


Unrequited Sabriel: There Are No Lies, Only Truths Not Yet Told

by gatergirl79



Series: Unrequited Sabriel [6]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Emotional Hurt, Loss, No Beta, Originally Posted: Fanfiction.net, Revelations, Season 8 Spoilers, Season 8 Tie-in, Self-revelations, father!Sam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-03
Updated: 2015-02-21
Packaged: 2018-03-10 06:33:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 46,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3280292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gatergirl79/pseuds/gatergirl79
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While moving his things into the Men of Letters bunker, Sam finds the forgotten Casa Erotica DVD. While Dean heads off to help Garth on a job, Sam decided to take a few moments to himself with a guilty pleasure. But the DVD holds more than a busty blonde businesswoman and her Hungarian waiter. It hold a secret that will change Sam’s life forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Play It Again, Sammy

**Author's Note:**

> So we're back to the Unrequited Sabriel universe. I know a lot of you have been eagerly awaiting the revelation fic, where Sam discovers he's a father. Well here it is. This story takes place after Samandriel's death in season eight.
> 
> Hopefully, if I've done these stories right, you'll re-watch all the Sam and Gabriel episodes and it'll be almost a part of the show, filling in those little unanswered questions and missing moments. 
> 
> Enjoy.

Sam tugged another shirt out of his bag and dropped it on the bed. He couldn't help must wonder how long it was going to last, having the solitude of his own room. It had been weird sleeping alone when Dean vanished with Cass, though thankfully he hadn't been alone for long. Sam shook his head as thoughts of Amelia crowded in. He'd made a promise to himself to let go, forget her. Let her get on with her life, her _normal_ life, she deserved that. He should never have gotten involved in the first place. It was obviously it wasn't going to last, that he'd never escape, but he'd made another promise. Though whether it had been to himself or to a dead archangel he still wasn't sure. Either way, he'd ignored his own better judgement and allowed himself to fall in love with her.

He rarely bothered unpacking anymore, even when they'd been practically living at Rufus' cabin. It just meant having to shove everything back into his duffle to hit the road. When Dean had vanished; he'd climbed behind the wheel of the Impala and just driven away. He hadn't looked back. He hadn't even gone back to the cabin. He'd just taken what little he had on him, which wasn't much. - Just the clothes on his back, his brother's car and their weapons. He'd dumped the phones at the first gas station he'd come to. - He hadn't thought about the possibility that Kevin would escape Crowley. He'd been selfish. He could admit that now. He'd seen Dean's disappearance as an opportunity to get out and stay out, like Gabriel had told him to. Like he'd promised he would in a moment of delirium. - He probably should have known it wasn't going to last. It was his life after all. His curse.

He growled at himself for pondering what had happened. He'd made his choice, Amelia had given him the chance to return to her and he'd decided to stay away. He'd chosen Dean and The Life over the woman he loved and he didn't even know why.

Everything said he should have gone back to that motel room. Maybe it had been fear, he didn't want to go back and find it empty. He didn't want to know that Amelia didn't really want him anymore, despite what she'd said.

However, a voice though, in the back of his head said she'd been there. Waiting for him.

Shaking his head once again, he determinedly continued unpacking till there was nothing left in his bag but an old DVD he probably should have thrown out years ago. He had no idea why he hadn't.

No, that was a lie and he'd said he'd stop lying to himself. He'd kept it because it was Gabriel. Because it was the last link, he had to the dead archangel. Because despite what the man had done, he'd meant _something_ to him. No matter how much he'd tried to deny it. However, with everything that had happened to him the last few years, with everything he'd gone though in hell and beyond, his sanity ripped to pieces by his friend, he couldn't lie to himself anymore.

He didn't love him. At least not in the way, he'd loved Jessica. Not the way he loved Amelia, but he remembered that overpowering burn of first love. The physical attraction he'd felt towards a funny, confident blond girl. Gabriel had been that, he was adult enough to admit that now.

He lifted the box out of his bag and stared down at the cover. The memory of the night Gabriel had finally stepped up to the plate rushing to the forefront of his mind. He could still see the blinding white light in the rear-view mirror as they sped away from the motel. Could still remember the sudden sickening feeling of loss he'd felt. It had been irrational, he knew that, but after everything that had happened between them over those few months, how could he not have felt something?

The worst part had come once he'd said yes to Lucifer. The fallen archangel had easily discovered what Sam was fighting to keep hidden and had used it. Both in the pit and later on earth. But if Luci had expected it to break him, he'd been sorely mistake. If anything, it had given him strength in the dark hell the devil had created for him. - Though he to this day didn't know why. - It had given him a refuge when the nightmares had started. For whatever reason Gabriel had been his lighthouse drawing him home from the turbulent seas and returning him safely to his brother's side. And it had been Gabriel who had forced him to make a choice. - Though in hindsight he'd probably made the wrong one.

Sam wasn't a fool. He knew it hadn't really been Gabriel. It had been his own deep desires in the form of the angel. He'd hallucinated enough over the years to know that much, but that didn't change the fact that Gabriel had been the one he'd turned to. A small wave of guilt rolled though him that it hadn't been Jessica that lead him to safety.

"Sammy?"

Sam spun to see his brother standing in the doorway; quickly he hid the DVD. - Because it would lead to questions he couldn't answer. At least not without confessing one of his biggest secrets. - He forced a tight smile. "Yeah?"

Dean's eyes watched him carefully, almost knowingly. "You okay?"

"Yeah. Just…you know, getting settled." he dropped the smile; replacing it with a curious frown. "You?"

Dean didn't look convinced but thankfully didn't push either. "Garth called."

"A case?" Sam straightened eager for a distraction.

"Not really. He wants my help with something."

Sam couldn't help the small smirk that spread across his face. "Really." he chuckled teasingly, causing his brother to glare at him. "Three's a crowd, huh?"

"Bite me." Dean grunted. "I'll be gone a couple of days, you gonna be okay here?"

Sam sighed. Things were still off between them, Sam felt it but in true Winchester style he ignored it. "Yeah. I'll just explore."

Dean rolled his eyes. "Of course you will, this place is geek heaven to you, right?" he huffed.

"Just go enjoy your bromance weekend away." Sam joked. He always loved to tease his big brother about his oddball friendship with the other hunter. Especially considering how excitable Garth could be when Dean was around.

Dean shot him a harsh look before turning on his heels and marching away from the room. The call of bitch echoing off the polished tiles and solid concrete.

Alone once more Sam turned back to his bed and released the breath he'd been holding, his gaze once more returning to the DVD in his hands. For a fleeting second he considered watching it but quickly brushed the idea away. Dropping the box on the bed he gave the room a scan before leaving to go find something more important and less….awkward to do.

 

**~~~There Are No Lies, Only Truths No Yet Told~~~**

 

Sam's plan to investigate his new home lasted all of two hours. There was just too much and he just couldn't quite get himself to focus. So he'd made himself something to eat, settled down in front of the TV and discovered it was pointless, they didn't have cable. Sighing wearily he got to his feet and headed back to his room, really wishing he'd tagged along with Dean, whether they needed him or not.

While he loved the peace that came with time apart, being alone was worse. It gave him time to think and regret. And maybe that was why he ended up sat on his bed with his laptop on his thighs and the sandwich forgotten beside him as he stared at the title screen of Casa Erotica. His fingers hovering over the keys as he weighed up if he really wanted to do this.

It had been over a year since he'd last thought about Gabriel, or maybe he should say actively thought about him. There had been times back when Dean had first vanished, before he'd met Amelia, when he'd find the archangel fluttering across his mind. When he'd remember those few short months. When he'd dream about New York or Bobby's garage.

Then he'd met Amelia and those memories had faded; only rearing there heads for brief moments. Now he was actually considering watching the DVD, which wouldn't be weird. People watched their loved once on film all the time. Yeah, except what made it weird was that it was Gabriel having sex with a blonde busty bimbo. He hadn't actually watched the whole thing; it had been too creepy and painful back then. They'd gotten what they'd needed, a way to stop Lucifer, then he'd closed his computer and hadn't so much as looked at the DVD since. He'd just put it back into its case and stuffing it at the bottom of his bag.

But now he was alone and bored. He didn't think about what it meant that he was turning to Gabriel. He never thought about the whys, it was easier that way.

As he moved the icon towards play he paused, frowning. He wasn't a cognisor of porn like Dean, but he didn't think they came with bonus features. With his brows pinched tight, Sam moved the curser away from play to the bonus icon and clicked, holding his breath. The screen faded to reveal another hot pink and red title page. His breath caught as he read it. **Play It Again, Sammy.**

Sam forced a breath into his lungs, his hands shaking as he hit play and waited. The scene went black.

When it roared to life, revealing Gabriel once more perched on the end of the tacky hotel bed in his waiter uniform. This time however he was alone. No blonde porn queen in the background, half-naked and looking at Gabriel wantonly.

" _If you're watching this, I'm dead."_ Gabriel said.

Sam sucked in a breath at the familiar words. He'd been hard pressed three years ago not to react to those words in front of his brother.

He held his breath and waited, wondering what Gabriel had to say that he'd left a second message. Was this his goodbye? Sam's heart skipped at that thought, tears already clawing at his throat.

" _And I'm really hoping that's you Sam and you're alone because if not this is going to get extremely awkward. - For you two."_ he smirked gleefully. Like he wanted Dean to be there too. _"I'm dead. You can't kick my ass now Dean-o."_

Sam couldn't help the small smile that spread across his features, he was certainly thankful Dean hadn't found this. That he'd hidden the DVD away.

" _So assuming that you're there Sammy. Hey."_ He sighed softly, his amber eyes glistening slightly in the lights. Sam felt his heart stutter and he swallowed hard. _"So you're probably wondering what this is? Well I suppose you could call it my deathbed confession. - And boy do I have a confession._ " Gabriel chuckled humourlessly. " _Something I probably should have told you long before now_."

Sam inhaled slowly through hid nose.

" _Katherine wanted me to. Said you had a right to know. - Don't worry Sammy, I didn't give you some incurable angel STD."_ he laughed, but it was flat and pained and it made Sam's chest ache. _"This is much more life altering."_

Gabriel fell silent and Sam held his breath, his head buzzing with a thousand possibilities. Dreading the next words.

" _Congratulations, Sam. It's a boy."_ Gabriel announced with faux excitement. As there was a sudden explosion of blue and white streamers on screen.

Sam froze. His heart pounding painfully in his chest, his eyes wide as he stared at the laptop and Gabriel, the angel watching him intently. Silent. "How did that…?" Sam whispered but trailed off with another wave of confusion.

" _Come on kiddo. I know you now the hows."_ Gabriel smirked.

Sam jumped at the reply, narrowing his eyes at the computer suspiciously. - And maybe a little hopefully. - He noticed the smile. So sad. So broken.

" _It's a consequence of taking a female vessel. It's been known to happen. - And before you start, it wasn't part of my plan. Believe me. I was as surprised as you are. And you were there to you know. Did Dean-o never tell you to cover up? - I just wanted to get into your pants, breaking this rule was not on my bucket list."_ he trailed off. His eyes flickering to somewhere in the distances, something distressing flickering across his face. Something a lot like…fear. _"Of course neither was…"_ he murmured; his eyes flickering back to meet Sam's. The sentiment unfinished.

Sam felt his heart tightened. Gabriel had never actually confirmed Sam's suspicious about the so-called Bucket List, and at the time he hadn't really wanted to know what the angel had meant.

" _Having your baby was not something I wanted. Especially considering the circumstances, with the world about to end and me only months from death's door. - I always knew you'd be the death of me Winchester."_ Gabriel said meaningfully; meeting Sam's gaze through the screen.

Sam's head was spinning. This couldn't be real. This had to be a joke. A tick.

" _And no this isn't my last great prank on you and your bone head brother. I'm a hundred percent serious. And Alfie's a hundred percent real. - I left him with Katherine in Florida. - That's his name by the way. Alfie. Kath chose it. It's her father's name, and considering what I…_ _we_ _did with her body I thought it only right."_ he smirked again and something hot shot through Sam at the reminder of that night. _"And she's been helping me raise him, and will continue to until you decide if you want to…you know, be a dad or whatever."_ he shrugged nonchalantly. Like he didn't care one way or another. Like he actually expected Sam to walk away from his own son. _"I told him about you and Dean. He knows what you do and why you weren't around. And he knows that you might never be around."_ Gabriel rambled with a regretful smile and tone.

Sam felt the burning in his eyes again and his throat closed up. They had a son. It didn't seem real. - And Gabriel clearly adored the little boy. It was there in his face. In his voice.

" _I used to tell him stories. I'd sit on his bed and say Samandriel, your daddy and uncle Dean fight monsters. Big terrifying monsters. There going to save the world."_ Gabriel continued; staring down at his hands and talking more to himself than to the hunter _. "He gave me a picture for you. Obviously I couldn't give it to you in front of Dean, so I left it in the glove box of that tin can you boys live in. Under a ton of papers and having seen what's in there I'm confident Dean won't find it before you do. - Does he_ _ever_ _clear that thing out?"_

Gabriel kept rambling but Sam had tuned out long ago. The world had stopped. There was a thick fog blocking whatever Gabriel was saying. Sam stared at the screen, his head spinning out of control. Had he heard right? He shook his head dismissingly even as his trembling fingers moved to rewind and check.

"… _I'd sit on his bed and say, Samandriel, your…."_

And that was it. Sam just stopped breathing. Stopped existing. His mind felt like a tsunami had crashed through it. The image of Cass bowed over the broken and bloody body of Samandriel. The cold way he'd announced that the young angel had attacked him and he'd had to defend himself.

Sam's gut clenched and rolled. Bile clawing at his throat. Maybe it wasn't the same Samandriel. Maybe Gabriel had named their son after the other angel. - Except that Dean and Cass had called the heaven sent angel Alfie. That couldn't be a coincidence. It couldn't be.

He sucked in a sharp breath and threw the laptop from his thighs, scrambling off the bed and running to the nearest bathroom. He dropped to his knees instantly and emptied his stomach. Cass, his friend, had killed his son and Sam hadn't even known. Wouldn't have known ever if he hadn't have watched that message.

Why hadn't he watched it sooner? Why hadn't Gabriel just told him that last night? - Or that first? Sam frowned. Had that been why Gabriel had come to him after Carthage? He's said he was there to offer his sympathise. To make sure he hadn't said yes to the devil, but….that didn't seem like Gabriel. He'd thought at the time the angel was there for another reason and had assumed it was to try and trick him. Try to get him in bed again. But maybe he'd been there to tell Sam about Samandriel.

Sam choked on an inhale. Gabriel had come to tell him he had a son and all Sam had done was pick a fight and kiss him furiously. Sam's eyes blazed and his chest tightened at the memory. He retched a little more then fell back on his ass; breathing heavily as his mind swirled and his stomach cramped. His nose wrinkled at the rancid smell of his vomit. He scrambled away to press his back against the wall. Anger flooding him. At himself. At Cass. - At Gabriel; even if he had tried to tell him that night, the fact remained their son was dead and it was at least partially Gabriel's fault.

He dragged a palm down his face; scrubbing at his tear swollen eyes. Closing them he let his head lull back against the cool tiles. Not that he need the cool surface, his whole body was cold. Numb with shock and regret. Behind his eyelids the vision of Samandriel; crumpled and lifeless at his feet. He had a sudden desire to call Cass and get his revenge, but something held him back. A small voice that sounded a lot like Gabriel, telling him not to rush in and do something that he would regret. That there was more to everything and Cass was just a small piece of a larger puzzle that needed to be solved before revenge was sort.

The voice only made him that much angrier with the dead archangel. But maybe it was time to start listening to him.

Sitting there on the cold floor his throat burning; his eyes like fire and the stench of vomit choking him, Sam let his mind wonder. There were so many questions. The top of that list being why his son had been working for Heaven? Gabriel had said he'd left Samandriel with Katherine. Had she handed him over? A fresh wave of anger crashed into him and he scrambled to his feet, stumbling out of the bathroom and back to his room.

He needed answers and there was only one person alive that could give them to him. - Assuming she _was_ alive. He paused in the door of his room and stared at the laptop he'd carelessly thrown aside in his haste. The screen was filled with the opening scene of the movie and he realized he must have been gone longer than the thought. At the sound of a knock he dove for the laptop, hitting the button and pausing the movie before Gabriel made his big entrance. That was the last thing he needed right now.

Taking a breath he sat on the edge of the bed and fiddled with the computer; taking him back to the hidden message. He needed to finish watching it. He needed to know where Katherine was. So he braced himself for a repeat of the news that should leave him overjoyed and proud but had instead left him feeling lost and drowning.

 

**~~~There Are No Lies, Only Truths No Yet Told~~~**

 

Sam had done everything he could think of to track down Katherine. After attentively re-watching Gabriel's message he'd headed out into the large library, because his room was suddenly too small, and set himself up at one of the desks with his laptop, a pad and pen, and a bottle of beer to wash away the vile taste lingering in his mouth.

What his search had turned up was that two days before that fateful night in Indiana, Katherine Graves had moved to Browder County. - Gabriel had told him that much, grinning wickedly because the guy was a jackass and probably thought it was funny to move them to the small town he'd spent the worst 100 days of his life in. - Sam hadn't found any mention of Samandriel and wondered if she'd abandoned him.

His fingers curled angrily into fists as he took a few moments to calm himself.

Katherine hadn't stayed in Browder County long. A little over five months later Sam found her living in Baltimore and this time there was proof of Samandriel's existence. Or Alfie Sam Graves existence. - Sam felt an irrational spark of jealous at the sight of Katherine's name on his son's registration records rather than his own. - He was attending Baybrook High School, aged 17. Sam frowned as he wondered how that was even possible. Was it even his son? Then he remember the angel he'd met, the one laying prone at his feet, looking all of 20years old. Obviously there was something in his genetics making him age quicker than regular kids.

From what Sam could see he'd done well in high school. His grades were through the roof, not that he was really surprised. He felt proud. - And maybe a little smug.

Katherine had continued to teach at the local middle school until Samandriel, no Alfie's graduation in May 2010. After that the pair moved on. Sam groaned at the college records. Another moment of déjà vu as he found his son enrolled at State College, Pennsylvania.

Sam hacked his way into Alfie's school files, feeling another burst of pride at the continued high GPA and the pre-law classes. He wondered how much his son knew about him. - Whether he'd chosen law as a way to connect or was it just a coincidence? It didn't matter, because there was the same outcome. Classes unattended, a future unfulfilled because Alfie had gone missing six months into freshman year.

Sam inhaled slowly as he stared at the newspaper article and a missing person's report, a poster pleading for information. The date, two years ago. Sam thought back and sighed as he realized his son had gone missing the day before Cass ripped his walls down. While he'd been lying comatose, fighting his inner demons, his son had presumably been kidnapped by angels.

He took a deep swig of his beer and leant back in his chair staring at the poster. Alfie's face staring back at him, a warm smile and a glint of mischief that reminded him so much of Gabriel. - So different to the angel he'd briefly met. Tears burned and he forced down the pain of loss, unsure he was entitled to feel anything at all. After all he hadn't really known his son. Even during that short time together at the auction he hadn't spoken to him. He'd just been another angel. Sam wiped at his face and closed his eyes for a moment; taking a deep calming breath. After a minute or two, he opened them again and hit print on the missing person poster. Wanting at least one image of the son he'd lost before he'd even known him. Then he shifted forward to continue his search for Katherine.

Only she'd dropped off the face of the planet, there was nothing. Two months ago her house was found abandoned; she hadn't turned up for work. There was another missing person report filed by a colleague. He couldn't find any sign of her in other states. No new job. No new home. No obituary. She was just gone. Sam frowned; ribbing at his temples. It was both weird and worrying. Had whoever took Alfie taken her too?

He pushed back his chair; grabbing his bottle, - His fifth maybe. - And headed for the printer. Snatching up the picture, he stared down at it. The bottle pressed to his lips, the lump in his throat refusing to be washed away.

He'd given up on wanting kids after Jessica had died. Even when he'd found normality with Amelia he hadn't thought about it. Hadn't wanted it and this was why. He'd already lost too much family. Too many people he loved, but this was the worse. The pain cutting that much deeper.

What made it worse was that he hadn't known. Hadn't gotten the chance to really connect with his son. To build memories. He sucked in a pained breath, a flash of anger shooting through him aimed directly at Cass. He couldn't silence the dark voice in the back of his mind that said Cass had known. That he'd targeted Samandriel in some kind of revenge plot. It was irrational, but then loss usually was. Only Cass wasn't exactly acting like himself of late, so it may be irrational but it was also justified.

Sam took another swig of his beer and exhaled slowly. "I'm sorry. I didn't know." he choked down at the smiling face; his voice broken along with something deep inside him. "If I had…" his breath catching. He swept at the tear rolling down his cheek with the back of his hand, his eyes never leaving Alfie's image.

He turned away from the printer, intent on heading to bed. It was late. He'd been searching for hours and had drunk more in the last hour than he had in the last month; clearly taking a page out of Dean's book. He felt tired. Empty. He just wanted oblivion, even if it was only a temporary fix. A fleeting thought crossed his mind as he closed down his computer. Had Dean felt like this when he'd killed Emma? Had his brother felt empty and broken? Dean had at least met his daughter, spoken to her. He had to watch as the person he trusted; his own brother killed his daughter. Sam choked on more tears and the acid taste of guilt; rubbing angrily at his face. He hadn't given Dean any understand, she'd been a monster, ready to kill her own father, he hadn't had a choice but then….maybe he had. Maybe they could have saved her. He hadn't even hesitated. - So maybe he was no better than Cass.

Another heavy weight settled on Sam's shoulders and he stumbled under it, bracing himself on the desk, he took a few moments to collect himself.

With his legs solid under him once more, Sam began to make his way to his room. He'd barely made it half way when his phone began to ring. He groaned; praying it wasn't Dean needing his help. Yanking it out of his pocket he blinked down at the name; a deep frown carved between his brows. "Hello?" he asked cautiously.

" _Sam?"_

"Missouri? Are you okay?" he hadn't heard from the woman in years and a spark of guilt shot through him at that realization. They owed the woman more than that.

" _I'm fine. I…I just had a sense I had to call you."_ She said; her tone soft and confused.

"Okay."

" _I…I think you need to come see me."_

Sam dropped down on his bed; settling the beer bottle on the night stand, not letting go of the poster in the same hand. "You sure you're okay?"

" _I'm fine. This isn't about me. Just get your butt back to Lawrence."_ Missouri ordered firmly, broking no argument.

Sam smiled despite himself. "Okay. Dean will be back in a…"

" _Did I mention Dean? I need_ _you_ _to come."_

Sam's insides tightened. "I….okay. I'll see you tomorrow. - I need a couple of hours. I've been…"

" _Tomorrow's fine. Now go sleep it off, honey."_

The line went dead before Sam could so much as say goodnight so he set it down next to his empty beer bottle and looked down at the paper in his hand. With a silent goodnight; he yanked open the draw to the nightstand and slipped the page inside.


	2. Going Home Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam heads to Lawrence to meet with an old friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I called Samandriel 'Alfie' throughout this story because Sam calls him Alfie when Cass brings him back from Kermit to help save the angel. So obviously, like Dean, he doesn't call him by his angelic name but the name of his vessel. (Which personally I find extreme weird, but…hey.) 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who read and reviewed the first chapter, I hope you enjoy this as much.

The drive to Lawrence was a hard long one. Too many hours done in silence meant Sam's mind was able to work, which was never a good thing. He'd had a restless night, tormented by the reoccurring dream of Gabriel and the horrific replay of Alfie's death. For a few moments when he'd opened his eyes that morning he'd thought it had all been a dream, that he'd imagined the message. Then he'd opened his nightstand drawer and seen the smiling face of Alfie and the pain had split his heart in two once more, the tears burning his eyes.

Now half an hour out of Lebanon his mind was tormenting him once more. Conjuring the memory of the first time he'd laid eyes on the son he hadn't known was his. The young man standing to make a bid on the demon tablet, his back straight and his head high as he offered up human soul as if they were nothing. Then to heaven, they probably weren't.

Over the years Sam had come to understand that his awe and respect for God, heaven and angels had been severely misplaces. Angel's didn't care about anything or anyone but themselves. _Gabriel cared_. A voice whispered at the back of his mind. _And Cass_. But two out of thousands, out of billions wasn't enough and they'd both screwed up along the way. They'd both left a trail of dead humans in their wake. _They weren't innocent humans._ "Maybe." Sam mumbled. His eyes fixed on the road ahead of him, a flash of memory flickering behind his eyelids as he blinked. The crumbled body of Alfie at Cass' feet. His friend's eyes cold yet filled with pain, as if he hadn't wanted to kill the young man, and maybe he hadn't. Maybe it _had_ been self-defence like Cass claimed.

Sam's fingers tightened around the steering wheel and he had to blink rapidly to rid the tears from his vision. Not for the first time he wished Gabriel was out there. That he'd been around to protect their son, or at least had fucking told him, so he could.

His mind hummed with thoughts of Gabriel; his sense memory kicking in. Sam groaned; inhaling deeply though his nose as the car filled with the scent of honey sweet air, his tongue dancing with the taste. It had been almost two years since he'd last allowed his mind to open so fully. Not since, he'd last craved his presence. He'd figured he was over it, over that confusing time and for the most part, he was. He'd laid that ghost to rest when he'd woken from his delusional state. But now, with this new revelation he couldn't help but wonder, what if?

He knew it was a dangerous road to travel. He'd asked himself that question too many times over the years and it only lead to more pain and anger. But this, what he was feeling now was the worst pain he'd ever felt, worse than losing his dad, Dean and Jessica combined. It was ripping at his core and tearing him to sheds, because despite not really knowing him, despite not even knowing who he was, he had lost his son and he felt the pain of a father out living his child.

Sam swiped at the tears rolling down his face and reached for the radio, needing a distraction. Anything. As the early morning drive-time jockey filled the car with his rough voice and music, Sam forced his mind away from Alfie and the pain, focusing instead on Missouri. Wondering what she could possibly want from him alone. It had to be serious to have called after so many years. He just hoped he was enough.

 

**~~~There Are No Lies, Only Truths No Yet Told~~~**

 

Sam pulled the rented blue Honda up in front of the familiar old house, killing the engine he stared at the place. It hadn't changed much since their last visit.

Shoving open the door he stepped out into the bright morning sunshine; glancing around the street. A few people were milling about, sorting out their lawns or talking with neighbours. Patting at his jacket, Sam reassured himself that his gun was well hidden before turning to head up the path.

He wasn't at all surprised that the door opened before he reached the porch. The large black woman scowling at him like he'd been caught sneaking home at dawn after a night out with friends. He half expected her to ground him.

"I know. I'm sorry." he said with a warm smile, hoping to fend off her attack. "We should have kept in touch."

Missouri just stared at him until he was in front of her, stepping back and slapped his head. "Damn straight." she scolded; turning and marching into the house.

With a smile that felt odd on his face, Sam followed her, pushing the door closed behind him.

She was sat in her old green armchair; if it weren't for the grey in her hair, he might have believed it was still 2005.

"You just gonna stand there? Sit down."

Sam chuckled lightly, taking a seat. "How's business been?"

"Same old crap. People always want to be reassured. They just love to be lied to."

Sam sighed sadly; Gabriel's lies flickering though his mind. He hadn't loved those lies; he'd hated them and the angel for telling them.

"Oh honey." Missouri whispered; leaning forward in her seat, her small dark eyes burrowing into his. "Well can't say I'm not surprised, I never expected ya to be… but then ya've always had so much love to give."

Sam didn't meet her knowing gaze.

"Ya just can't seem to hold on to it though. - Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry." her voice grew even softer.

Sam knew she'd read his thoughts, he just hadn't been able to keep them from drifting to Alfie. "I… why'd you call?" he asked in a tight voice.

She looked at him intensely for a few more seconds before leaning back. "Honestly honey I don't know. I just woke up and knew I had to call ya."

Sam frowned. "Is it the house? Has something happened?"

Missouri shook her head. "The place is quiet. Had three new owners' since you boys last saw it."

"Oh. - So….?"

"I was hoping once you got here I'd know why I called you. - But…" she shook her head. "Maybe…" she reached out for his hand.

Sam didn't hesitate to give it over, when he did; he watched as the old woman closed her eyes and searched for whatever it was she was searching for.

"Ya're looking for somethin. - No, some _one_. Oh, the mother of ya child." she fell silent, her brown eyes beginning to glisten. She swallowed thickly at the tears.

Sam dropped his gaze to his hand; his own eyes stinging once more.

"Ya're close." Missouri suddenly continued; her voice trembling slightly. " _She's_ close."

Sam's heart leapt into his throat and his eyes lifted to meet Missouri's darker one. "What? - Where?"

Missouri glared at him. "Do I look like GPS?" she scolded. "But she's close."

"How close?"

Missouri sat silently; her eyes moving behind her lids as she dragged her fingers over his palm. "I…." she whispered.

Sam sat silently; his heart pounding. If Katherine was close, he could find her. He had to find her. He had to tell her about Alfie. He had to get answers.

"Campbell." Missouri said suddenly.

"What?" Sam frowned; his brows raised, almost vanishing beneath his hair.

Missouri fell back breathless and apologetic. "That's all I've got." she said regretfully. "I can't tell ya anythin else, Sam."

He worried his lip, thinking. It couldn't be a coincidence, though nothing in his life was ever just a coincidence. She was in Lawrence, she had to be. Maybe going by Campbell. "I…" he got to his feet in a rush; looking down at the woman guiltily.

"It's okay, ya go. - Just be sure to come say bye before you disappear again." Missouri smiled softly; getting to her feet with a gently moan to show Sam to the door.

On the porch he turned; smiling. "Thanks."

"Don't know if ya should be thankin' me yet."

Sam stepped closer; wrapping his long arms around the old woman. "I'm closer than I was last night thanks to you."

She patted his back until finally Sam pulled away.

"I'll be back to say goodbye." he promised before turning.

He walked briskly back to the car, desperate to find a motel and start his search. He yanked open the door and gave a final wave before climbing in. That heavy weight lifting just a little from his shoulders.

 

**~~~There Are No Lies, Only Truths No Yet Told~~~**

 

He sat at the table in his motel room, the morning sun dropping into late afternoon. He'd hunted down every Campbell in the area, not that there were many left after Azazel wiped out most of his family. - The few he did find were either too old to be Katherine or male. He almost gave up. Then he simply decided to check everyone in town, starting with teachers, assuming she'd kept teaching when she moved.

That's when he found her. Kathy Roberts. She'd moved to town two months ago and started work at the local elementary school a couple of weeks later. Around the same time, Katherine had vanished from Pennsylvanian and she was the right age. Sam felt hopeful again; especially when he checked, out her address and turned up a list of previous owners. Right there, in black and white, Samuel Campbell. She was living in his grandparent's old house. There was no way that was a coincidence.

A further searched turned up that she wasn't living alone. Next to her name sat Sam Roberts. Sam's heart leapt into his throat and for a moment, he almost forgot that he'd seen Alfie dead with his own eyes. He almost believed he had a second chance. _It's probably her boyfriend dumb-ass._

Sam dropped his head into his hands and breathed. Of course, she had a boyfriend. He couldn't help but wonder if this Sam guy knew about Alfie? Had he met him? Raised him? Jealousy rose up in Sam at the thought. Well, at least she wouldn't be alone when he broke the news.

Jotting down the address, Sam pushed back the chair, closed his computer and grabbed his jacket. The sooner he got to the house, the sooner he got answers.

 

**~~~There Are No Lies, Only Truths No Yet Told~~~**

 

Sam sat parked outside the two story white front house for almost an hour, going over and over what he was going to say. How was he meant to tell the woman who'd raised his son, who undoubted loved Alfie, that he'd been killed. It was always hard delivering that news to strangers, it was harder still delivering it to friends.

And it wasn't going to be made any easier by the fact that looking at Katherine, seeing her beautiful face would instantly bring that night to mind. It was inevitable. He'd be looking at the woman he'd made love to, who he'd fallen in love with at the tender age of fourteen, only it had never really been her. It had always been Gabriel.

He stared at his hands, a sudden desire to run flooding him. Maybe he could get Missouri to deliver the news, she would be more comforting, more understand. - _I ain't your god damn messenger. Suck it up and be a man._ Her voice scolded in the back of his mind. _Damn psychics_. He smiled to himself.

Taking a breath, Sam squared his shoulders and reached for the door, shoving it open and stepping out into the late afternoon sun. He paused by the front of the car, bracing himself for the next few minutes before taking his first tentative steps forward. His heart pounding beneath his ribs. He could feel his hands trembling at his side as he got closer and closer to the door. He stood staring at the pristine white wood for a long moment before raising his finger and pressing the doorbell.

Sam held his breath as he listened for approaching footsteps, chewing nervously at the inside of his lip as he waited.

And waited.

And waited.

When there was no answer, his shoulders slumped. He'd so wanted to get this over with. Dragging it out only made it hurt more. - And he had to get back to the bunker before Dean did, 'cause his brother would give him the third degree if he found the place empty and Sam didn't have the answers for twenty questions. At least not ones he wanted to give. - He glanced down at his watch and deciding he'd wait another hour.

Before he could turn to head back to the car, he heard a voice call his name. He turned slowly; staggering back a little as he took in the familiar face. His eyes wide with shock and confusion. "A-Alfie?" he whispered quietly; unsure he was seeing straight. Fearing his walls had cracked once again.

The young man rested his bike against the side of the house and moved up the steps cautiously, stopping in front of Sam, his eyes searching; almost fearful. Then a smile slowly spread across his face. "Hey."

Sam swallowed hard; taking a deep breath. "You're… Alive?"

Alfie nodded.

The pair stood staring at one another for a long moment. Each searching the other's face.

"I…." Sam stared only to trail off; dragging his hand though his hair. "How?"

"Maybe you should come in." Alfie turned; unlocking the door. "Katherine'll be home soon." he added stepping inside, leaving Sam to close the door behind him. "You probably need something to drink, huh?"

"Yeah." Sam nodded; following after his son, his eyes scanning the house curiously. His grandparents had lived and died here. Killed by Azazel. Though only he, Dean and Cass knew that.

"Take a seat; I'll get us some beers."

"Aren't you too young?" he asked quickly.

Alfie paused in the living room doorway; looking back at him. "Technically." he smiled.

Sam felt his heart skip. He had his father's smile. Gabriel's smile. Teasing. Challenging.

"But as far as anyone's concerned I'm twenty-one. - Are you saying I can't have beer?" he teased lightly.

Sam stared at him, he seemed so different from the angel he'd met months ago, the quiet, confident and obedient angel who'd stood up in front of an entire room and bid human souls. He seemed more….human now.

Sam frowned at him; shaking his head and Alfie nodded with a wide smirk before disappearing into the kitchen. Alone, Sam wondered the room, strolling over to the fire place; his gaze scanned the row of photo frames, a picture of Katherine with her family the first to catch his eyes. Next to, it sat an old black and white image of a couple, Katherine's grandparents would be Sam's best guess. The one in the center had his heart pounding and reaching for it. The dark wooden frame encased a picture of Katherine and Gabriel, with a tiny baby between them, Katherine's face aglow. But it was the smile that really caught Sam's attention. So familiar. So haunting. That wasn't Katherine sat in a bed holding Alfie, it was Gabriel. The man beside him, the familiar face, obviously his vessel.

With a shaky hand, he set it back in place and forced his eyes away to the next image. Gabriel again, back in his vessel - judging by the smile and the glint in his eyes. - knelt with his arm around a small boy of around seven, Alfie obviously, a wide grin on his face and eyes glistening with laughter.

"That's one of the last photos I have with Dad."

Sam jumped and just managed to keep a hold on the frame as he turned to face his son.

Alfie smiled apologetically; holding out the beer. "It was taken the day we moved to Florida, before he…" he trailed off; his voice tightening.

Sam took the beer nervously. "He didn't tell me." he announced quickly; a hint of anger tainting his tone. He turned back to the mantel, placing the photo back before lowering himself on the couch across from Alfie.

"I figured." Alfie nodded understandingly; lifting his beer to his lips.

Sam watched the movement with fascination. A sense of surreal-ness. Only in his life could he be drinking beer with his six year old son, who _looked_ twenty-one. When Alfie met his gaze over the bottle, he averted his eyes, taking a deep gulp of his own beer.

They sat in an awkward silence, the sound of their breathing the only sound in the room, until Sam couldn't take it any more. "How are you even alive? - I… I saw your…body."

Alfie heaved a heavy sigh and set his bottle on the coffee table. "Honestly I have no idea." he shrugged; looking off into the distance. "Its kinda all a little blurred now. I… - I was heading home from by job at the Weiner Hut, looking forward to my date. I heard someone behind me and then…. - The next thing I knew I was in the middle of the woods watching myself be stabbed through the heart." he choked.

Sam swallowed; shaking his head at the memory of seeing Alfie strapped to a chair, bloody and bruised with things sticking in his head. He tightened his fingers around the bottle and inhaled slowly, his jaw clench painfully. He was going to kill Crowley the next time he laid eyes on him. The bastard was a dead demon walking. "I'm sorry." he breathed.

Alfie met his gaze. "It's not your fault. Like you said, you didn't know." he whispered sadly, his gaze never quite meeting Sam's. "Anyway, I was standing there, confused and in pain, just watching the whole thing play out."

"Don't worry." Sam insisted quickly; seeing his son's distress. "It's not important. You're alive, that's what matters."

Alfie took a couple of sharp breaths, reaching for his beer once more with trembling hands; throwing back the lot in a single gulp. Lowering it, he sat staring at the brown glass; his thumb plucking at the label, swallowing hard before speaking again. "Then… You and Dean came running and he, Cass right? He disappeared with me. - Only…it _wasn't_ me." he shrugged.

Sam stared at him; his mind reeling, blood rushing though his ears as he replayed that moment in his own head. "You're his son." Sam said finally; his eyes drifting to the mantle and the photo of Gabriel. "He could do that, fake it. He did it… _tried_ to do it the night he… - I guess instinct took over." he turned back to Alfie with a warm thankful smile. "Thank god."

Alfie looked from Sam to the mantle. "I…guess."

"You have no idea how you ended up in heaven in the first place?" Sam asked; setting his beer aside and leaning forward; his elbows on his knees.

Alfie shook his head. "But I'd lay moment of Crowley." he replied matter-of-factly, his hand trembling, his fingers tightening so hard around the bottle that it shattered in his palm.

Sam was on his feet in a second. "Shit." he dropped into a crouch in front of his son; grabbing Alfie's hand.

"Its fine, angel remember." He laughed lightly, wiggling his fingers. "Or at least half angel."

Sam watched as the small cut quickly healed over. "Right." he murmured; getting to his feet and moving back to his seat.

"Another gift from dad." Alfie smiled sadly; scooping up the shards of glass.

Sam watched his son from the couch as he left the room with the remains of the bottle, his eyes snapping back to the mantle the moment he was alone, locking on Gabriel. So he had protected their son after all. Better than Sam ever could have.

"You want another beer?" Alfie called from the kitchen.

Sam twisted. "No, I'm good."

A moment later Alfie was back; glass of water in his hand. "Want one?" he asked; clearly an afterthought.

Sam shook his head and Alfie retook his seat on the armchair. Silence fell between them again, Sam nervous to ask more question for fear of upsetting Alfie again.

"He found me almost two months before I was taken." Alfie continued like nothing had interrupted them. "He walked into the Wiener Hut and…" Alfie shuddered. "He totally creeped me out, introduced himself and asked me a ton of questions. At first, I thought he was just a weirdo, you know but…then I saw it." he swallowed. "He kept coming back, just sitting at one of the tables watching me. - I should know there was something going on, that he was planning something, but…" he shrugged. "I didn't want to draw attention to myself. I was happy. Katherine was happy. We were settled finally. - I was normal. - I should have known it wouldn't last. - I guess I hoped he'd just…get bored and leave." he scoffed derisively at himself.

Sam's stomach tightened at the familiarity of the situation. "I'm sorry."

Alfie met Sam's gaze; shaking his head. "I should have called Balthazar the second he showed up."

"Balthazar?" Sam gasped; his brows drawn tightly together. "The angel?"

"Yeah, Dad left us instructions that if something happened, if we needed help and couldn't get hold of you, we should call Balthazar. - They had an arrangement."

 _Balthazar?_ Sam stared wide eyed. Balthazar had known about his son.

"He didn't know about you." Alfie said; reading his mind. "We only met him once, when he had to move us from Browder County. Nosy neighbours started asking too many questions. The kind that might draw attention from the wrong people. We needed to move quick, so Katherine called Balthazar. He set us up with a place, made us disappear, at least for a while. Then we moved to Baltimore so I could attend high school. - When I was able to pass as a normal teenager. - Anyway, he never knew about you, he just figured I was Katherine and Dad's, _Gabriel's_."

Sam nodded. He had noticed that one month gap but hadn't thought much of it. "You don't call Katherine, Mum?"

Alfie shrugged. "I used to, when I was younger… smaller." he smiled impishly. "When I had to pass as her son, but when that became unrealistic I started calling her Katherine. Mostly everyone thinks she's my older sister."

Sam nodded.

"Anyway, then Balthazar disappears, I'm assuming he's dead, right?"

Sam nodded regretfully.

"Well…" Alfie sighed, his lips drawn into a thin mournful line. "…it was probably around the same time they came for me, 'cause Katherine tried to call him."

"They? Who are they?" Sam demanded angrily, needing to know who else was going to have to pay for kidnapping his son.

"Crowley, I'd guess. I didn't see him but it had to be him, right?"

Sam ground his teeth hard. "He must have used you to get Raphael on side." he stated furiously.

Alfie shrugged. "I don't remember anything more after that night. - Why….why did Cass kill me?" he asked weakly. "Try to kill me?"

Sam slumped further over. "He… - He said it was self-defence, that you attacked him."

Alfie stared down at his hands. "Oh."

"He said Crowley had…done something."

"Crowley had me?" Alfie asked confused.

"He kidnapped you after…." he shook his head. "Yeah. - I don't know what he was doing to you, but it…apparently made you attack Cass." though neither he nor Dean really believed that. "I think the more important questions is why you were working for heaven in the first place. - You clearly didn't know who Dean and I were or you would have…said something, right?"

Alfie nodded. "Yeah." he dropped his head into his hands. "I wish I could remember what happened. It's all just….blank."

Sam shifted awkwardly in his seat, unsure what he was meant to do. Every instinct screamed that he should comfort his son but…was he allowed? He felt so lost. "It's alright. It's probably better than you don't remember, trust me." he frowned; glancing around the house with concern, suddenly nervous for his son's safety, by now they'd know it hadn't been Samandriel Cass had taken back to heaven. Would they be looking for him?

"The place is warded against angels and demons, it's the first thing we do every place we go. They can't find me here."

" _I_ found you."

"True." Alfie murmured.

"And they probably know that wasn't really you that Castiel returned with."

Alfie paled slightly; his breath hitching. "Yeah, probably."

Sam's heart began to race. Maybe that was why they hadn't seen or heard from Cass. Maybe he was hunting for Alfie. He stared thoughtfully at his hands, he could move Alfie and Katherine to the bunker, protect them there. Only then, Dean would ask questions, questions Sam really didn't want to answer right now. And then there was Cass, he'd turn up eventually, Sam knew that much.

"I guess its lucky Dad left the sigils on mine and Katherine's ribs…." Alfie continued absently. "It'll take them longer to track me down." he reassured. Though whether it was aim at himself or Sam, neither of them knew.

The sound of the front door opening brought the conversation to a sudden halt, the pair turning to stare as Katherine stumbled over the threshold with her arms laden with paper bags.

Alfie was on his feet in an instant, rushing to help. Sam stood a little slower; turning his full body to face the Katherine, his heart hammering painfully against his ribs, blood rushing in his ears. It took a few minutes before she really became aware of him and when she did her eyes widened.

"Sam?" she whispered; looking between him and Alfie.

Alfie said nothing; turning with the bags and slipping into the kitchen, leaving them alone.

"How'd you find us?" Katherine asked after a moment.

Sam straightened his back; shifting awkwardly on his large feet. "It wasn't easy." he replied finally. "Thankfully I had some help. I have a friend in town, a psychic, she called…"

Panic blossomed on Katherine's face.

"She doesn't know about you…" Sam rushed to reassure. "I mean, well…she just had this feeling I had to come here. - It's complicated but you don't have to worry, you're safe."

Katherine shot him a disbelieving glare. "Why now? Its been five years! Why you suddenly looking for us… _him_?"

"I didn't even know I had a kid. You know Gabriel never told me!"

Katherine frowned. "He said he was going to leave you a message."

"He did." Sam nodded; his tone tired. He lowered himself back onto the couch. "But I didn't find it till yesterday."

Katherine moved closer; her eyes never leaving Sam. "What?"

"He put it on a DVD, only I never watched it. - Or at least not the part with the message. Why would I?" he huffed. "Why would I even expect him to leave me a message?"

"Because he loved you and he was going to die. Of course, he'd leave you a message. Of course he'd say goodbye." Katherine interrupted angrily. "But then you never cared how _he_ felt, did you?" she scolded coldly.

Sam stared at her, his green eyes wide with surprise, guilty curling in his gut. She was right, he knew. He'd never really cared how Gabriel felt. He hadn't wanted to admit what he knew, not then, because it was all just so surreal. And he'd been angry and confused. It had taken a long time to come to terms with the whole situations, not just Gabriel's feeling for him, but his own feeling concerning the archangel.

Katherine huffed at him, or maybe at herself, before moving to take a seat next to him. Her hands folded in her lap. "I didn't know what he was going to do. In New York." she clarified. "He just said he wanted a last hurrah before it all ended and he couldn't do what he wanted with Dylan."

"Dylan?" Sam frowned.

"His vessel, Dylan O'Reilly. The guy he took when he left me the first time."

Sam stared at her. "He took….Dylan after…? - When we…?"

Katherine nodded. "He knew he couldn't stay then, after you… - You affected him more than he wanted to admit. Hell, I felt it behind the wall." she sighed sadly. "I knew he… - I hurt you, back then, avoiding you like I did, I just couldn't take it and it wasn't like I could tell you, Gabriel made me swear not to. Said you'd never believe it."

Sam pinched the bridge of his nose; tears making his eyes burn as he held them at bay. "I didn't know what I'd done wrong. In hindsight, it all makes sense, but at the time, I just saw the first girl I'd ever kissed running away from me. - Wasn't good for my teenage ego."

"Sorry." Katherine whispered. "And if I'd known what he was planning in New York, I never would have agreed. It was wrong and unfair to you, I told him so after." she turned to look at the photos. "But then if he hadn't, we wouldn't have Alfie."

Sam glanced over his shoulder. "Yeah. - I… - I just wish he'd told me sooner. I get why he didn't, he explained his reasons but….if he'd only told me so much pain could have been avoided."

Katherine stared at him. "Do you know what happened to him?" she asked quietly.

Sam turned to meet her blue tearful gaze. "What has he told you?"

Katherine shook her head. "Nothing. He doesn't talk about it, says he can't remember. - But he has nightmare sometimes and I know it wasn't good whatever it was." she took a deep breath. "He's not the same boy I raised."

Sam pressed his hand to Katherine's knee; surprised at the feeling of familiarity and yet, it was so different. "He'll be fine." he whispered. "Not remembering is better, trust me. - He'll get through it. The nightmare will fade eventually. - And as for the sons of bitches that took him, well, one's already dead, the other….soon will be." Sam promised dangerously.

Katherine nodded; smiled softly at him.

They sat in silence for a long while, listening to Alfie move around in the kitchen. Sam became lost in his own thoughts; staring out the window as everything Katherine had said slowly sank in, until he was startled by Alfie's voice behind him.

"So do you have to get back? Are you and Dean working a case in town?"

Sam turned to stare at his son; who stood in the alcove watching him. "Huh, no. Dean's off helping a friend, another hunter. - I've got a couple of days before he gets back."

"Great. You want to stay for dinner?"

Sam looked nervously between Alfie and Katherine, uncertain. He wanted to say yes, he wanted to spend more time with Alfie, getting to know his son properly. "I… don't…"

"Of course he's staying." Katherine announced, cutting him off. "Why don't you boys talk while I get it started. - Chilli okay with you Sam?"

"Fine. Thanks." Sam nodded, half way between awkward and excited.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Of course, I was going to bring Alfie/Samandriel back. I couldn't let Sam lose his son after everything. Plus if he'd stayed dead, Sam would probably never forgive Cass. Ever. And if you watch the episode its plausible as there are no angel wings when Samandriel is killed. No angel wings, no dead angel. That's the rule man. 
> 
> I'm not sure I did Missouri justice if I'm honest. I know it is probably a little farfetched that she'd be the one leading Sam to Katherine but I couldn't think of any other way to bring them together and I've always liked Missouri, personally I think it's a shame she never reappeared. - I also guiltily confess that it took me far to long to recognize her voice on Doc McStuffin. 
> 
> Where did the message come from? Gabriel? God? Samandriel? That's up to you right now. 
> 
> UPDATE: So I was originally going to work to the chronological timeline but certain things in the actual show have made that impossible, seeing as Henry states its 2013 in As Time Goes By, so I'm going to have to work to the canon timeline as found on Supernatural Wiki.


	3. Father & Son

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Father/Son bonding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is a lot shorter than I intended.

The pair sat awkward in silence for a long while, Sam shifting nervously in his seat. The sound of Katherine moving around the kitchen the only noise in the house. Sam thought about leaving more than once but couldn't bring himself to. His eyes drifted back to the mantle every few minutes, his heart skipping guiltily. He'd never expected to be the one to leave a one-night stand holding the baby, that was Dean's speciality, okay, it happened once, but still he never though _he'd_ be that man.

His stomach clenched at the memory of Emma, monster that she was, she'd still been Dean's daughter and he'd killed her. It had haunted him, he didn't know what he would have done if he hadn't had Gabriel to turn to. Only Gabriel hadn't been real. - But the peace he'd give, even imaginary, had been better than none at all.

"So Dean's on a hunt?" Alfie said, pulling Sam out of his head.

"Huh?"

"You said Dean was hunting with a friend?"

"Yeah, Garth. He's a little…unusually but a good hunter."

"You didn't go with them?"

"They didn't need me. - And well, I needed some time away from Dean."

Alfie stared at him and Sam got that feeling of being read. He felt it all the time with Cass. - He'd even on occasion had felt like Gabriel was reading his mind. He'd never liked it.

Alfie nodded understandingly; pressing his lips into a firm line while staring down at his sneakers covered feet.

Sam exhaled. "So…what do you do? - Here I mean. I know you were at college when…before."

Alfie shrugged. "At the moment I'm just…getting settled again. I want to go back to school. Maybe."

"I think you should." Sam smiled encouragingly. "I saw you're grades, you're bright, don't waste it."

Alfie sighed, getting to his feet and walked out of the room. Sam sat frozen, fearing he'd said something, done something to upset his son. He pushed himself out of his seat and moved to the door; worry etched in his features when he heard Alfie returning. Sam retook his seat cautiously watching Alfie approach and sit beside him.

"So I found this in the library a few days ago." He held out a book to Sam.

"What is it?"

"You're parents' high school year book." Alfie clarified, flicking though the pages before holding it out to his father.

Sam scanned the black and white pictures until a soft smile caught his attention, younger than the last time he'd seen her. **Mary Campbell**. His mother. The tears he'd fought to hold back since his arrival finally slid his eyes. His fingers stroking the beautiful girls face.

The cushion shifted beside him but he didn't look up, he simply tore his gaze from his mother and flipped through the pages until he found another all too familiar face. **John Winchester**. The thick black lettering announced. Sam swiped at his eyes, the sudden image of his grandfather flooding his mind. His dad would never know what Henry had done, that he'd given his life to save them. - Why he'd supposedly abandoned him as a child. The John staring up at him now had no idea that his father was a hero. That he'd loved him.

Sam turned sharply to stare at Alfie, his eyes red and sore, his heart racing as he looked at the boy he'd help create, his chest swelling with an unfamiliar warmth.

"You okay?" Alfie asked gently, his brow drawn tight together.

Sam nodded. "Fine." he choked. "I… - I just… - I met my grandfather recently, your great grandfather, Henry Winchester." he swallowed the lump growing in his throat. "He…my dad…" he looked down at the picture. "He thought he'd been abandoned but he hadn't, not on purpose. Henry was pulled here. He tried to get back but… - He sacrificed himself to save me and Dad will never know."

Alfie sighed sadly, hanging his head. "I'm sorry."

"You'll never know him." he glanced back at the mantle.

Alfie followed his line of sight. "I have memories." he reassured tightly.

"Yeah, but it's not the same." Sam shook his head. "Me and my dad argued constantly. We never saw eye to eye, but I still wish he was here."

"I…. - I miss him." Alfie confessed quietly. "It's only been a couple of years for me, so it still…hurts. - I was really young when he… - I miss his voice as he told me bedtime stories. I miss his silly jokes and the way he'd play with me. - I wish he were here sometimes. - When the nightmares come. He was so good dealing with nightmares."

Sam smiled shakily, his hand squeezing the younger man's shoulder. "I…" he took a breath. "I miss him too sometimes." he confessed. "He'd be proud of you. - And pissed at me for not protecting you. For not finding that message sooner."

Alfie shook his head. "I'm not so sure he'd be that proud of me. I got captured didn't I, despite everything he warned us against I didn't run when I knew there was trouble."

"Believe me, he wouldn't hold that against you. He'd just blame it on your genes." Sam smiled. "Us Winchesters never know when to walk away from trouble, it's how I ended up with Gabriel in the first place."

Alfie raised a brow quizzically. "Oh?"

Sam laughed. "Yeah. The night we…" he shook his head. "You were…you know, he got into a fight with a biker at a bar and once again _I_ had to rescue him, just like in high school. I should have walked away, trouble always follows Gabriel but I just…couldn't." he sighed.

"Katherine doesn't talk about…how I was conceived." Alfie said matter-of-factly. "She says she wasn't there, Dad only told me the bare minimum. I was only a kid after all. I know Katherine was his vessel."

Sam nodded. "She'd been his vessel in high school too, that's how I met her…him….them both. I don't know why he was there, he never told me. I used to think it was just to screw with me but…he insisted it wasn't. - He was only around for a couple of weeks, then he vanished, though I didn't know that, I didn't even know…I thought Katherine was just giving me the brush off for kissing her. - Anyway I bumped into him in New York, not knowing it was Gabriel. I thought it was Katherine. I saved him from the biker, we had a few drinks and reminisced. It was like we'd never been apart then…well…I'm pretty sure you don't want the gory details." he flushed. "You're here so you can probably figure out the rest. - I assume Katherine's explained about the birds and the bees?"

Alfie looked at him confused. "Huh?"

Sam stared with wide eyes. "You're…kidding right?"

The laugh that burst out of Alfie sent a pain though Sam's chest. "Of course I know about sex. I even had a girlfriend before…." his smile faded slightly.

"You did?" Sam asked, surprised. "Isn't that…I mean you're technically only…"

"And Dad's a good few _billion_ years old than you." Alfie pointed out smugly. "You're practically a baby compared to him."

"Touché." Sam conceded with a laugh. "And gross. I do not need to be thinking that. - So what was her name?"

"Melissa. - I met her the first day of freshman year but we didn't start dating for almost three months."

"What happened?"

Alfie looked at him like he was crazy. "I vanished. - Now I'm here."

"Right. Sorry."

Alfie gave a quick shrug. "It wasn't like I was planning to marry her or anything, we were just dating."

"Still."

"What about you?"

Sam stared down at his hands, a strange sense of guilt rolling over him. "Huh…There was… _someone_ but that's over now. - It was never going to work."

Alfie frowned at him. "Why?"

"You know what this life is, it wouldn't be fair to bring someone into this." Sam shrugged.

"Dinner will be ready in five, you guys better get cleaned up." Katherine called from the kitchen; causing them both to jump.

Alfie laughed, getting to his feet. "Come on, I'll show you to the bathroom.

Sam closed the yearbook and placed it on the couch before following after his son.

 

**~~~There Are No Lies, Only Truths No Yet Told~~~**

 

Dinner passed with an easy atmosphere and light conversation. Sam avoided any mention of his work or Alfie's missing couple of years, instead asking questions about his son's childhood and Katherine's work. She regaled him with stories of Alfie's first word, which had apparently been Dada. His first step, which had been Gabriel's proudest day on earth. How he'd grown quicker them normal children. - Obviously. - And how that had made living in her small New York apartment more difficult.

While they didn't talk about hunting they couldn't avoid all mention of it, especially concerning Gabriel. Each time it happened Sam felt a tightness in his chest. Despite the discomfort and pain it was nice hearing tales of the archangel's relationship with their son. He only wished he'd been there to see it.

After dinner Sam helped Alfie with the dishes, their conversation focusing on more social topics like sport, politics, films and music. It was almost eleven when Sam started to make his farewells.

"When are you leaving town?" Alfie asked at the door.

"I need to be back before Dean, so tomorrow some time. - Why?"

Alfie nodded, scuffing the toe of his sneaker on the stoop. "There's a…. high school football game tomorrow, I just thought maybe we could catch it." he asked nervously.

Sam had very few memories of father/son time with his dad and what he did have were pretty much centred on hunting in one form or another. All his early fun memories were shared with Dean or Bobby. Even when he'd joined the soccer team back in middle school, his dad had been too focused on some creature to even make it to a game, Dean had been his only cheerleader. He sworn to himself he'd _never_ be like that. He'd always have time for his kid. "Sounds good." Sam smiled. "I can pick you up. What time?"

"Kick off's at four. - You could come for Sunday lunch and we could head over after." Alfie said trying to hide his smile, and failing.

Sam's heart leapt at the sight, his chest warming. "I'll be here a one, okay?"

"Great. See ya then."

Sam hovered on the threshold for a long moment before forcing himself to leave, heading back to the car he constantly glanced back over his shoulder.

 

**~~~There Are No Lies, Only Truths No Yet Told~~~**

 

He had a son. Despite it being almost forty-eight hours since he'd discovered the truth, Sam was still having trouble digesting it. It was just so unreal. He had a son the past five years. His and Gabriel's son. Sam threw back another glass of Jack, his mind buzzing loudly. He wasn't sure if what he was feeling concerning Gabriel was anger or regret. Setting the empty glass down on the nightstand, Sam fell back into the pillow, his eyes drifting shut. His mind travelling back to that last night with Gabriel, wishing the angel had told him they'd had a son before he'd died.

Sam couldn't help but wonder if he'd have left the archangel quiet so easily had he known. Would he have dragged Gabriel away as they'd done to Kali?

He was still questioning himself as sleep pulled him into her warm embrace.

_Sam stood in the middle of the stylish motel room, staring down at Gabriel. The archangel's soft amber eyes never leaving his. He was so close he could almost touch him. He wanted to touch him. "Why are you really here?" he whispered, conscious of Dean only a few feet away._

" _I told you, I'm here to pull your asses out of the fire."_

_Sam stared at him intently, taking a small step forward. "Why?"_

_Gabriel didn't answer, he just watched Sam watch him. Sam took another step, then another, until there was only an hairbreadth between them._ " _Tell me_ , _Gabriel."_

" _Because we have a son." the archangel whispered._

_Sam's face split with an overjoyed smile, reaching out he pulled the archangel to him, his fingers wrapping tight in the folds of the man's jacket, his mouth descending, taking Gabriel in a fierce hungry kiss. His hands lifting to cradle Gabriel's face between his large palms. The archangel's fingers combing through Sam's over long hair._

_Finally Sam drew back still smile; his thumb rubbing at the shorter man's jaw._

" _Look after him Sam." Gabriel said brokenly; taking a step back._

" _You're coming with us." Sam demanded; his eyes scanning the empty dining room, the upturned tables, the gaping door. "We'll look after him together. Gabriel!" he yelled as the archangel took another step away. "Gabe?_ _Gabriel_ _!"_

_Sam flinched as bright light filled his vision, a loud cry of agony ringing in his ears._

Sam shot up breathless in bed, the sheets tangled around his legs, his t-shirt damp with sweat. His head hurt; pounding within his skull. It had been over a year since he'd last had a nightmare of Gabriel's death, while he hadn't actually been witness to it, he'd seen enough angels killed to create the moment in his mind and every time it left him cold and sick to his stomach, bone-weary and lost.

Closing his eyes once more Sam inhaled, trying to fight the waves of nausea. It took ten minutes of deep breaths before he felt able to open them again and face the world. Glancing at the clock he groaned. 11:40am, Alfie and Katherine were expecting him for lunch.

Throwing back the covers, Sam climbed out of the bed and marching to the bathroom. He wasn't going to let Alfie down, no matter how crappy he felt. It was their last day together for a while and he was determined to make the most of it.

 

**~~~There Are No Lies, Only Truths No Yet Told~~~**

 

It was strange standing on the bleachers shoulder to shoulder with his adult _looking_ son, watching his hometown high school football team. It was surreal in a way nothing else in his life had ever been. - And stranger yet it felt natural. Normal. He'd gone to games in Kermit with Amelia, they'd had fun cheering, being just like everyone else, but there had always been something missing, a hole she couldn't fill. At the time he'd put it down to the grief of losing Dean. Then Dean had returned and the hole remained, so he'd told himself it was there because he'd walked away from Amelia, from his change of normality.

Now through, standing in the cool sunlight of a Sunday afternoon, that hole in his soul felt just a little bit smaller. A lot less painful.

He glanced at Alfie as he cheered along with everyone else and a smile slowly spread across his face, his heart swelling with emotion, with a soul deep connection he'd never felt in his life. Not with his Dad, Dean or Jessica. Then he felt tears prickling at the back of his eyes, Gabriel should be there, side by side with them, enjoying this normal day. When Alfie turned to meet his gaze, a look of understanding in his blue eyes, Sam knew he felt it too.

The game ended with a defeat for Lawrence but Sam wasn't wholly disappointed and neither was Alfie from the look on his face. It was obvious that while his son had enjoyed the game, it had merely been an excuse to spent time together. They walked back across the field to the parking lot, talking casually about the game.

When they reached the rental car, Sam turned; his hands buried awkwardly in his pockets. They stood in an uncomfortable silence until Sam cleared his throat and pulled out the keys. "Well I…" he glanced up at the darkened sky. "…should really be heading back, if I'm not there when Dean gest back he'll ask a billion questions."

Alfie nodded. "Thank you." he murmured softly.

"For what?" Sam frowned.

"Finding me." Alfie choked out. "For coming to tell Katherine, when you thought…"

Sam stepped forward almost on instinct, like a violent pull in his chest and dragged Alfie into an unexpected embrace, the both of them unsure and awkward for a few seconds before the bond of blood wiped all doubts away. Sam squeezed his son tightly, Alfie's arms clinging to the back of his jacket. Tears burning in both their eyes.

"I'm so glad you're alive." Sam whispered brokenly; his face pressed into his son's neck, not caring what anyone around them might think. Despite all their issues it was never said the Winchesters didn't know how show affection. - At least in part. At least towards family.

Pulling back finally Sam swiped at the tears on his cheeks with hid arm, Alfie following suit. "You have my number and email, I'll keep in touch as often as I can." he promised; his voice thick with emotion.

Alfie nodded; keeping silent.

"If you need anything, call. - Watch yourself and Katherine." Sam pulled open the car door while Alfie continued to nod, mutely. "Do you need a ride home?" he asked as an afterthought.

"No. I'll be fine."

The pair stared at each other once more, Sam's fingers tight on the open car door. He didn't want to go. Didn't want to leave his son. However, he had a job to do, an important job and Alfie understood that. "I'll call you later." he promised sadly, taking another intense look at his son, he finally climbed reluctantly behind the wheel. Alfie pushed the door close and stepped back; waving through the window as Sam stared the engine.

Taking a deep painful breath he pulled away from the grassy curb, his eyes flickering between the road ahead and the rear-view until he lost all sight of Alfie. With that he just tightened his jaw, swallowed convulsively at the pain in his chest and drove back to Lebanon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I have the timeline worked out correcting for Alfie's true age to be six years. He was born before episode 10: Abandon All Hope, which takes place a few months before Valentine's day. (I went with November). Then Sam goes to hell and is then rescued and spends a year with Samuel and his cousins, making Alfie a little over a year when season 6 starts, right? He's two by the end of season 6, he's three by the end of season 7, then Sam goes to live with Amelia for a year during which Alfie turns five (though he's in heaven by then.) So at the start of this story he's just turned six, as this begins just after episode 12: As Times goes By which is two episodes before Trail and Error where they state its February. - I think that's right, complicated but right.
> 
> I added another dream sequence with Gabriel because it's my way of keeping Gabriel alive in the story. Gone but not forgotten. The scene is a reworking of the scene from Unrequited Sabriel: Masquerade. 
> 
> If you think Samandriel/Alfie is out of character, you have to remember he was brainwashed by heaven. The Samandriel we met in the show was the one out of character, this is the real Samandriel/Alfie. 
> 
> I was originally going to have Claire Novak be at the game but while writing it up I decided that was maybe a bit too much. Missouri getting a call from beyond that brings Sam back to Lawrence where his son is living in his grandparent's old house, that's one thing, it's slightly plausible but Claire being in Lawrence, nah, I just can't defend that, even to myself. So that got cut. - And I'm thankful I did as I just found out she's back in season 10 and that would have just landed me with problems. I am however hoping that her return in 10 will give me a change to bring her and Samandriel/Alfie together because I have a bit of a would-be-ship concerning those to.


	4. Blood Ties

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam finds something interesting in the MoL's archives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UPDATE 17/11/16: I altered the dates on the emails after re-watching season 8 as well has going through the canon timeline of Supernatural wiki.

The bunker was dark and thankfully still empty when Sam arrived back. Stepping over the threshold, he turned on the lights with a world-weary sign. He felt exhausted and hollow, taking the steps down to the large library, he dumped his bag and marched over to the drinks trolley; pouring himself a large glass of scotch. Sam fell into the comfy leather chair and closed his eyes. His son's face drifting though his mind.

During the drive, back he'd actually contemplated turning around. He felt a tinge of guilt, it had been so easy walking away from Amelia, despite loving her, despite what he'd said to Dean, and himself, there really hadn't been a choice. He'd known that even then. - Driving away from Lawrence though had almost killed him, knowing there was every change he might not see his son again.

However, Gabriel had kept him driving because He'd sacrificed his life to save them, him as well as Alfie, Sam knew that now. - He'd known that then. - Saving the world, that had been a bonus. Now it was Sam's turn to take that path, no matter where it led. It was his turn to do whatever it took to protect their son, which meant closing the gates of Hell, making the world a better place for Alfie. - Maybe for his grandchildren someday.

 _Wow. Grandchildren_. He hadn't thought about children let alone grandchildren, not in a very long time. Now it was a really possibility.

Putting down his glass untouched Sam grabbed his bag and headed for his room, dumping the duffle just inside the door, Sam threw himself down on the bed, his eyes drifting closed. When he opened them again he stared up at the grey concrete ceiling, taking a breath. Sam reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out the medium sides enveloped Katherine had given him before he'd left. Opening it he slipped his fingers between the folds to close over the contents, tugging them free cautiously. He shifted up to lean against the headboard, tossing the envelope aside.

" _I thought you might like these."_ Katherine had said; slipping them into his hand at the door.

He'd looked inside and felt his chest ache. _"Are you sure?"_

" _I have more than enough."_ she'd smiled warmly. _"Besides, you're his father and Gabriel would want you to have them."_

Sam looked down at the images. He'd seen a couple on Katherine's mantle, the rest he'd spotted in the album she'd shown him after dinner. He smiled softly at the photos of a small boy, no more than a year old, playing with blocks in the middle of a soft blue carpet. Of Alfie pulling a face at the camera, his features painted like a lion. Alfie curled up on his bed, arms around a small stuffed dog. Of him as a baby, sleeping soundly in his basinet.

Then there were the ones of him with Gabriel. Horsing around, making faces at one another, poking their tongues out at the camera. The pair lying stretched out on the couch, sleeping. A copy of the photo where Gabriel was holding Alfie, his vessel, Dylan, at his side. Katherine had told him the story of how Dylan had been forced to move her dresser a few feet in order to set the camera up.

The last photo in the pile was his favourite and he suspected Katherine knew it, she'd probably seen him staring at it every few minutes. The one from her mantle of Gabriel and Alfie together, wide grins on their faces. The last photo taken according to Alfie. - Sam's heart ached looking at it now, knowing that.

Reaching for his cell, opening his contacts he stared down at his son's name before pressing the call button. It rang only three times before being picked up, Alfie's voice clear and eager. _"Hey, Sam. Everything okay?"_

Sam smiled to himself. "Fine. Just calling to let you know I got back okay." it lied, he was calling because he needed to hear the boy's voice. It was crazy.

" _So did I."_ Alfie replied; a smile in his voice.

"That's good." he trailed off, unsure what else to say. His eyes settled on the photo. "Alfie, did Katherine give me the photo off the mantle, of you and Gabriel?"

" _It's a copy."_ Alfie reassured.

Sam breathed a sigh of relief. "Good. Tell her thanks again."

" _Will do. - Is Dean back yet?"_

"No. He called when I was on my way back, said he should be getting in tomorrow morning."

"Then what's the plan?" Alfie asked curiously.

"I don't know. Look for a case."

"Well…. - I'd be interested in hearing about it when you've found one. I used to love…" he trailed off, his voice becoming think.

Sam sat up, setting the photo down beside him as he shrugged out of his jacket. "You sure? - I don't want to bring up…"

There was a long paused before Alfie replied. "It's fine. - As I said, Dad used to tell me bedtime stories of your adventures. It won't be any different than that." he brushed off.

"Okay then. - I'll be sure to email you all the gory details." Sam laughed light-heartedly.

"Yeah."

They fell silent, Sam trying desperately to think of something to say. Reluctantly to end the conversations, wanting to hold on a little longer to their reunion.

"Well I should go. - I was thinking of checking out the college tomorrow."

"That's great. - I'll speak to you again soon okay. - Good luck with the college."

"Thanks. Night…. S-Sam."

"Night Alfie."

There was another long pause; he listened to Alfie breathing down the line. Finally though he knew he had to hang up, so he took a breath and lowered the phone, hitting the button. He smiled sadly to himself as he set the cell on the nightstand and then gathered up the photos. He tucked them safely away in the top drawer, except for his favourite, which he set resting against the lamp. It couldn't stay there, he knew, Dean would see it and the questions would start, but for tonight he'd fall asleep within view of his son and archangel.

 

**~~~There Are No Lies, Only Truths No Yet Told~~~**

 

Sam stepped into the kitchen, rolling his shoulders, heading for the coffee pot. He'd slept surprisingly well, better than he had in months if he were honest. Thankfully, he'd not endured the nightmare of Gabriel's death again.

He'd been debating since he woke whether to call Alfie, but didn't want to come over like a possessive stalker, so had decided instead that he was going to do exactly what he'd told Dean he'd do, search the bunker's archives. See what the men of letters had on…well everything. He would call his son later just to check in.

After pouring himself a strong cup of six-decade-old coffee, Sam carried the mug towards the large file room, pushing open the heavy rusted door and flipped on the light, coughing from the layers of dust that flew into the air as he stepped inside. His eyes taking in the vast rows of filing cabinets.

Slowly Sam made his way along, his eyes scanning the metal boxes, their labels yellowed with time, the letters faded with age. He had no idea where to start. His instincts wanted to just dive into the centuries of lore. His own family heritage.

He found himself finally pausing at a file cabinet, the faded label stating T - U. He set his empty mug on top and tugged open the top drawer, his fingers dancing through the files. Pushing it closed he moved to the next and the next. Finally his fingers froze; taking a breath he gently pulled the thick files out and retrieved his mug, turning to head back to the library.

There was nothing in the file that they didn't already know. There was a lot of lore about Tricksters, various speculations and theories as to its origins. Witness accounts and obits going back centuries. How many of them were down to Gabriel, Sam wasn't at all sure. Some sounded very much like the archangel's handy-work while others not so much. _Maybe there's more than one trickster?_ Sam asked himself. He continued to flip through pages, scanning articles until finally a page jumped out at him. Leaning further forward to read the report, his heart racing faster and faster. Among all the official sound nonsense, a single paragraph glared up at him.

_**Through my correspondence with Rabbi Noah Rosen I have re-visited a dozen or so cases involving deaths believed to be the work of a trickster. We suspect that many cases attributed to the demi-god Loki are in fact the responsibility of the archangel Gabriel.** _

Sam squinted at the illegible faded lines before the report concluded.

_**I request permission to investigate this further.** _

They knew about Gabriel? Sam swallowed the lump that suddenly sprouted in his throat, focusing on the name at the bottom of the paper.

**Henry Winchester**

It was dated three months before the attack by Abaddon. Before Henry was thrown into the future. Shock rocked through Sam, his grandfather had suspected the Tricksters true identity. Sam hurriedly flicked through the files to see if the Men of Letter's had investigated but there was nothing else written about Gabriel being the Trickster. Sam couldn't quite believe it. Intrigued he read back over the report. _Rabbi Noah Rosen_.

Sam pushed back his chair and headed back to the file room in search of Rabbi Rosen, wanting to see just what Gabriel had done to bring about the suspicions of his grandfather and the Rabbi.

 

**~~~There Are No Lies, Only Truths No Yet Told~~~**

 

Sam lost himself in research, what had started out as a quest for information on Gabriel had turned into a quest for information on the Men of Letter's themselves and their allies. Rabbi Rosen had lead him to a complicated network of contacts and groups, and ultimately to a case.

He was so deeply buried in his work he was startled slightly at the sound of his brother's voice arriving back from his hunting trip with Garth. "Hey." Sam greeted suddenly. "So how's Kevin doing?" Dean had said he was going to drop by the rusty barge to check on the prophet on his way back.

"You know. He's okay I guess. He's in his corner, hacking out his Da Vinci Code. - Nothing actionable yet. Garth says hi by the way."

Sam smirked as he watched Dean grab a beer then head over to the table he was working at.

"Anything on Cass?"

Sam's heart leapt into his throat at the mention of the angel, instantly bring Alfie to mind. He'd forgotten to call him. "No…" he answered; fighting to keep the anger out of his voice. "Uh…not a peep. Why, you?" he asked nervously, unable to stop the fearful thought that Cass had gone to Dean for help finding Alfie.

Part of Sam, the calm sensible part of him, was having a hard time getting his head around Cass' actions, either Cass killed a defenceless, unarmed angel in cold blood or… - Someone made him.

"No…He's…uh… - He's not answering." Dean said regretfully.

Sam stared up at his brother. He wasn't stupid, he knew Dean was taking Cass going AWOL badly, probably because of the angel's out of character behaviour was bring back _a lot_ of bad memories for both of them. - And maybe because he was just missing his best friend. "Right. - Well, uh, so I have been trying to chart out the Letter's network of hunters, their allies…uh…affiliated groups they worked with, kept files on." Sam announced in a swift smooth change of subject.

"Circa 1958?" Dean scoffed.

"Yeah true, most are dead or defunct - But others, I'm not so sure and this one we should definitely check out." he pushed the files across to his brother. He'd gone through it twice already and while he'd been able to located Rabbi Rosen, there was nothing about Gabriel.

"The Judah Initiative?"

 

**~~~There Are No Lies, Only Truths No Yet Told~~~**

 

Sam slipped the photo carefully into his wallet; he'd never be without it from now on, just as Dean carried the photo of their mother. He contemplated calling Alfie to fill him in one where they were heading but he didn't have time and he couldn't risk Dean walking in on him. He'd simply have to email him from Pennsylvania.

 

**~~~There Are No Lies, Only Truths No Yet Told~~~**

 

February 11th 2013 13:25

To: SamRoberts09

From: LawrenceCampbell83

Subject: Latest Case.

Hey.

Firstly: This is a clean email address. I thought it was best considering that Dean has access to my other accounts though he thinks I don't know. Like I wouldn't know when he hacks into my emails. Its not that I'm not going to tell him about you, but considering how things are at the moment, I thought it would be best to keep that you're alive a secret. As soon as everything's cleared up, I'll find a way to explain everything to him.

Anyway. The Case. We're in Wilkes-Barre. Pennsylvania at the moment looking into the death of Rabbi Isaac Bass. He apparently spontaneously combusted in front of a good two dozen witness. I'll keep you updated on what we find.

Say hi to Katherine for me.

Sam **.**

**~~~us~~~**

February 11th 2013 13:35

To: LawrenceCampbell83

From: SamRoberts09

Subject: Re: Latest Case.

Its fine Sam, I understand not wanting to tell Dean. Its not like any of this is going to be easy to explain and if I'm honest I'm not really ready for the family reunion just yet.

Have you heard from Castiel?

I checked out the story on line. It does sound a little iffy. I can't wait to hear what you've found. I've never known of an actual case of spontaneous human combustion before, its always something logical. - Or supernatural.

Katherine says hi.

Alfie.

**~~~us~~~**

February 11th 2013 17:25

To: SamRoberts09

From: LawrenceCampbell83

Subject: Re: Re: Latest Case

So apparently we're dealing with Necromancers and not just any Necromancers. Nazi Necromancers. The Thule Society. I used to think nothing could surprise anymore, guess I was wrong. And Dean's right, no matter how many times I say it, its still unreal.

We've also got an out of control Golem. Rabbi Bass' grandson Aaron has no idea how to control him and the lore is all over the place. The thing keeps telling Aaron to take charge but he has no idea how he's supposed to do that, and neither do we.

In lighter news...Dean almost freaking out because he thought Aaron was hitting on him back at the bar. I swear he looked positively disappointed when he found out the guy was just trying to find out what we knew about his grandfather's death. I don't know whether to be amused or disturbed.

No we haven't heard from Cass. Frankly I'm not sure I want to right now.

PS. If I ever gift you with any ancient book or scroll, **DO NOT SMOKE THEM!**

**~~~us~~~**

February 11th 2013 18:03

To: LawrenceCampbell83

From: SamRoberts09

Subject: Golem

If you want to take charge of the Golem, Aaron needs to claim it. It carries a scroll in its mouth that Aaron must write his name on. Once he replaces the scroll the Golem will be solely under his control.

Why would I smoke them?

**~~~us~~~**

February 11th 2013 23:50

To: SamRoberts09

From: LawrenceCampbell83

Subject: Re: Golem

Thanks for the help but sadly I didn't get your email until after the Nazi's attacked. That is the weirdest thing I've ever said. We're alright, Aaron eventually took control. He's going to carry on the legacy of his grandfather and protect the Golem. I'll be sure to check your emails more regularly.

Aaron smoked the book his grandfather left him with the instruction about the Golem. When he was telling us, the first thing to pop into my mind was that I had to tell you not to do that.

How did it go at the college by the way?

**~~~us~~~**

February 12th 2013 00:02

To: LawrenceCampbell83

From: SamRoberts09

Subject: Re: Re: Golem

Oh. LOL. Well I can reassure you now I will never smoke anything you give me.

Good. I think I might go back but maybe start small; I don't think I'm ready to jump into a full work loud just yet.

**~~~us~~~**

February 12th 2013 00:09

To: SamRoberts09

From: LawrenceCampbell83

Subject: Night

Yeah, I know what you mean. I just wish you hadn't had to go through what you went through. I'm sorry Alfie. If you ever need to talk about anything. I'm here.

**~~~us~~~**

February 12th 2013 00:10

To: LawrenceCampbell83

From: SamRoberts09

Subject: Re: Night

Thanks.

**~~~us~~~**

**00:13 2/12/2013**

**Sent:**

**Night Alfie**

**~~~us~~~**

_**00:14** _ **2/12** _**/2013** _

_**Inbox:** _

_**Night Sam.** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sorry it's another short chapter, it's more of a filler/bridge chapter if I'm honest. 
> 
> So I know it's a bit indulgent to have Henry suspect Gabriel of being Loki but I really don't care, someone had to have suspected at some point surely and considering how there never seems to be such a thing as coincident in the lives of the Winchesters, it could very well have been Henry. 
> 
> Hell, maybe Henry had an encounter with Gabriel? Who knows? What we do know is that the Men of Letter's knew about Angels. See: As Time Goes By, where Henry says they need angel feathers for a spell. (That Dean conveniently has in the Impala… huh?) So is it really such a leap that maybe the MoL's know something the hunters and even the 'Gods' don't? 
> 
> Anyway I like the connection it gives. Everything is bound together whether Sam likes it or not.


	5. Shining In The Hellfire Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam starts the trials.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UPDATE: 17/11/16 – I decided to delete the first couple of paragraphs of this chapter, because it didn't quite fix the timeline, Sam and Dean couldn't have been back at the bunker for more than a few hours before being called away by Kevin.

_To Gabriel also the Lord said, go to the biters, to the reprobates, to the children of fornication; and destroy the children of fornication, the offspring of the watchers_

Sam sucked in a sharp horrified breath. Gabriel had been sent to destroy the children of the fallen angels, the Nephilim? Destroy others like Alfie. Another ice chill ran though him at the revelations. Had he done it? A small voice in the back of Sam's head said he had. Said that Gabriel had once been a good son of God, had done what he'd been ordered and thus had killed the Nephilim, wiped them from the face of the earth.

Sam sat back and just stared at the book in front of him, his eyes wide and fixed. Everything Alfie and Katherine had told him about who Gabriel was as a father made it hard to believe he could kill so cold bloodedly. Though the pages said the Nephilim were giant terrifying creatures, but Alfie wasn't a giant, he wasn't terrifying, he was just….human, almost. He looked no different from any other human twenty-one year old. He wasn't a monster. He wasn't a threat. Which meant Gabriel had most likely killed innocent children because they just happened to be born of angels and humans.

_To Michael likewise the Lord said; go and announced his crimes to Samyaza and to the others who are with him, who have been associated with women, that they might be polluted with all their impurity. And when all their sons shall be slain, when they shall see the perdition of their beloved, bind them for seventy generations underneath the earth, even to the day of judgement and of consummation, until the judgement the effect of which will last for ever, be completed._

_Then shall they be taken away into the lowest depths of the fire in torments; and in confinement shall they be shut up for ever…_

**_~~~us~~~_ **

_Then the Lord said to me; Enoch, scribe of righteousness, go tell the Watchers of heaven, who have deserted the lofty sky, and their holy everlasting station, who have been polluted with women._

_And have done as the sons of men do, by taking to themselves wives, and who have been greatly corrupted on the earth;_

_That on the earth they shell never obtain peace and remission of sin. For they shall not rejoice in their offspring; they shall behold the slaughter of their beloved; shall lament for the destruction of their sons; and shall petition for ever; but shall not obtain mercy and peace….._

Sam's heart thundered beneath his ribs and in his ears, his hands trembling against the desk and tears stinging the back of his eyes. Had Gabriel suffered the same way? Was he now bound beneath the earth, suffering the pain and torment of hell? Sam had never really allowed himself to think about what had happened to the angel after his death, or at least not the worst-case scenario, he'd fooled himself into not thinking about it, not asking Cass what exactly happened to angels when they died. A part of him had just told himself they simply cease to exist, or became a part of the universe like a kind of reincarnation. - Now, though he feared the worst.

For the first time in weeks, Sam actually wanted to see Cass, if only to ask him if his fears for Gabriel's fallen soul were grounded.

"Sammy?"

He snapped up straight; clearing his throat while slamming the book closed in front of him, his arms stretched out over it. He blinked away the tears in his eyes before finally turning to meet Dean's curious gaze. "Huh, yeah."

Dean stood across the room watching Sam intensely. "You okay?"

"Yeah, fine. Did you want something?"

"You want something to eat?" Dean inquired casually, though his suspicious stare remained fixed.

"Huh, yeah, thanks."

Dean lingered for a few moments before nodding and leaving the library.

Instantly Sam slumped in the chair, exhaling in a rush. He closed his eyes for a long moment and pushed the thoughts of Gabriel to the back of his mind. Finally he got to his feet and carried the book back to the shelve, retrieving one of the files he'd left abandoned on another table. Retaking his seat he forced himself to focus on something else until Dean interrupted him again by sliding a plate in front of him.

 

**~~~There Are No Lies, Only Truths No Yet Told~~~**

 

When they'd gotten the call from Kevin, Sam hadn't seriously expected to be told they were one-step closer to slamming the gates of hell, something that now left Sam with a hollow feeling in his gut. Every time he thought about it he couldn't help but wonder if he'd be trapping Gabriel down there for eternity. Then he'd hear a voice in the back of his mind whispering that it wasn't really any of their concern, that Gabriel had made his own bed. That humanity was more important than one fallen dead archangel. That voice sounded distinctly like Dean.

It felt like a weight had been lifted and added at the same moment. Part of him excited to bring to an end centuries of violence and torment by demons, while another part didn't want to close it, didn't want to have to stand in front of his son and say that Gabriel was trapped in hell for eternity because of him. - _He may not even be in hell_. He whispered to himself and he knew he was lying to himself.

By the time they were standing in the Cassity's living room, handcuffing the family to their chairs, Sam had decided that Gabriel was going to have to be the price for a demon free planet. He just hoped Alfie would understand that the greater good had to come first. After all Gabriel had sacrificed himself to save the world, and them. He had to have known where he would end up, where his….fling with Sam would lead him.

The hardest part though was knowing he was going to be the one to turn that final lock, to shut that gate for good. He stared down at the blood or goo, or whatever it was, and felt a mix of sadness and determination. Maybe it was right that he was the one closing the gates.

Of course, Dean didn't agree, but then when did he? The thing was; Sam had a reason to keep fighting, to survive this whole fucked up mess, but Dean? Sam hated to admit it, but his brother didn't. Not anymore.

He was pulled out of his thoughts when he realized Dean and Ellie were staring at him expectantly. "Uh yeah, he's had worse." he said; hardly knowing he'd been paying them any attention at all. He stood watching the pair, listening to Dean's false reassurances. He wished they could save the woman but that was impossible.

"You give us a minute?" Dean smiled down at the woman.

"Sure."

Sam watched her leave with a heavy heart. "Dean, even if she can dodge Crowley, as soon as Ellie dies, her soul is ear-marked for hell." he said the moment the door closed.

"Not if we shut it down first."

Sam closed his eyes, inhaling slowly before glancing back up at his brother, who was holding his hand out for the shirt. "The spells not gonna work for you Dean."

Dean snatched the shirt violently, ignoring him. Sam watched wearily as his brother yanked the spell Kevin had given them out of his pocket and held his breath despite knowing it wasn't going to work, exhaling slowly when he was proven correct, his gut tightening slightly in fear and regret.

"It doesn't matter." Dean grunted stubbornly. "We'll track down another Hell Hound and _I'll_ kill it."

Sam sighed. "No."

"Sam, I didn't pass the test."

"But I did. - And _I'm_ doing the rest of them."

Dean glared at him "My ass you are."

Sam pushed himself off the dresser, taking a almost pleading step towards his big brother. "Closing the gates, it's a suicide mission for you."

"Sam…"

"I wanna slam hell shut too, okay? But I wanna survive it. I wanna live." he had a reason to live. "And so should you. You have friends up here. Family." and hopefully soon Sam could tell Dean everything. He could take Dean back to Lawrence; reintroduce him to Alfie, his nephew. - And Katherine. "Hell, you even got your own room now. You were right, okay. I see light at the end of the tunnel… and I'm sorry you don't, I am, but its there and if you come with me, I can take you to it."

Dean groaned; his shoulder's slumping. "Sam, be smart."

"I am smart, and so are you…" he wished his brother would believe that. "You're not a grunt, Dean. You're a genius. When it comes to lore, to… you're the best hunter I've ever seen. Better than me, better than Dad. - I believe in you Dean, so please, please believe in me too."

He hated the pleading broken sound to his voice but he'd been fighting so many years for Dean to have faith in him and he knew he'd given him every reason not to. He knew he'd messed up more times than he could count, but just this once he needed Dean to put that trust in him. Too, see him as his equal, not his baby brother in need of protecting.

He watched the fight go out of Dean, there's faith in his eyes, only resignation. Like he knows, he's lost and is too tired to keep fighting, and that's not what Sam wants or need but if it gets him the spell, he'll take it.

Dean slaps the paper into his palm and Sam exhales with relief. He'll do this. He'll prove himself to Dean because he isn't going to fail this time. He can't fail.

" _Kah nah urm dah_." Sam recited.

The result was instantaneous; a sharp pain shot through his arm and chest, like he'd touched a live wire. He turned away from Dean so he didn't see the pain he knew was written all over his face. He forced air into his lungs as his chest began to feel like it was collapsing in on itself; his legs suddenly went weak and before he could stop himself he was on his knees staring down at his hands. He could hear Dean's voice off in the distance, calling to him but he couldn't focus on anything but the glowing in his hand, then his arm. It radiated and burned. - Then it was gone.

Taking a shaky breath, Sam got to his feet. His heart pounding painfully in his chest. "I'm good." he insisted, panting. "I'm okay." he straightened and looked over at Dean, the look of fear and disbelief in his brother's eyes. "I' can do this."

 

**~~~There Are No Lies, Only Truths No Yet Told~~~**

 

Sam stared out of the car window, the highway rushing past carrying them back to Lebanon. He'd had a heavy weight on his chest ever since Spencer's hold over his mind was broken. The warlock had dredged up too many memories. Hell, the Cage. Lucifer. Sam swallowed the lump that quickly formed in his throat. Maybe Dean had been right, maybe leaping straight into a hunt so soon after the first trial had been a mistake, but he'd needed to prove he was able to carry on, that it wasn't going to kill him. - He didn't know who he was lying to more.

The worst part about having the warlock in his head, pulling out things he'd tried to keep buried were the images of Alfie, battered, bruised and dead in Cass' arms. It had felt like it was happening all over again, only now it wasn't just another dead angel, it was his son and it left Sam feeling sick with grief and beyond vengeful. Now all he wanted to do was get away from Dean and go reassure himself that Alfie was alright, that he was alive and well. - That he was real.

But it wouldn't be easy. He couldn't just tell Dean to drop him off in Lawrence for a few days, Dean was watching him too closely now. Ever since they'd left Idaho, Dean was constantly giving him that look, the one he'd carried all the time when Lucifer was scrambling around in his head. That looked that said his brother was just waiting for him to lose it again.

Dean also kept asking if he was alright, it was beginning to grate. So much so, he'd already bitten Dean's head off once. It hadn't stopped the looks though and Sam doubted it would. It was another reason he needed to get away for a few hours, maybe days. Sam just wasn't sure how he was going to pull it off.

He was still trying to figure it out when Dean broke the silence they'd been sat in for almost thirty minutes. "Well it's possible I was wrong."

Sam frowned over at his brother. "What? About James? - Dude, we were _both_ ready to gank the guy." he reassured dismissively, twisting back to watch the highway.

"No. No, that's not what I meant."

Sam turned his gaze back to Dean intrigued and worried.

"Back there, when Spencer had us, he screwed with my head. I saw mom…" Dean met his eyes for a second. "When she died then some other crap."

Sam swallowed, shifting uncomfortably against the leather. "Me too."

"When I look back at what our family's been through, what _everyone's_ been though. Seeing all that pain. I realize that the only way we make it through all this is by hanging together."

Sam met Dean's gaze again, that hopeful feeling increasing. A weight easing off his shoulders.

"I trust you, Sammy. And this deal, locking those sons of bitches up in the furnace once and for all, its too important not to. So…if you say your good then that's it, I'm with you hundred percent."

Sam inhaled slowly; his throat tightening around the sudden lump Dean's faith created. He knew it wasn't going to be that simply, that Dean was still going to watch him like a hawk, but that was just him being a big brother, at least he wouldn't fight him anymore, wouldn't try to get him out of it. "I'm good." he coughed.

His body however disagreed with that statement. Icy fingers closed around Sam's heart in a vice grip of fear when he pulled his hand from his mouth and spotted the blood.

 

**~~~There Are No Lies, Only Truths No Yet Told~~~**

 

Sam woke with a start, the sun still hidden behind the surrounding mountains and his forehead peppered with sweat, the dream hovered just beyond his reach. All he could recall was the feeling of suffocation, like he was trapped, imprisoned. Throwing back the covers, Sam swung his legs over the side of the bed, leaning heavily on his knees; face in his hands as he tried to calm his racing heart. They were probably memories of his time in hell triggered by the last few days. Starting the trials and Spencer's mind-fuck had obviously reawakened things he'd successfully spent the last couple of years burying.

Getting to his feet, Sam padded towards the motel bathroom to wash off the clinging sweat and with it the dream itself.

 

**~~~There Are No Lies, Only Truths No Yet Told~~~**

 

It was almost a week before Sam got a change to escape the confines of the bunker and the overly watchful look of his brother. Thank you Garth. Dean had asked if he'd wanted to go along and had given him a concerned suspicious look when Sam declined, grumbling something about wanting to continue his search of the archives, but Dean didn't argue, he just wished him happy nerding and headed off. An hour later Sam was hitting the road in a hire car.

He pulled up outside the house and cut the engine, reaching over to the passenger seat he snagged the bouquet of flowers he'd picked up when he entered town. Claiming out of the car, he glanced around the silent neighbourhood, then turned to head up the path to the front door.

Sam knocked twice and waited, shuffling his feet. He turned to look over his shoulder nervously, like he half expected to see the gleam of the Impala parked across the street. - Finally the front door swung open to reveal a smiling Katherine.

"Hey."

Sam returned her warm welcome and held out the flowers, Katherine taking them with a tightly knitted confused brow.

"Thanks." she murmured, looking between the flowers and Sam.

He shoved his hands into the pockets of his beige jacket with a shrug. "It's just a thank you I guess. For the photos. - For everything."

"It was nothing." Katherine dismissed. "You have every right to have them."

"Thanks anyway."

Katherine turned, leaving Sam to close the front door and headed for the kitchen. "Alfie's out, but he shouldn't be long." she said over her shoulder as she filled a vase.

Sam pressed his shoulder to the door-jam. "Where is he?"

"College."

"Right. - Has he been…okay?"

Katherine glanced up from the flowers she was cutting. "He's still having nightmares, but they seem to be lessening."

"That's great, hopefully getting his life back to normal will help get rid of them for good."

"Hopefully. - I hate seeing him so…" she paused swallowed thickly. "Haunted."

"He'll get better." Sam said confidently.

They fell silent while Katherine arranged the flowers in a pretty vase, when she was done she carried them into the living room, Sam on her heels. She turned to meet his gaze as he hovered awkwardly by the couch. "Sit down, make yourself at home. - You want a drink? Tea? Coffee? - Beer?"

"Beer would be good."

She vanished for a moment, returning with a glass of water and a beer. "So, what do we owe the honour?"

"I just wanted to see Alfie." He said a little shaper than he intended.

If Katherine heard the harshness of his tone, she didn't acknowledge it. "How's work going?" she asked lightly; lifting the glass to her lips.

"Same as usual." he shrugged; sipping at his beer, hoping to dislodge the tickle in the back of his throat. "Dean's off hunting vampires with Garth."

"So you took the chance to come visit?"

Sam stared at her, a feeling of being judged settling in his chest. "I will tell him. - Just not yet. Its better he doesn't know until…everything is sorted out."

"I understand, I know all about Dean. - Gabriel told everything." she clarified. When Sam looked at her suspiciously. "I'm not judging you for keeping us a secret. - In fact I completely understand if what Gabriel used to tell me is even half true, he's not exactly going to be overjoyed about you and Gabe, right?"

Sam stared down at the brown glass. "I don't know how he's going to react."

Katherine looked at him disbelievingly.

"Okay, he's going to lose it. Though I'm not sure if it'll be because of the guy thing or because of…. Well, the _Gabriel_ thing. - They don't exactly…" Sam shook his head at the mistake. " _Didn't_ get along. Not after….everything."

"Well if it's the guy thing…" Katherine smiled; pulling her feet beneath her on the couch. "Surely he'd let it go when you explain about me. How you didn't know."

"That'll only make things worse." Sam sighed wearily; sipping his beer and leaning back into the large puffy cushions. "And there's the fact that I _did_ know."

Katherine watched him silently.

"Not at the beginning, but…" he took a sharp breath. He'd been waiting to talk to someone about it for years. "….later. I knew and I still…." he flushed; distracting himself by finishing his beer quickly and setting the empty bottle on the table with a loud clunk. "And later, _I_ kissed him." he looked up at her. " _Twice_."

"You…he doesn't need to know _that_ part, does he? You just have to tell him about New York to explain Alfie. Anything else that happened between you and Gabriel isn't any of his business."

Sam looked at her silently for a long few minutes. "I've been thinking about him a lot lately. - Since…all this." he waved his hand at the house. "Trying to figure out…everything."

"And by everything you mean?"

Sam sighed; pushing himself to his feet, padding over to the window. He stared out at the empty street. "Almost two years ago I had….some issues. Mental issues and…. I was hallucinating a lot of stuff. I almost lost it. - He was in here." he tapped his head. "He pulled me back from the edge. He was there when I needed to escape." he shook his head. "Afterwards I tried to forget about him. - Mostly succeeded. Even started seeing this woman, Amelia." he glanced over at Katherine briefly. "It didn't work out. Her husband wanted her back so I left. - I didn't even try to fight for her and it wasn't till I got Gabriel's message that I realized why." he took a breath; turning back to the view. "Because I didn't love her. I thought I did, but…."

"Are you saying you loved…."

Sam turned sharply. "No!" he said probably too quickly. "I'm straight. I've always been straight and he's….dead." he swallowed the bitter taste of the word. "It's just…. I don't know." he sighed. "I'm so confused right now." he turned once again; unable to look at Katherine anymore. "He could be in hell." he whispered quietly.

"What?"

He took a breath before repeating himself. "He could be in hell, because of me. - Because of what we…did, he might be…."

"Ah." Katherine said quietly; nodding.

Sam looked at her. "You know?"

"He said it might be a possibility." she murmured apologetically. "He broke the rules Sam, a big one, and not just by having Alfie, by loving you the way he did. Angels aren't meant to love like that Sam. He doesn't like it." she nodded to the ceiling.

"Then why did he?" Sam frowned.

Katherine laughed sadly. "Why does anyone fall in love? I don't know, he didn't know. You just kinda…." she smiled softly. "Got under his skin."

Sam huffed before falling silent; his eyes fixed to the street, his head spinning and his heart racing.

"I don't know what to tell you Sam. He knew what he signed up for." Katherine said softly behind him. "All I can say is…. At least you have Alfie."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Source material. Fallen Angels: The Origins of Evil. By Elizabeth Claire Prophet. Summit University Press. [Chapter: The Book of Enoch. 10:13, 10:15 & 12:5-7] I fully recommend the book, it's very interesting.
> 
> I have a theory about the Azazel, about why if he's an angel he can possess people. Basically when God sent Michael and the others to punish them, he ripped them of their Grace before sending them to hell, so they were basically human. We know from the show that the longer a human soul stays in hell the more demonic it becomes, so Azazel becomes a demon. I know what you're going to say, what about Lucifer? Well that's easy, Lucifer still had his Grace when he was sent to hell and he still sees himself as an angel ultimately (Unlike Azazel) so he is still bound by the 'no possession' rule.
> 
> Of course taking that into consideration, I can't help but wonder about Meg. When Azazel called her his daughter was he speaking metaphorically or was he being literal. Maybe Meg is a slain Nephilim that ended up in hell. It might go a way to explaining her attraction to Cass (other than the fact she has eyes and taste obviously) and why she has small instances of doing the right thing. (At least in the later seasons)
> 
> Of course, that's just my theory because I spend too much time thinking about this stuff. 
> 
> That whole 'believe in me Dean' speech is part way between being the best speech in seasons and making me want to scream for a sick bucket.
> 
> I want to thank everyone for reading and reviewing. I love hearing what you've got to say about the series. - If there's anything you think needs clarifying, or you think I should tag, please let me know.


	6. There But For The Grace

Sam startled awake, his breathing heavy like he'd run a marathon rather than slept in a comfortable bed. For a moment, he still felt the claustrophobia, the walls crowding in on him. He could still smell the choking aroma of smoke and sulpha, could still feel the heat closing around him. Sam wiped the sweat from his face. As his hand came away from his forehead, he caught a glimpse of a mark on his wrist. Instantly he reached for the lamp; flooding the room with light but when he glanced back at his wrist, the marks were gone. He traced his fingers over them, there was nothing.

Throwing back the covers, Sam swung his legs out of bed and headed out of the spare room as quietly as he could. He didn't even turn on the hall light, he was so used to moving around strange places in the dark.

He took the steps then padded barefoot through the family room and into the kitchen, directly over to the sink. Turning on the tap, he filled a glass, once, twice, three times. Each time gulping down the cool water. the remains of the dream growing more and more distant. Filling the glass once more Sam made his way back to bed, but paused in the living room. His eyes drawn to the mantle and the picture of Gabriel, the same one that lay between the folds of his wallet. He padded over to it, lifting it down, just staring at it.

"Sam?"

He jolted at the sudden interruption and lost his hold on the photo. It slipped from his grasp in the dark and crashed to the ground, the distinctive sound of glass cracking filling the room. "Shit!"

Alfie rushed over to join him as Sam crouched to gather the photo. "Are you okay? Sam? - Dad?" he shook his father's shoulder.

Sam looked up at him, his eyes wide with surprise. "Did you just…?"

Alfie shrugged. "Sorry, it kinda just…"

"No." Sam shot to his feet, the cracked frame in his hands. "It's fine. I… I don't mind."

"Are you…sure?"

Sam nodded. "I'm sure."

The pair stood silently, toe to toe, smiling at each other. Then the moment faded and Alfie reached for the photo frame but Sam pulled it back. "I'll deal with it."

"I can fix it." Alfie said. "Katherine'll never know."

" _No_." Sam stated sharply. "You _can't_ use your powers. It'll attract attention, we don't want that." fear resting heavily in his stomach. After what he'd read he was even more determined to keep Heaven away from his son.

"It's just a little crack." Alfie argued.

"No. - We both know if they're looking for you, they'll feel even the smallest spark. - Alfie you have to promise me, don't use your angel mojo. I can't be here to protect you." Sam pleaded desperately.

Alfie stared at him for a long moment before inclining his head. "I promise."

Sam sighed in relief and headed back into the kitchen. "I'll go to the store tomorrow, get a new piece of glass."

"Want some company?"

Sam met his son's gaze with a warm smile. "Yeah. - I should probably drop by my mom's grave while I'm in town."

"We can do that. I'm sure the flowers need refreshing."

Sam frowned. "Flowers?"

Alfie dropped his gaze; flushing. "I visit….sometimes."

Sam froze; staring at his son. "You do?"

"Do you mind?" Alfie asked uncertainly.

"No, of course not. Why would I? She… - She wasn't your grandmother. I'm just…." his shoulder jolted slightly. "…surprised is all."

Alfie met Sam's confused hazel eyes. "Why? - Because I'm half angel I'm meant to not understand the concept of paying respect to the dead?" he demanded sharply. Insulted slightly by the insinuation.

Sam shook his head furiously. "No, it's just…." he shrugged again. "I guess…well, you didn't know her?"

"Neither did you, yet you want to visit her grave."

Sam flinched at the truth that stabbed deeply, inhaling slowly. "Touché, Sorry, I guess I'm just not used to angels - even half angels. - being…. - Acting like…."

"Human?"

"You have to understand, Cass is really the only angel I've _known_ and he doesn't…."

"What about Dad?" Alfie frowned.

Sam inhaled sharply; his gaze drifting thoughtfully. "I… - I have no idea how he dealt with human stuff." he murmured regretfully. "We didn't spend that much time together. - I…. - I didn't know him as well as I probably should have considering…."

"Considering?"

"We had you." Sam turned his back to his son guiltily.

"He always seemed pretty normal, to me." Alfie said quietly; pulling out the chair at the kitchen table, his throat tightening around the words and he dropped his gaze to the table top; his fingers drawing absent circles over the wood.

Sam turned back to watch him, a heavy weight in his chest. The look on his face, so much like the one he'd seen Dean sporting over the years when their mom came up in conversation.

"I mean he didn't act any different to Katherine, or the people on TV. If it weren't for his being able to conjure things out of thin air and taking me places with the snap of his fingers, I'd have never known he wasn't human." Alfie glanced up with a small smile. "In fact I thought everyone could do that." he laughed a little before the sadness seeped back in. "Of course it wasn't till after he died that I discovered that wasn't normal.

"He ate chocolate all the time but never let me eat the same amount as him. One small bar after dinner was all."

Sam swallowed thickly and moved to take a seat at the table across from Alfie. He snorted at the idea of Gabriel refusing their son sweets, while stuffing his own face with them. However, while it was amusing, it was also heart-warming to know the archangel _had_ been a good father. - For the short time he was able to be.

"He wasn't any good at the telling off…" Alfie continued with a smile; his eyes meeting Sam's.

Sam saw the shine of tears and the need to talk about the angel. He wondered if Alfie spoke about Gabriel with Katherine or was it too difficult for her too. - Or maybe he was sharing his memories with Sam for another reason.

"…could never keep a straight face."

"I can well believe it." Sam murmured with a nod. "My dad was the total opposite. _Too_ strict."

"Dad used to tell me stories about you're my grandparents…"

"Did he? I can only imagine what he said." Sam sighed; his gaze drifting around the room.

"That John was a good hunter, that he loved you and Dean, he just didn't quite know how to show it. He wasn't perfect but then no parent is." Alfie took a shaky breath. "That he tried his hardest, but sadly he couldn't do right for doing wrong. - That he never got over losing the love of his life." he fixed his father with a meaningful stare. "I got the feeling he kind of sympathized with him."

Sam inhaled; choking on the lump in his throat, his hands shaking at his sides and tears burning the back of his eyes.

"Dad said you never listened to him either." Alfie added lightly.

Sam choked on a watery laugh; getting to his feet and marching over to the sink, bracing his weight on the side of the metal basin, he hung his head, breathing heavily though his nose.

"Sam?" Alfie pressed gently. "Dad?"

Sam shook his head. "I… - I'm fine." he gulped for air. He wasn't all that sure why he was so upset, Alfie hadn't said anything he didn't already know, but hearing it from the lips of his own child buried it deep.

"I didn't mean…." Alfie said nervously from behind him.

"You didn't. - You should head back to bed, I'll see you in the morning." Sam turned to send his son a watery reassuring look. "It's fine."

"Okay." Alfie reluctantly nodded; heading for the door. "Night….Dad."

"Night son." his heart pulsing triple time at the farewell.

Sam stood listening as Alfie left him alone in the darkened kitchen; trying to get a grip of himself. That scent of fire and brimstone taunting him once more, turning on the tap Sam splashed the cold water on his face, his breathing heavy. It felt like eternity before he could breathe again, turning slowly, his gaze fell on the forgotten frame and photo. As he passed, his fingers drifted over the image, his heart heavier than it had been in years. He wished Gabriel a goodnight wherever he may be.

 

**~~~There Are No Lies, Only Truths No Yet Told~~~**

 

Sam laid the pink roses at the foot of his parents' headstone, his eyes moving over the names. It wasn't the same as he'd seen it last, now emblazoned on the marble was not only his mom's name but his father's too. Alfie had told him Gabriel had done it when he'd first brought their son there. That John deserved to be immortalized beside the wife he'd loved so much. Sam wasn't sure how he felt if he were honest, the fact that he hadn't even known, because neither he nor Dean had visited their mother's grave in years left the heavy weight of guilt in his chest.

He pressed his hand to the earth where he'd buried his father's dog tags six years ago. "Hey Mom. Hey Dad." he said quietly; closing his eyes and swallowed the lump forming in his throat before getting slowly to his feet; taking a couple of steps back to where Alfie stood silently watching him. He looked at his son, noting the sober features. "What do you say when you come here?" he asked curiously.

Alfie shrugged. "Nothing much." he whispered; his eyes fixed on the stone. "I introduced myself the first time. - Now I just come and sit, I tell them….stuff sometimes."

"Stuff?"

"Things I can't tell Katherine, cause she'll worry. - About my dreams."

"You remember?" Sam frowned intensely; brows tight together with concern. "What happened to you?"

"Not really." Alfie shook his head. "I just… - Sometimes I don't know what's real and what isn't, and it helps to talk about it to someone. - To someone who isn't going to look at him like that." he said looking up at Sam's pinched features.

Sam inhaled sharply; his jaw tightening at the pain in the younger man's eyes and voice. "You know you can talk to me. - I understand."

Alfie smiled. "I know…. - But well, can you honestly say you won't freak out?"

Sam's lips thinned. "Honestly? - No."

Alfie nodded and turned back to the gravestone. "Anyway aren't kids meant to turn to their grandparents when they're in trouble? That's what Katherine says. She used to tell me all the time that her Grandmother was the one she went to with her problems."

Sam watched his son for a long moment before turning back to face his parents. "I never really got to know my grandparents. - At least not….you know, as a kid. I knew my Mom's dad for a while, Samuel but I…" he swallowed hard at the memory of that time, what he'd done while with the Campbell's. "I wasn't myself then."

Alfie didn't say anything, simply standing there watching the ground.

"And I only knew Henry for a couple of days before he was killed." he inhaled slowly. "I guess it's our family curse."

They lapsed into silence, the wind gently moving around them, the whole place eerily quiet yet perfectly serine. Sam closed his eyes for a moment and lifted his head to the sky; taking another deep breath before opening them to stare up at the cloudless blue of the heavens.

They were quiet for a long while before Alfie spoke again, his voice soft and unsteady. "I'm in a large white room."

Sam glanced over at him, brows knitted in confusion.

"In….my dreams, I'm in this big white room. Its like something out of a celebrity home, kinda like Kanye West might have." he huffed softly. "You know, pompous and tacky."

Sam laughed gently; nodding but not saying anything.

"There's no doors, no windows. All I can do is walk around and around." he inhaled slowly through his noses. Even with his hands buried deep in his pockets, Sam could see them fidgeting nervously. "There's this woman…Black. She looks like an extra from Men in Black." he took another breath, shifting his feet against the grass. "All she does is stare at me and call me an abomination." he swallows thickly. "She….she says that I'll be destroyed just like the others as soon as they're finished with me."

Sam turned; grabbing Alfie's shoulders and staring into his eyes. "Did she….what did she do to you?" he demanded.

Alfie dropped his gaze; shaking his head. "She didn't do anything. - But…she handed me over to another woman…" his throat tightened painfully causing him to cough, desperate to clear it, he pulled his hand out of his jean pocket and rubbed at the corner of his eyes, as if remembering.

Sam swallowed; his heart racing. "It's fine. Your find." he squeezed his son's shoulders, before - after a moment of uncertainty. - pulling Alfie into his arms, holding him tight, protecting him from the memories. His thoughts screaming loud in ears.

_Destroy all the souls to dalliance and the offspring of the watchers…._

_And as to the death of the giants, whosesoever their spirits depart from their bodies, let their flesh, that which is perishable, be without judgement. Thus shall they perish, until the day of the great consummation of the great world. A destruction shall take place of the watchers and the impious….._

_Say to them, never therefore shall you obtain peace…._

"Dad?"

Sam startled at the sound of his son's voice, louder than it should be in a silently cemetery, he pulled away from him, holding Alfie at arm's length. "Sorry, what? I…" he shook his head; desperate to dislodge the thoughts whirling around in his head. He didn't want to think of his son's death or what would happen to him afterwards. - Or where he might end up.

"Are you okay? You've gone kinda pale."

"I'm fine." Sam said quickly. "Fine."

He saw the disbelief in Alfie's face but ignored it.

Alfie stared at him for a long moment before turning to face forward again, though he never stopped watching Sam out of the corner of his eyes. "I'd like to think I'd end up there someday." he said suddenly, causing Sam to startle once again.

"What? Where?"

"Heaven." he smiled regretfully. "My own private little corner like the rest of humanity. Dad used to tell me about it sometimes." he looked over at Sam with a sad look in his watery eyes.

Sam's throat worked as he tried to say something. To assure Alfie that of course he'd be going to heaven someday.

"But considering what I am." Alfie sighed; resigned to his fate. "A child of fornication, a Nephilim. An abomination in the eyes of heaven, it's doubtful."

Sam's eyes widened. "You….what?"

Alfie smiles sadly up at his father, taking a step forward to press his palm against the cold stone and whisper a goodbye, then turning and walking away.

Sam hurriedly whispered his own farewell to the slab of marble, a promise to return soon, then he was racing after Alfie, catching up with him quickly. "What do you…? - You know what will happen to you, when…?" he struggled to ask.

Alfie shrugged. "I know I'm not getting a key to heaven. - I've always known that, I just didn't want to believe it, you know. I kinda…hoped. - But…after…."

Sam swallowed, tears burning the backs of his eyes. "And you're okay with that?"

Alfie looked at him like he's an idiot. "No. Of course, I'm not. Who wants to spend eternity in hell for something that wasn't even their fault. Like I asked to be born?" he spat angrily. "Like it's my fault you and dad bumped ugies."

Sam choked and missed a step.

Alfie chuckled; grinning as Sam righted himself. "But what can I do? It's not like I can go to God and beg. And he's not in charge anymore, is he? The kids are running the family business now and well…they don't really like me, or you. - Or Dad for that matter. So…." he shrugged.

Sam grunted understandingly. They didn't even know where God was and even if they did, there was every chance he wouldn't lift the sentence, after all he'd wiped his hands of them all years ago. Knowing that only made Sam feel angrier and even more lost. "I…" he shook his head furiously. "We'll find a way to…."

"To what? Find God? Dad couldn't."

Sam frowned. "Gabriel tried to find god?"

Alfie sighed; reaching for the car door handle and pulling it open. "Of course he tried. He was looking even before… - He doubled his search after, but…." he shook his head regretfully. "I'm a lost cause." Alfie shrugged; claiming into his seat.

Sam stared at the open space where Alfie had been standing a moment ago before pulling open his own door and slipping into the seat, slamming it almost violently behind him. "It's bullshit!"

Alfie huffed. "Yep." he popped; slouching against the window.

"Maybe…." he sighed; dragging his hand though his hair. "Maybe once we close the gates of hell we can…. I don't know." he growled frustratingly. "See about making a deal with Heaven or…."

"There's nothing you can do, Dad." Alfie said quietly beside him. "You know what heaven's like, they're all about the big plan, the rules. God said no Nephilim in heaven, so…no Nephilim in heaven."

"But you were in heaven." he argued.

"Because they _needed_ me. They were using me, for….something." he shrugged. "And I…broke out, granted I did it by accident, but you know…them, they're not going to just open the pearly gates for me after I tricked them." he sighed tiredly.

Sam stared blindly out the windshield; breathing heavily though his nose. Without a word, he started the engine and pulled slowly away from the cemetery, his heart painful in his chest, his head hurting right along with it. The lump in his throat permanently lodged and he feared he'd never be rid of it. He could feel Alfie's eyes flickering across to him every few seconds but he said nothing, did nothing but drive them back to the house.

 

**~~~There Are No Lies, Only Truths No Yet Told~~~**

 

Sam squeezed the trigger and felt a rush of relief go through him as he heard the loud metallic ting of the bullet hitting the can, watching with satisfaction as it few backwards of the fence. The tense rolled off his shoulders as he took another shot, then another, each one hitting its target.

When the clip of empty he lowered the weapon and took a breath, finally feeling the knot he'd had in his stomach since leaving the cemetery loosening. It didn't make him feel any better about Alfie's future but it was enough that he could breathe again.

He turned to see Alfie sat on the hood of the rented car and felt his chest tighten with guilt. He'd been so taken up with letting off steam he'd forgotten that Alfie had been sitting there waiting for him. "Sorry." he murmured apologetically.

"Its fine." he smiled warmly. "I'm fine."

Sam shook his head. "I… I just needed to blow off steam, I should have taken you home first."

Alfie smiled again. " _Really_ , it's fine. I understand. - You're good."

Sam shrugged. "It takes practice." he nodded Alfie over, holding out the weapon to him.

"I'm fine."

"It's not going to bite." Sam murmured. "Besides I think you should learn how to defend yourself, just in case."

"In case?"

"Someone shows up looking for you."

"That won't protect me from angels and demons." Alfie pointed out matter-of-factly.

"I know." Sam sighed. "But they're not the only things out there. - I just want you to be safe when I'm not around."

Alfie stared at him for a long moment before slipping off the hood of the Honda and strolling over to join Sam, his father slipping a fresh clip into the chamber. When he was stood in front of him, Sam handed over the gun then rushed over to repositioning the cans. With that done he walked back to join Alfie, turning him to face the targets.

"Right, take aim at the can. - Take a breath then squeeze the trigger, _don't_ pull it, squeeze it." he instructed; adjusting Alfie's grip.

The first shot went wide and Sam slapped Alfie gently on the shoulder, reassuringly and told him to try again. The second skidded past the can, causing it to wobble dangerously. The third hit dead center. After that, it was like he'd been born with a gun in his hand. Each bullet striking the can with the accuracy of a veteran. Sam was more than impressed, prouder than he'd ever imagined possible and yet at the same time unsurprised, considering his lineage, a hunter and an archangel were pretty impressive pedigrees to spring from.

When he had taken out the whole line of tin cans, Alfie turned; handing the gun back over awkwardly. "What now?"

Sam took the gun with a smile. "Now, we go home."

Alfie's shoulders visibly relaxed. "Great."

"But I'd like to show you some hand to hand tomorrow."

Alfie looked over at him as they made their way back to the car. "Is that really necessary?"

"It'll make me feel better about leaving you here alone."

Alfie inhaled slowly though his nose. "You know I'm an angel, well part angel anyhow, I know how to defend myself."

Sam met Alfie's gaze with a mix of determination and fear. "I… - I know that but…"

"Crowley's already gotten the jump on me twice." Alfie whispered angrily; though whether it was aimed at Sam, himself or Crowley. "I guess I don't know how to defend myself."

Sam took a sharp breath and closed his eyes, that hadn't been what he'd meant, even if some small part of him through it. - Which made him feel guiltier. - He just wanted to keep Alfie save, a need that had increased with the start of the trials. He couldn't say where they were going to lead and he wanted, _needed_ to know Alfie was going to be alright. "That's not what I meant, I just want to…" he shrugged. "I'm sorry, I guess I'm being overprotective." he whispered; starting the engine. "I don't want them or anyone getting their hands on you again."

Alfie looked over at him; his expression softening with understanding, gratitude and love. "I know. I… - I'm sorry. - I'd like to think I'm not the same naive two year old I was when Crowley grabbed me the first time. - But…. Well, Crowley…." he trailed off, glancing out of the window at the passing landscape.

"It's not your fault." Sam tried to reassure.

"Wasn't it? - He shouldn't have been able to grab me without a fight."

Sam looked over at him, the pair falling silent as he drove back to the house, the only sound in the car their breathing.

When Sam pulled up outside the house, he cut the engine and reaching out for Alfie before the younger man could escape, Alfie twisted his head to meet Sam's concerned, regretful gaze, an apology in their green depths.

"It's fine." Alfie whispered. "I… - When do you have to head back?"

Sam shrugged; releasing his son's shoulder. "Thursday morning maybe." he sighed. "I really don't want to have to deal with his questions if I'm gone longer, especially not now." he added; shoving open the car door.

"Now?" Alfie pressed; climbing out after him.

Sam stiffened slightly as he headed up the path towards the porch; looking back at his son. "I'm just not in the mood to deal with his hyper-sensitive suspicious nature at the moment, it's hard enough leaving here…" he met Alfie's blue gaze meaningfully. "…and with Cass being MIA, Dean's been….nosey." it wasn't really a lie, more of a half-truth, highly edited, leaving out the most important parts. He just didn't think Alfie needed that news, not today. - Not any day really. It wasn't like he had to tell him, he wasn't dying on this one, he had too much to live for.

 

**~~~There Are No Lies, Only Truths No Yet Told~~~**

 

Thursday morning Sam watched Alfie disappear from his rear-view mirror with that aching feeling he felt every time he was forced to drive away. He wanted to stay more and more. More than he'd ever wanted to stay with Amelia, or even with Jessica. He'd felt the itch the previous night, to call Dean and tell him he was out, that he wasn't coming back. That he'd made the choice Dean had insisted he made over Amelia month earlier. He'd even carried his phone out into the garden to make the call, but then he'd looked up at the sky and something had whispered in the back of his mind that he needed to see this through to the end, if for no other reason than to save Alfie. Close the gates, save his son from the same fate as the others Nephilim.

Therefore, instead of calling Dean to throw in the towel, he'd called to check he was okay and find out when he'd be back.

As he left the town of his birth, Sam wondered just what he was going to do when they finally had Hell under lock and key. While he loved the bunker and all the knowledge at his fingertips, he couldn't see it as home. This was his home, coming full circle. He wanted to be close to Alfie, he wanted to be able to see him more often, go to football games on a Sunday, meet for lunch, talk. - Give him advice about girls. Be a father.

Of course, it meant telling Dean, but he'd already planned to do that as soon as the whole thing was over. - He could already imagine Dean's reaction to the revelation. It wasn't going to be pretty, not in the slightest. It was going to be loud and very, very loud. - Maybe it would be a good idea to tell him now, while they had something important for him to focus on? That way Dean couldn't kill or disown him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m working on the assumption that Mary is buried in Lawrence, as they never actually told us otherwise. It’s the most logical place to me, considering she was born and raised there, I assume. She most certainly died there. It’s typical that the one time I need the show to tell us where the boys are, they don’t. *Huff*
> 
> Apologizes to any Kanye West fans but seriously the Beautiful/White Room (whatever you want to call it) really does make me think of him.
> 
> Source material: Fallen Angels and the Origins of Evil [Chapter: the Book of Enoch - 10:18, 16:1 & 16:5]


	7. A Father's Sin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode based chapter. Takes part during Remember The Titans. Contains dialogue from that episode, which obviously I do not own and am merely borrowing for the story.

It was meant to be a routine Zombie hunt, a distraction while they waited for Kevin to call them with another trial. - And if he were honest, it was also a welcome distraction from his growing fears surrounding his increasing ill health and Alfie's future. - They were meant to head to small town Montana and put the thing down. Sam could never have imagined that what they'd find was in fact going to be a damn _Titan_. What was worse was just how much he found himself empathizing with the God. He knew just what it was like to suddenly discover you're a father, a child that was suffering because of you. - Whose future might be filled with pain and torment.

"Why are you doing this Sam?" Prometheus asked, looking up from the graveside.

Sam met his gaze briefly before going back to his digging. "We need a bone, so I dig."

"No. I mean for us. - This isn't your problem, you're risking your life."

Sam looked up again. "Why'd you risk yours to steal that fire?" he countered.

"That's a good question." Prometheus sighed, thrusting his shovel deep in the earth. "Good question, wish I could remember."

"Trust me on this, It was worth it. You pretty much saved the whole world."

Prometheus huffed dismissively. "Yeah, I guess, but none of that… - None of that means anything unless I can save my son."

Sam felt his chest tighten, his hands beginning to shake as he watched Prometheus continue to work, a look of desperation on his face. He'd been feeling exactly the same way lately, but he hoped beyond hope that by saving the world, he saved his son too. He hoped that closing the gates of hell meant Alfie wouldn't suffer the eternity of pain and torment he'd been promised.

He went back to helping; his head spinning so wildly that he almost dropped his shovel. He wanted to tell the man he understood, share with him that he was a father too, but he couldn't. He couldn't tell anyone, couldn't trust anyone with that information for fear of….

Prometheus was trying to save his son from Zeus, while _he_ was trying to protect Alfie from heaven and hell. Keeping silent was everything, no matter how much he wanted to share his joy and fatherly pride. - Especially with Dean. - But all he _could_ do, was dig.

 

**~~~There Are No Lies, Only Truths Not Yet Told~~~**

 

They should have known it wasn't going to be simple, they'd met enough ancient Gods to know they didn't give in easily. - If at all. Instantly the memory of Kali flashed though his mind and he shook it off quickly, now wasn't the time to be distracted by the past. He slammed the door closed on those thoughts knowing they lead him to the one person he didn't want to think about.

They also should have known Hayley wasn't going to just walk away with them, that she _wouldn't_ risk calling Zeus' bluff. They should _never_ have brought her, a mother protects her child no matter what.

Sam groaned as his back hit the concrete pillar, sending a blinding pain though his back and head.

"Balls." Dean grunted through gritted teeth.

"I trust you've met my daughter?" Zeus smiled coldly before beckoning Hayley forward.

"Hayley, don't do it!" Dean yelled, struggling against the hold the goddess had on him.

Sam's gaze flickered from Hayley to Prometheus and found himself catching the silent moment, a look passing between the Titan and the Goddess, he frowned for a moment then inhaled deeply when he realized what that look was, what it meant. Regret, Sadness and….love.

Suddenly he was back in a chaotic dining room, a pair of amber eyes meeting his over a shoulder, that same look on a face that was usually filled with such ridiculous mirth, resigned to the fate that awaited him. His heart tightened painfully, stealing his breath as he turned back to watch Zeus, his head reeling from the memory.

"I must admit, I could never have conceived such a horrible fate for such a beautiful child. Just goes to show we must all leave room for a happy accident."

Sam caught Artemis moving out of the corner of his eye and turned to watch her, that look still on her face as she glanced at Prometheus once more, then there was a spark of green as she looked from the Titan to Hayley and her son, jealousy clearly shining bright in her narrowed gaze.

"Tell me, has Prometheus experienced the child's death yet?" Zeus asked with a faux gentleness, Hayley nodding in confirmation.

Sam's head snapped around to stare at the God, his heart leaping into his throat at the cold excitement he heard in the man's voice. It sent a shiver through him, his already crowded mind conjuring up yet more thoughts.

_That on the earth they shell never obtain peace and remission of sin, for they shall not rejoice in their offspring; they shall behold the slaughter of their beloved, shall lament for the destruction of their sons, and shall petition forever, but shall not obtain mercy and peace._

Sam took a breath; his lungs and throat burning with it, he closed his eyes and shook his head again, trying to dislodge the thoughts, he was working, he had to focus on what was in front of him.

"How did he take it? - Did he hurt?" She nodded again and Sam swallowed at the vicious joy that rumbled from the God's mouth. "Good."

In the blink of an eye, Prometheus was on his knees, his face contorted with pain and perhaps even fear.

"Imagine a thousand children all dying in unison. Only then would you understand my pain."

Sam turned to Artemis, her eyes wide and almost glistening in the dim light of the abandoned building.

"But we can't always have what we want, so….one will have to do." Zeus sneered.

" _No_!" Hayley protested before Zeus silenced her with a flick of his hand, forcing her away from her son.

"I have a special job for you, my little friend…."

Sam clenched his jaw, trying to fight the magical hold confining him to the wall, his mind filled with visions of his own son, the torture, blood and death, the memory fresh and painful.

"Artemis."

Sam jaw tightened further; he heard the bone grind and protest furiously as Artemis walked over to them. On command, they were free and walking away from the scene, Sam's heart pounding in his ears as he glanced back at the scared little boy.

The click, click of the Goddess' heals were like a death knell on the concrete as she walked them further and further away, Sam's anger boiling away beneath his flesh. He needed to save Prometheus and his son. He only hoped he was right. "Know who this is Dean, walking us to our deaths?"

"Don't know, don't care." his brother grumbled angrily.

"It's _our_ God, Artemis. The Goddess of hunters."

"Wow, that's fascinating." Dean dismissed.

"See she's who we'd pray to for courage when hunting the Gorgon, or the Minotaur. Of course she's not really worship-worthy anymore, having lost a step and all." Sam scoffed, looking back at her mockingly.

He grunted as he hit the wall face first, smirking to himself. _So far, so good._

"The hell I have."

"Really, Sam? You're trash talking a God? Seriously?" Dean grunted beside him; his face pressed to the cold concrete.

"Still full of power, really? So why'd it take you seven years to track down Prometheus?"

"He was hiding."

"Hiding? From you? So the God of Hunters couldn't find a shack in Montana? - Or maybe it's that you didn't want to find him." Sam gritted his teeth as pain radiated though his body.

"Ahh, good Sammy, doing great."

"Your Dad's going to kill that kid you know?"

"Don't worry, he'll come back. - I like you." Artemis whispered, pressing her blade to his cheek.

"He's in love with you, you know. He told us." Sam said quietly, as if sharing some great secret.

"You lie."

"Okay, sure, yeah. Believe whatever you want." he held his breath, he needed her to believe him, he had to convince her. As if on cue, Prometheus' agonized screams rang though the building, ricochets off the walls. Sam swallowed, straining to look at the Goddess.

"What did he say to you?" She demanded and Sam fought not to grin from ear to ear.

"This wasn't the first time he escaped the mountain. - That you let him go free as long as you could hide your tryst from the old man."

"The hell he said that, his brain is mush." Artemis huffed disbelievingly.

"Oh yeah, then how'd I know? What, have you spilled it to anyone? Homer? Hesiod? Herodotus? - Huh, of course not, you were afraid Big Daddy would find out that you fell for the person he hates most in this world." Sam's heart skipped; his words hitting a nerve he wasn't even aware of. "Of course, when you saw the zombie article, it kinda forced your hand. You had to come hunt him down, no matter how much it hurt. You know what? Go ahead, kill us and let your father slaughter that boy, over and over again, that won't leave a mark." he held his breath, his eyes closed as he waited for the Goddess' reaction.

A moment later the hold slackened and he turned to face Artemis, their eyes meeting, like she was trying to judge if he'd been telling the truth; he didn't realize he was such a good liar until she turned and rushed back the way they'd come. Dean shot him a look before racing after her, Sam releasing the breath he'd been holding as he quickly followed.

They entered the room behind Artemis just in time to see Zeus gearing up to kill Oliver.

"This has to stop, father!" Artemis interrupted; drawing back on her bow.

Sam pushed Dean to the side, getting out of the way of the inevitable fire-fight; holding his breath as the gods faced off, his heart thundering painfully with hope and fear.

"He's the reason we're here and _not_ ruling the world. He's the reason they have forgotten all about us!"

"Let. Them. Go." Artemis commanded. " _All_ of them."

"I am your father and you _will_ obey me!"

"You were once my father, now you're someone else." letting the arrow fly.

Sam gasped as Artemis' arrow imbedded itself in Prometheus; his eyes wide as he watched the Titan slowly succumbing to death, finally. His heart tightened as he saw Prometheus look to his son, his fingers wrapping around the shaft of the arrow, forcing it deeper into his chest and through to impale the God holding him as a shield. Zeus' eyes wide with surprise as his heart was pieced through.

Sam covered his eyes as bright blue lightening lit the building. When he looked back both Prometheus and Zeus were lying dead together, crumbled on the floor.

 

**~~~There Are No Lies, Only Truths No Yet Told~~~**

 

" _Dad?"_ Alfie grumbled sleepily down the line. " _What's wrong?"_

Sam inhaled slowly; rubbing at his eyes as he stared at the distant glow of the pyre. "Nothing." he sighed. "I just…needed you to know…I - I love you." he heard the rustle of sheets.

" _What?"_

"I love you. - And I'm proud of you, getting through everything that's happened. - And… I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me."

" _Dad, are you okay? You sound…"_

"I'm fine. - I… just a tough case and I wanted you to know in case anything happens to me."

" _What's going on, Dad?"_ Alfie demanded firmly. _"What's going to happen to you?"_

Sam took another deep breath, he'd been trying to deny it for weeks but deep down he knew he wasn't going to be walking away from the trials in one piece. "You know the life I lead, something _might_ happen and I don't want…." he choked on the words, wiping at his stinging eyes. He'd never in a million years imagined he'd be in this position, having to say everything he felt just in case, but he knew from experience that every phone call might be his last, that every hunt might be the one that finally takes his life. - He'd missed telling Jessica he loved her. He'd missed telling Gabriel….He didn't even know what he sure have said to Gabriel, but he wasn't going to not tell his son. He needed Alfie to know that much at least.

" _You'd tell me if something was wrong, wouldn't you?"_ Alfie asked cautiously.

"Of course." Sam lied; hating himself as the words rolled off his tongue, but he had to lie, he couldn't drag Alfie into this. He'd already caused him enough pain. "I have to go, you go back to sleep, I'm sorry for waking you."

" _Its fine, I don't mind. If you need to tal…"_

"Go back to bed, night son."

" _Night…Dad."_

Sam moved the phone away from his ear only to put it back when he heard Alfie calling him. "What?"

" _Just so you know, I love you too."_

Sam's heart swelled in his chest and a tear slipped down his cheek. "Night." he croaked.

" _Night."_

Sam hung up reluctantly; sliding his phone back into his pocket and forcing the tears back behind his eyes, rubbing at his face, his palm coming away wet. He took a moment just watching the firelight before slowly turning to look at Oliver, silent and small as he perched in the open boot of Hayley's car. Awkwardly he walked over to join the small boy, lowering himself down to sit silently beside him, unsure what to say or do.

He was a father yes, but he hadn't _been_ a father. He'd pretty much been handed the prize without all the hard work that went into it, which didn't make him feel good at all. He would have wanted to be there, see Alfie grow up, see his first steps, hear his first word. Sure, he'd seen them on DVD, thanks to Katherine, but it wasn't the same as experiencing it first hand.

"You know what?" he started nervously. "How's about we go get some ice cream sundaes?"

"No. I'd like to stay." Oliver replied flatly; looking over to the fire, then down at his feet.

Sam stared at him for a long moment, unsure once again what he was meant to do. Finally, he simply turned to watch the light through the tree, his thoughts drifting.

 

**~~~There Are No Lies, Only Truths No Yet Told~~~**

 

"Well, un, here's to that crazy little wild card called love." Dean said; handing Sam the foil covered burger.

Sam looked from his brother to the food; they'd left Hayley and Oliver over an hour ago and Dean was back to normal, while all _he'd_ been able to think about was that little boy never knowing his father. Always carrying the nightmarish memories of the night's events, knowing his father had sacrificed himself to save him. - And every time he thought of that, he thought of Alfie.

"How'd you know that Artemis had the hots for Prometheus, anyway?"

"Intuition." Sam replied. "Huh…luck."

"Yeah, well, whatever it was, it worked. Pretty much. As least the kid's alright."

Sam stared at the passing highway, since his conversation with Alfie he hadn't been able to stop thinking about who was going to look out for him if he didn't survive the trials. While he feared his brother's reaction and who else might find out, Alfie's safety was his paramount concern. "You know…" he started; turning to look at Dean. "I'm starting to think maybe I was being naïve."

"What you talkin' about?"

"When I said I could will myself into coming out of these trials unscathed."

"No, no, no. Stop the sullen emo crap, alright? That's…. you're not gonna die like Prometheus." he insisted angrily.

"How do you know, Dean? - Bobby, Rufus, now Prometheus, you think any of them chose death? No, the life chooses for them."

"Yeah, well, you _promised_ okay. You promised to live a long Clark Griswold life full of prostate exams and colonoscopies."

Sam sighed; they'd been through this before, Dean knew better than anyone you couldn't always keep your promises.

"Alright? You're _not_ welshing on that deal, not on my watch. If you die, it's going to be because of something normal."

Sam stared at his brother, the stubbornness in the set of his jaw, Dean was going to get him through these trials, even if it killed them. "Like a heart attack?"

"Exactly. - Yeah eat your burger."

Sam looked down at the silver foil, the weight on his shoulders no lighter than it had been a few minutes ago, but the doubts a little less overpowering with Dean's determination. If Dean thought he could do this, then he could do it. He wasn't going to let either Dean or Alfie down again.

 

**~~~There Are No Lies, Only Truths No Yet Told~~~**

 

"Did you know about the angel tablet?" Sam demanded angrily; his back pressed against the wall, his gaze flickering to the corner of the gas station fearing Dean might interrupt his call. Alfie was silent on the end of the line, too silence. "Alfie?"

" _Angel tablet?"_

"Yes. Did you know?" Sam frowned; his hand curled tightly, hating the harshness of his voice.

"N….I… I don't…"

Sam winced at the pained heavy breathing coming through the line and kicking himself. He could only imagine Alfie was having a flashback; either to his time in heaven or his time with Crowley.

When he'd seen Meg, beaten and bloody on the floor of that motel bathroom the first thing that had entered his mind was Alfie, the whole nightmare that had left a deep festering scar in his heart. "It's fine." Sam more gently, taking a deep slow breath to calm down. He was angry at Alfie, no, his fury was aimed at another angel, the one he'd considered a friend but now…wasn't even sure he knew anymore.

" _Do - Do you have it?"_ Alfie stammered.

Sam rubbed at his eyes. "Cass has it. - But he'd MIA again."

Alfie inhaled slowly, just breathing.

Neither spoke for a couple of minutes, Sam listening to his son's shaky breaths, his mind replaying the events of the day. He hadn't been sure, how he was going to react upon seeing Cass again, part of him had hoped he never would and that was a terrible desire after so many years of friendship, but Sam couldn't shake the anger he had towards the angel. It didn't matter that Cass was being manipulated or controlled, or that Cass hadn't known 'Samandriel' was his and Gabriel's son, he'd killed him and that was all Sam could see when he looked at the angel. The only thing that had stopped him from killing the angel where he'd stood was Dean, and knowing they didn't answers.

Finding out that despite suspecting something was wrong with Cass, Dean had prayed to him had left Sam with an odd sense of betrayal, but then Dean didn't know about Alfie any more than Cass had, so…

"Do you know….an angel named Naomi?"

There was another sharply drawn in breath that made something in Sam's chest tighten.

" _Naomi?"_ Alfie whispered before falling silent.

"Alfie? - Alfie!"

" _She…."_ he trailed off breathlessly. _"Stay away from her. Dad you_ _have_ _to stay away from her, she's…. - She's_ _dangerous_ _."_

Sam's brows drew tighter together, pushing himself off the wall. "Alfie, what did she…?"

" _Just trust me, whatever she's up to…. -_ _Stay away_ _."_ he pleaded desperately.

"Okay, okay." he listened to his son practically gasping for breath down the line and winced at the knowledge that he'd brought back…something. Something painful. "I'll try and drop by to see you."

Alfie didn't reply, the sound of his breathing erratic and heart-breaking.

"Alfie, just breath, its fine. She doesn't know you're…." he trailed off as he heard the sound of footsteps approaching. "I have to go, I come see you soon."

" _Y-yeah."_

Reluctantly and with a heavy heart Sam hung up just as Dean turned the corner of the building, frowning at him suspiciously. Sam met his brother's gaze and inhaled slowly, Dean's words from only an hour ago haunting him. _"I can't take anymore lies."_ He'd almost told Dean everything right there, but he couldn't and now he didn't have the excuse that it was because of Cass. - If Cass really was free of heaven's control. - Now, he had to face the fact that he was scared of what Dean would say and do. Scared of that look of disgust and disappointment. Just like when he'd found out about his relationship with Ruby. Except it would be a thousand times worst. "We all gassed up?"

Dean stared at him silently for a moment before nodding. "I just need to…" he gestured to the restroom.

"Right, I'll meet you back in the car." Sam sighed; slipping past Dean and walking quickly away.

Back at the car he closed his eyes and let his head rest back against the seat, instantly he saw Meg, falling at Crowley's feet. He hadn't gotten any answers from her, all those questions that had been rolling around in his head for weeks now. Weeks of researching what he could about Nephilim and the fallen angels, Azazel's name coming up over and again, leading him to question much of what he thought he knew about the demon. It had made him wonder about Meg. Azazel had said that she was his daughter, though at the time, he'd brushed it off as metaphorical, but now he had to wonder.

And if Meg was his real daughter, was she conceived when he was an angel or a demon? Was she a Nephilim like Alfie, banished to hell for the sins of her father? He hadn't expected to see her again and then when she was stood in front of him, he hadn't gotten the chance to ask. - Now, he never would. He'd never know if Alfie would end up like her, a demon with the soul of an angel.

Sam startled when the Impala door opened suddenly. He turned to watch his brother slide into the driver's seat and start the engine, but before Dean pulled away from the gas station, he met Sam's eyes with concern and increased suspicion, silently waiting for Sam to break and spill every thought in his head.

"Can you drop me off at the next town?" Sam said instead.

"Why?"

Sam didn't flinch. "A friend called, wants to see me."

"A friend?" Dean pressed; his brow raised inquisitively.

"Yes, a friend. I'm allowed friends." he replied harshly.

Dean inhaled slowly through his nose. "I…. - I thought we'd been through this? I thought you'd made your choice?"

"I have." Sam insisted. "It's not Amelia."

"Who then?"

Sam clenched his jaw and turned back to stare out the window, not bothering to reply. It was none of Dean's business who he saw, who he spent time with.

"Sam? - I'm not just letting you go off when you're…."

"What?" Sam snapped; turning sharply to meet Dean's gaze furiously. "Broken? Damaged? - Beyond help?" he took a breath through his nose. "Look, I might not… - Whether you like it or not, this isn't looking like its going the way either of us wanted it to, so yeah, I want to go see some people, tie up some loose ends."

Dean stared at him, his jaw tight, the muscle ticking away like a clock counting down the seconds. Sam knew Dean didn't want to face the facts, hell _he_ didn't want to face the fact if he were honest, he'd lied to himself when he'd started the trials and he'd hoped to continue to lie to himself to the very end, but after what Cass had said, he knew he couldn't anymore.

He waited silently for Dean to argue, but his brother simply twisted in his seat and pulled away from the pumps and out onto the empty highway. Not saying a word to him as he carried them towards the nearest town, where Dean dropped him off and left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was one of three episodes that really inspired this whole Samandriel plot line. From the moment I first saw it, it felt like the writers were trying to hint at something. It’s the first in three episodes involving parents/children that seem to have Sam slap-bang at the center of them. In this episode particularly, I couldn’t help but see the similarities between what Zeus is doing and what (in this universe at least) God has done. He’s going to punish Samandriel ultimately for what his father, Gabriel did. Breaking one of his rules by falling in love and having a child with a human. And what make it so wonderful for me personally is that I didn’t have to change a single thing, the dialogue and scenes could so easily have meant something you weren’t seeing. What is said and done, Prometheus’ sacrifice almost mirrors Gabriel sacrifice. How Sam is the one that’s left behind with Oliver. It was like the writer wanted this story to exist.
> 
> I’m still not sure how I feel about Alfie calling Sam dad. Is it too soon? Part of me thinks it is, but another part feel that considering what their lives are like and that Alfie has always know Sam was his father even if he hadn’t actually met him, it’s pretty logical that he’d call Sam dad. - I kinda imagine Gabriel saying something like ‘Your Daddy Sam and Uncle Dean are off fighting monsters.’ Or ‘once upon a time, Daddy Sam…’ and so on.
> 
> As I said in previous chapters, reading about the fallen angels, specifically Azazel has left me with a theory about Meg and her origins, especially as it was never really covered on the show. We know the Ruby was a witch but nothing about Meg, and I can’t help but wonder if that little bit of fallen angel in her is the reason, she was drawn to Cass. (Obviously other than the fact that he’s Cass.) that maybe his grace called out to that tiny little spark of her Nephilim grace. (assuming that Nephilim have grace.)
> 
> Source material: Fallen Angels and the Origins of Evil [Chapter: the Book of Enoch - 12:7]
> 
> Again thank you all so much for your continued support of this series and I love the review, hearing from you is so fulfilling, it lets me know I’m on the right track with this. As always, questions are welcome. And if you feel there is something I should tag, please let me know. I’d hate to upset anyone.
> 
> Oh and one last thing, did anyone else feel a little creeped out by Oliver, Prometheus’ kid? Cause he creeped the hell out of me, especially at the end.


	8. In Purgatory's Shadow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam talks to Alfie about his nightmares and saves an old friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While this chapter picks up where the previous one ended, I regretfully skipped over Freaks and Geeks. I had originally planned on working with that episode as it was the second in that father/children story arch I noticed during season 8, but when it came to actually writing something I just couldn‘t find anything to write. Other than the scene where Victor asks Sam whether he has children and then Sam stares at the photo of Victor’s family all thoughtful, I couldn’t really see anything to work with. Therefore, I regretfully passed it over and moved on to Taxi Driver.
> 
> This chapter contains quite a bit of episode dialogue, sorry, but I needed to tie in my story to the episode. I hope you don’t mind it too much. Obviously none of that dialogue belongs to me, it’s solely the property of the CW© and the Supernatural team, I am merely borrowing it.

Sam stared down at his phone, his fingers pressing against the power button. He knew Dean's suspicious nature meant there was a chance he'd low-jack the thing and Sam wasn't in the mood to deal with the shit-storm that would come from Dean discovering that Samandriel was still alive, let alone that the kid was his nephew, he just wanted to take a couple of days to himself, to recover from everything that had happened with Cass and to talk to Alfie. It had been clear in his son's voice that he'd begun to remember.

Sam slipped his cell back into his pocket and rubbed at his eyes, a headache beginning to pound at his temples. Cass' words were ringing in his ears again. "… _Even I can't fix you."_ He sighed; letting his head fall back against the rest, his eyes closed as the bus rumbled down the highway, the sound of the wheels against asphalt luring him towards sleep. He hoped that Alfie wouldn't see what Cass did.

 

**~~~There Are No Lies, Only Truths Not Yet Told~~~**

 

"Da…Sam?"

"Hey." he greeted, getting to his feet and snatching his bag off the floor. His eyes flickering to the young woman walking at Alfie's side, sending her a warm smile.

"What are you doing here?" Alfie asked curiously.

"Had some time off, thought I'd come visit." Sam replied with a shrug, looking at the girl again. "Sam Winchester. - Alfie's…cousin." he introduced, holding his hand out to the girl.

She smiled brightly at him. "Amber Preston. - I'll see you tomorrow, okay." she added quickly, turning the warm smile on Alfie. "Night."

"Night, Amber." Alfie murmured; his face flushed as his gaze followed her.

"She seems nice." Sam smirked.

"She's just a friend." Alfie snapped, shifting his book bag on his shoulder and marching off past his father.

"I didn't say anything." Sam laughed, rushing to follow.

"You don't have to, it's written all over your face." he grunted, glaring sidelong at his father.

"So…school's going okay?" Sam asked in a smooth change of subject, not wanting to embarrass his son any further. He'd been on the receiving end more than enough with Dean. He'd just been surprised and happy that Alfie was getting his life back.

"Yeah." Alfie nodded; fussing with his bag as they approached the student car park, drawing to a halt next to a beaten-up Honda. He quickly unlocked the car and tossed his bag in the backseat before glancing over the roof at Sam. "Are you staying?"

Sam's eyes scanned the car, nodding. "If Katherine'll have me." he murmured, pulling open the door.

Alfie rolled his eyes, climbing behind the wheel and starting the engine as his father took the seat beside him. "You know she will." he huffed dismissively.

He pulled out of the parking space before shooting Sam a concerned look. "You okay? You look…like shit."

"Gee thanks." Sam scoffed, slouched in the seat. "I'm fine, just tired and over worked." he sighed, rubbing at his eye sockets. "The last couple of days have been pretty intense, with Cass and Meg."

Alfie sighed. "Right? Still no word from Cass?"

Sam shook his head. "MIA. - Dean's….well, you know, _Dean_. Pretending he's okay with it."

Alfie nodded understandingly. "Who's Meg?"

Sam looked over at him surprised, though why he expected him to know who the demon was, he couldn't fathom, it wasn't like Alfie had been embroiled in their lives. "An fr….acquaintance. - She was killed last night. - By Crowley." he murmured, caught off guard by the feeling of regret and sadness. It wasn't as if he even liked Meg, though there conversations had….allowed him to see her in a new light. He wished he'd had a chance to confirm his suspicions about her.

"Wait, Meg? Like the demon?" Alfie asked, his head twisting to fix Sam with a confused look.

Sam smiled humourlessly. "Yeah. - How'd you…?"

"Dad used to read me the books."

Sam groaned at the mention of those damn things. "How are you?" he asked quick to change the subject again, suddenly uncomfortable with the idea of his son having read those things. After all, _he'd_ read them and well….there were things in them he _did not_ need his son to know.

Alfie glanced over at him briefly. "Fine."

"The nightmares?" he asked quietly.

The car jerked slightly as Alfie lost concentration for a split second. His breathing grew heavy as he righted the car and kept his eyes fixed on the road ahead of him. Sam didn't push any further, turning back to watch the street.

When they arrived at the house, Alfie lead the way inside, going straight to the kitchen, while Sam closed the door and hovered. Despite what Katherine had said about always being welcome and making himself at home, he felt like an intruder. Dropping his bag next to the stairs he headed into the kitchen after Alfie, who was stood at the counter nursing a beer.

"You want one?"

Sam shook his head, his stomach beginning to churn at the mere thought of alcohol. "I'll have a glass of water."

Alfie reached into the fridge and pulled out a bottle, tossing it over; unsurprised that Sam caught it seamlessly in mid-flight.

"Thanks."

They stood in an awkward silence for a few long moments, drinking and breathing, the tension building like a volcano waiting to erupt. Sam wasn't sure what would be the result when it did.

"It's all just blood." Alfie said finally; his voice tight and hollow. "Like its in my eyes, blinding me. - but I…I can hear his voice."

"Whose?"

"Crowley." Alfie sighed; shoulders slumping forward, his head hanging as he stared down at his beer. "Taunting me. Laughing at him. - Telling me that I wasn't an angel, that I'm an abominations and all the other angels abhor me and it's all because of you."

Sam watched his son closely, inhaling sharply when he caught the glistening sheen of tears on the younger man's lashes.

"He….he told me I… - He said I wasn't really an angel, that I was a Nephilim, that….you were my father." Alfie looked up through his lashes. "I didn't believe him, not at first. I thought he was just…. I thought he was lying. Demons lie, right? - But he wasn't." he took a shaky breath, closing his eyes and blindly setting the bottle aside. "He started….doing things, messing with my head."

Sam nodded. "I…know." he whispered regretfully, his voice thick with tears.

"That's what the dreams are about. Him and that….son of a bitch doctor, sticking things in my brain, opening doors I didn't even know were there." he swallowed convulsively. "Then I wake up."

Sam sat his bottle on the counter at his elbow. "I'm sorry. - If I'd known I…"

"I know." Alfie whispered. "Stop apologizing. _Please_." he cleared his throat and swept at his eyes. "There was nothing you could have done."

"If I'd know we would have gotten to you sooner." Sam argued. "If I'd known Crowley wouldn't have taken you in the first place." he snapped furiously.

"Of course he would. - We can't change any of it." Alfie whispered nonchalantly. "It's done. I'm alive; heaven has no idea where I am. - For now. - I just want to get on with my life and put the whole thing behind me." he insisted strongly, his head high and determined.

Sam dropped his gaze to stare at his feet, breathing through his nose, tears burning his eyes. "But it'll never be behind you, not while I'm in your life." he pinched his nose. "I should leave. Stay away."

" _No_!" Alfie snapped almost angrily. "I don't want you to leave. - You've just come into my life!" he stated loudly. "They've already taken one parent from me; I _refuse_ to allow them to take another!"

Sam's heart shattered, his chest imploding at his son's words. He opened and closed his mouth, unsure what to say, how to argue. He didn't want to leave; he didn't want to lose Alfie, but…eventually someone was going to find out. Someone was going to….

And he wasn't going to be there to protect him, because he'd started these damn trials and it was going to kill him. He couldn't lie to himself about that, not here, not now. But if he didn't finish them, Hell would never be closed and Alfie would end up in the pit, punished for something that wasn't his doing. He was stuck between a rock and a hard place, with no air.

"Please, Dad. - _Please_." Alfie pleaded; staring up at him with sorrowful, puppy-dog eyes and suddenly Sam understood why Dean hated that look.

Taking a breath, Sam nodded. "Okay. - Okay."

Alfie relaxed, his eyes closed as he exhaled the breath he'd been holding. "Thank you."

Without really thinking about it, Sam pulled Alfie into a tight embrace, holding on for dear life. "I….I can't promise…" he swallowed hard. "…that nothings going to take me away." he whispered brokenly. "But…I won't go without a hell of a fight." he promised.

 

**~~~There Are No Lies, Only Truths Not Yet Told~~~**

 

Sam knew he was distracted, and he knew it was going to get him or Dean killed if he didn't get his head on straight but he can't help it, Alfie had a Sword of Damocles hanging over his head and there was nothing Sam could do about it. The few days with his son hadn't made him feel any better about what lay ahead.

When Meg first mentioned the angel tablet, Sam had felt a brief spark of hope, foolish as it was, that maybe the ancient stone would hold something to save his son, but then Cass had vanished with it and now his only hope was shutting hell, closing the gate so no one, especially Alfie, could spend eternity suffering. He didn't allow himself to think where Alfie might wind up instead, not until he was stood surrounded by bare dead trees and eerie silence.

He didn't know how he'd pictured purgatory, Dean's descriptions, what few there were, hadn't done it justice. The place left Sam feeling empty and scared, a fear that buried itself deep into his very core. He could feel it humming beneath his skin, screaming to escape the vast unending cold.

As he walked cautiously though the dead woodland, he couldn't keep that small taunting voice whispering in the back of his mind telling him that this was Alfie's fate, and it was all his fault, because he'd known and he'd carried on. He'd let it happen. He'd lied to himself, told himself that he was imagining it, that it couldn't be real, but deep down he'd always know really, hadn't he? And now his son would pay for those lies. His lies. Gabriel's lies.

He frowned at he caught sight of the trees, three dead white trees tangled around one another and stretching up into the dull cloudless, colourless sky. His gaze flickering to the landscape beyond and the large rock face, just where Ajay had said it would be. Taking a deep breath, he squared his shoulders and headed directly for it. He hadn't expected to have to shove a large rock out of the way, but then it made sense right? They weren't just going to leave the backdoor open for everyone to just wonder through.

As the large stone rolled off to his left, Sam took a deep breath and almost gagged at the overpowering scent of sulphur, it burnt at his eyes. He swallowed hard as he stared into the darkness beyond the entrance. He could already hear the screams of the damned, could already envision the horrors he was going to see once he stepped over the threshold.

His fingers tightened around the hilt of the demon knife and he took another breath, fighting away the choking sulphur and the memories it conjured up.

His memories of hell were fractured; like a shattered mirror. He saw distorted images but mostly it all came down to feelings, sounds and smells. All of which made him want to puke as he moved further down the dank corridors of hell.

It wasn't the hell he'd experienced. No, he'd had private quarters, well private in terms of not being in general population with the rest of the damned. It had just been him, Michael and Lucifer. Together. Alone. He shivered at the memory of that time bombarded him once more, raising the bail in his throat.

He glanced around hoping to distract himself from the path his mind was trying to lead him down. The taunting laughter of Lucifer in his ear as he ripped him apart physically and emotionally.

"I'm innocent. Help me." a woman hanging from a wall to his left said as he passed.

"Eddie? Eddie. Eddie! Eddie!" A man called to his right.

Sam picked up his pace a little only to draw to a halt in front of a cell door, a young woman looking through at him, her eyes wide and her skin pale. "You came. I knew you would. I've been praying for forever."

Sam's heart clenched tight in his chest, tears burning the backs of his eyes and his throat. "I'm not…. I'm sorry."

"You came. I knew you would. I've been praying for forever." she repeated; as if she were a record trapped on permanent repeat.

Sam moved quickly away. He had to find Bobby. Find Bobby and get the hell out of there before he….

He yanked open a door and stared at a familiar back. "Bobby?"

Bobby didn't answer straight away; he didn't even turn to look at him for a long few minutes and when he finally did, Sam found himself on the receiving end of a left hook.

"Get the hell out of here, you black-eyed son of a bitch!"

"What? Bobby, it's Sam." he insisted; rubbing at his jaw.

"Yeah, and I'm Elvis. - Move your ass!" the old man threatened furiously.

"Bobby."

"Get!"

"It's me! Okay, damn it. - If it's not Sam, then how do I know about you and Tori Spelling?" he asked quickly; hoping to fend of another attack.

"What?"

"You're a fan. Yeah. - Or uh, okay, what about your free pedicure at the Mall of America? You made Dean swear to never tell another living soul how it changed your life."

There was a long silence as Bobby just stared at him, taking in everything Sam had said and weighting it up, deciding whether or not to trust his own eyes.

"Sam?" the old man murmured before throwing himself at him; wrapping his arms around Sam like he was a piece of wood in an ocean. "I'm sorry, Sam, but you're the 200th Sam I've seen today. That's how they screw with me. Just endless Sam's and Dean's, all wearing the same black eyes. Wait a minute…" the man frowned with sudden concern and fear. "What the hell are you doing here? Please don't tell me it's what I think it is?"

"No, no, no, Bobby, I'm good. I - I'm here to get you. You don't belong here Bobby. And we're getting you out."

The old man looked surprised and relieved all at the same time. He nodded and Sam smiled, turning to leave, cautiously keeping his eyes peeled for demons as he lead Bobby back the way he'd come, ignoring the cries and pleas of those around them.

" _Sam! - Sammy!"_

He turned to look at Bobby, but the man was staring regretfully at the woman chained to the wall.

" _Sammy-kins!"_

A chill went through Sam at the sound, a familiar whisper in the back of his mind. He closed his eyes and tried to force it away, but it was too loud. Pulling back memories, he'd buried away years ago. He swallowed hard as he felt the skin beneath his jacket begin to blaze, branding lines over flesh.

" _Sam, you're okay. I'm here. I'll get you out."_

His heart lodged in his throat as the voice changed, gentled. Became light and loving, filling him with hope he knew was false.

He felt the gently brush of lips against his throat, his jaw, hands moving over his hips. A heavy weight pressing into him, forcing him to take a step back. That ice-cold chill filled him again and the bail rose even further in his throat as he tried to force the memory away. It wasn't Gabriel, it was Lucifer.

" _I know you want me Sammy. - I know you want this…"_

"Sam!" Bobby jerked on his shoulder, forcing Sam to open his eyes. "You alright boy?"

Sam swallowed convulsively; his eyes red and swore as he scanned his surroundings, the calls from the damned seeming louder than before. He finally met Bobby's concerned eyes and nodded; turning swiftly towards the opening. He needed to get away before he lost himself again.

The second he was out, back in Purgatory he inhaled deeply; gasping for fresh-air despite there being none. A tear rolled down his cheek as he bent double, bracing himself on his knees, breathing heavily. He jumped slightly at the feel of a large hand on his shoulder, looking up to stare wide and panicked at Bobby.

"You okay son?"

Sam opened his mouth to reassure his old friend but instead found himself gasping for more breath, so instead nodded. Bobby didn't believe him, obviously. It was written there on his face. Sam filled his lungs and straightened, he knew he'd have to say something, give an explanation, in part at least. Closing his eyes only to open then instantly, fearing a replay of his memories, he met Bobby's concerned, knowing gaze. "Bad memories."

Bobby nodded understandingly; squeezing his shoulder, not pressing for more than Sam was willing to give.

"We need to get going." Sam insisted; rolling his shoulders.

"Lead the way." Bobby nodded.

Sam started to walk away quickly, fixing his gaze ahead of him, listening to Bobby's footsteps close behind him. They made their way through the trees in silence for almost fifteen minutes before Bobby spoke.

"So, why exactly are you here?"

"Because you don't deserve to be in hell."

"I know that, but…how did ya ev'n know I was there?"

"A reaper told us?" Sam replied matter-of-factly; turning through two trees. "The reaper that brought you to hell."

"Why would he do that?" Bobby pressed; concern and confusion lacing his voice.

"It came up in conversation…"

"Conversation? What, you boys drink buddies with reapers now?" Bobby scoffed.

Sam looked over his shoulder at the man. "No." he drew to a halt; meeting Bobby's gaze. "We were looking for a way into hell. - We're trying to close the gates, Bobby, hell's gates. Lock it down for good."

Bobby stared at him in surprise. "What? How?"

"It's a long story."

"We've got time." Bobby insisted.

Sam inhaled slowly, nodding. "Okay… but we need to walk and talk, we're meeting the reaper, he's going to get us out of here."

Sam led his old friend through the dead woodland, filling Bobby in as they walked. Talking helped not only pass the time but also distract him from his thoughts and fears.

"So how many more of these trials after this?" Bobby asked after hours of walking.

"Just one. I don't know what it is, though. Not yet. Kevin's still translating." Sam glanced down at his watch; frowning.

"Well, you saw back there in hell, I ain't got a lot of rust. Just feels so good to be back in action again. Might be handy you having me around to help."

Sam slowed his pace; drawing to a halt to face his old friend. "Bobby, I'd love that, believe me. The thing is…for this trail to be complete, your soul has to enter heaven. - And besides, if that weren't the case, we burned your bones, Bobby. There's nothing to tie your spirit to Earth." an ache went through Sam's chest at the disappointment and sadness in the old man's eyes.

"Yeah, yeah, well… - You know, I always figured that'd be the end of it. You know, just a hunter's funeral, then zip, nothing, and I was okay with that. Imagine my surprise." he laughed humourlessly.

Sam huffed. "Well I guess if there has to be an eternity, I'd pick heaven over hell."

"Yeah, 'cause there's nothing screwy going on up there." the old man scoffed; continuing on the path they'd been walking.

"I wish I made the rules." Sam murmured following at him; his gaze flickering through the trees.

"Yeah, well…I'll, uh, do my part, get to the end of this, but I ain't exactly the retiring type so if you idjits figure out a way to spring me…"

Sam had stopped listening, his heart racing in his ears as he looked around. He was sure he was right; this was it, the place he'd started. Only there was no sign of Ajay. "Yeah." he murmured absently before turning to find Bobby staring at him expectantly. "No, of course. That's…uh…yeah." he glanced around again, that tight knot of fear settling in the pit of his stomach.

"Well, then lets get topside. - What's going on Sam?"

"This is it. This is the place, I'm sure of it."

"Where your cabbie's supposed to meet you?" Bobby frowned; looking around at the deserted forest.

"Yeah. At exactly…" he glanced at his watch, hoping foolishly that he'd read it wrong the first time. He hadn't. "Now."

"So he's running a little late." Bobby dismissed casually.

"No, see that's the thing. He was very specific, Bobby. Like to the minute." Sam insisted; panic lacing his voice.

"And if he doesn't show?"

"We got no way out."

Sam paced slightly; handing Bobby the demon knife. He should have known this was going to happen. Should have had a back-up plan. He hadn't even told Alfie where he was going to be or what he was doing. He shook his head furiously. How could he have done that? After what Alfie had said only a week ago. - Part of him knew that Dean was out there trying to find a way to get him back, but there was another small voice whispering that it had taken Dean a year to get free of purgatory.

"Dean spent a year in this place?" Bobby asked; as if reading his mind.

Sam's fingers flexed around the handle of the weapon he'd picked up from the vamp he'd killed when he arrived as he anxiously looked around, praying Ajay was going to appear. "Running and fighting. All day, every day." he replied absently.

"Must have been hell on you, not being able to get him out all that time."

A sharp pain shot through Sam's chest at the reminder that he'd let his brother rot. That he hadn't even tried to save him. - That he'd turned his back and forgot. He couldn't meet Bobby's gaze, looking everywhere but the old man.

"You did _try_?"

"Bobby, Dean and I had an agreement, okay?" he insisted; though his tongue burned with the lie. He knew that agreement was just words. That it was his duty to have fought to get his brother back. - He just….

"I know that agreement." Bobby interrupted. "I taught you that agreement. That's a non-agreement."

Sam dropped his gaze, pain racking through his chest. He'd lied to himself for a year, told himself that he was following that agreement. That Dean would understand. Deep down he'd known Dean would be expecting him to save him. That Dean would be waiting for him; he just hadn't wanted to believe it, to listen to that voice. He'd wanted out and he'd been determined to stay out no matter the cost.

"I get the feeling a lot must have happened while I was gone." Bobby added almost angrily. " _Sam_!"

He turned sharply to see three vampires rushing towards them, teeth bared. He swung the weapon and took off the first attackers head, clean and bloody, but he didn't have time to relax, another was coming at him while the third was going after Bobby. He could hear the ruckus behind him.

With the second one dispatched, Sam turned to help Bobby but found help had already arrived, he took a step back in surprised as Benny dragged the third vamp to the ground, ripping into its throat. He caught sight of Bobby moving to attack and rushed to get between him. "Bobby, no, _no_! Wait, wait, wait!" he held the old man off as Benny got to his feet, spitting out the throat of his victim. "Why are you here?" Sam demanded breathlessly.

"Dean sent me."

"Dean? Not my Dean." Bobby denied, moving to attack but being held back by Sam.

"He's a buddy of Dean's, Bobby." Sam reassured.

"A buddy?"

"A good buddy." Benny insisted with a smirk.

Sam felt that overpowering desire to kill him again, but fought it back. There was something about the vampire he didn't trust, didn't like. The hold he seemed to have over Dean left him feeling nervous and cold. Sure, he got that Benny had saved him from Purgatory, at a price, but… he just couldn't put his finger on it, he just didn't like him.

"A friggin' vampire?" Bobby snapped; disgust in his tone. "Well, you two really went off the rails while I was gone, didn't ya?"

"We should get movin'." Benny laughed breathlessly; turning and marching off in front of the pair.

Sam watched him leave and part of him wanted to stay, but if Dean had sent Benny, it meant he'd be waiting for them. Sending Bobby an almost apologetic look and getting another furious one in return, he headed off after the vampire.

 

**~~~There Are No Lies, Only Truths No Yet Told~~~**

 

Sam slouched against the window, staring down at his hands, flexing his fingers as the tingling continued beneath his flesh. It was lingering this time, the intense burning that had coursed through his body when he'd fulfilled the trial. It had faded quickly the first time but not now. Now he could feel the pressure in his lungs causing his stomach to cramp with a mix of weariness and fear. It didn't make him feel any better knowing Dean was watching him, though thankfully his brother hadn't spoken to him since they'd hit the road.

He knew Dean was dealing with his own issues. Discovering Bobby's fate had hit his brother hard, Sam had seen that instantly and then learning that Benny hadn't returned with him from purgatory. That he'd volunteered to stay. Sam understood Dean's need for quiet reflection. It was his method of dealing with his feelings.

He had to admit that he'd maybe been wrong about Benny. That the vampire hadn't been quite the monster he'd expected. He had to acknowledge that maybe he'd been projecting his own self-hated on the vamp. After all, Benny had gotten Dean out of purgatory while he hadn't even tried. He'd been the one in the wrong and Benny had been his scapegoat. It had never really been about not trusting the vampire; it had been jealousy and guilt.

Sam clenched his fists tight, hoping to relieve the discomfort. When it didn't help he slipped them into his pockets, not wanting Dean to see them shaking. At least he wasn't coughing up blood. - Yet. He would be eventually, he knew, it was only a matter of time. Turning his head, he stared out at the passing fields, tilting his head up to the early dawn sky. "You think he's happy?" he asked quietly. He already knew the answer, Bobby had said himself that he didn't want to go to heaven, didn't want to be out of the game.

"Happier than he was in hell." Dean replied with a humourless laugh; glancing over at him.

Sam nodded with a small smile and just continued to stare out into the dark again.

"You want me to drop you off in Texas?" Dean asked casually; his eyes fixed on the road ahead, his fingers flexing around the wheel ever so slightly.

Sam stared at him confused for a few moments until understanding took over. He hadn't actually told Dean he'd gone to Kermit, or that he'd seen Amelia, but he knew that was the obvious assumption and he wasn't going to correct him. Though he knew he'd have to tell Dean eventually, he just wasn't up for the whole conversation/confrontation, he was too tired to deal with the questions and arguments that would come with the truth, so he let Dean believe what he believed. "No." he murmured wearily.

He wanted to see Alfie, now more than ever, but he'd already decided that he wasn't going to drag his son into this, wasn't going to put him through the worry and fear that came with each trial. Yes, it was selfish. Yes, he had a right to know. But it was Sam's duty to protect him from that, a duty he'd already failed at once, and there was nothing Alfie could do to either help or stop what was going to happen to him.

And it wasn't like his son didn't have enough of his own problems. Ever since he'd told the young man about the Angel Tablet and what Cass had said to Dean about Naomi, Alfie had been having the nightmares again. He'd told him about some of them, but Sam knew there was more he _wasn't_ telling him but he hadn't pressed. When Alfie was ready, he'd talk.

As it was though, Sam would get calls in the middle of the night, his voice unsteady and breathless, filled with fear. He'd stay up with him, listening to what Alfie had to say, which wasn't much, he didn't like talking about his dreams or what he remembered of Heaven. So Sam would just talk about random stuff; college, girls, the game they'd sat and watched together despite being miles apart. Alfie didn't need more stress and worry added to his already overloaded shoulders. So, Sam would keep his distance for now, he'd phone and email but no more visits, not until the whole nightmare was over and he could look his son in the eyes without fear of scaring him further.

"You don't believe her?" Sam asked suddenly.

Dean frowned over at him. "Who?"

"Naomi?" Sam clarified; watching Dean as his brother's back straightened in his seat.

"I… - No, I don't." Dean shook his head. "I know she's screwing with us, I just don't know what?"

Sam turned to stare back out at the open road. "She wants the tablet and she knows you're the only way she'll get it." he said matter-of-factly.

"I don't know where it is." Dean snapped angrily. "I don't know where _he_ is."

Sam glanced over at his brother again, noting the dark shadows beneath his eyes for the first time. "He'll show up."

"He better not." Dean growled.

Sam knew he didn't mean it. He knew Dean was worried about Cass, but he also knew when to drop the subject, so he sighed wearily, nodded vaguely and set his head back against the window; his eyes drifting closed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to add in the first part of this chapter after I realized that Sam and Alfie needed to have that talk about Alfie’s nightmares. I hope its not too bad though and it doesn’t feel rushed and out of place.
> 
> I have two little issues with Taxi Driver. Firstly: What happened to Crowley’s endless cue. I really liked that. I thought it was just so…. Well, English and different. Yet here we are back to dark, dank hell with lots of screaming, disfigured bodies and blood.
> 
> Secondly: Why the hell (pardon the pun) didn’t Sam have some reservations about going into hell. I mean surely he’d be a little reluctantly, even if it was only for a few seconds, but it didn’t look to me like he cared all that much, which is crap considering what he’d gone through in the previous season with Lucifer and everything. I mean Benny had more of a reaction to going back than Sam, who’d pretty much suffered from PTSD throughout season 7. Am I the only one that thought that was more than a little unrealistic?
> 
> While writing this I realized something, did it really take Sam twenty-four hours to find the cave, get to Bobby and then hike back to the spot Ajay left him? Seriously, because it most certainly didn’t seem like a long trek. In fact, Sam seemed to breeze through the whole thing. He doesn’t look tired and he doesn’t make any kind of comment, and there was no scene where its night and we know it gets dark because Dean and Cass arrived in purgatory at night. Can anyone else as screw-up. Bad Supernatural, Bad.


	9. Torment of Reason

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam sits down to write his confession.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes us through episodes Pac-Man Fever and The Great Escapist. Gabriel will be appearing in this chapter via flashback and dream sequences, because ultimately this is still a Sabriel story and I need to keep our favourite angel alive in some form or another.

Sam stretched as he stepped out into the library, rubbing at his face. He felt like hell, worse than hell if he were honest. Ever since completing the trail all he'd wanted to do is sleep, his body feeling utterly drained of all energy. He'd thankfully stopped coughing up blood, for the time being any way and now he just hoped that he'd get back to normal soon.

He looked over at Dean, sat silently in front of his laptop, still hunting for the missing prophet. They'd been kicking themselves for days, neither one wanting to acknowledge the possibility that Kevin had been taken by Crowley. That the kid's fears had been founded.

"I'm telling you give five minutes with some clippers." Dean smirked.

Sam narrowed his eyes at his brother's teasing remarks. He'd been commenting on his hair more and more the last few weeks. Sam suspected he was trying convince them both that everything was normal and he wasn't worried.

"I don't know, I kinda like it."

Sam spun; eyes wide and his heart suddenly racing as he found himself face to face with a smirking archangel. "Gabriel? What are you…? You're _Dead_!"

"And that's why you're the brains of the operation." Gabriel snorted. "You're dreaming genius." he nodded over Sam's shoulder.

Sam turned to find himself alone, Dean vanishing like smoke. He quickly spun back to see Gabriel still standing there, an amused gleam in his amber eyes. "I'm dreaming?" the archangel shrugged nonchalantly. "About _you_?" Sam frowned.

"I'm gonna try not to take offence by your tone. It's not like it's the first time is it now?" he wiggled his brows at the hunter, strolling past him towards the bookshelves; scanning the thick volumes.

Sam inhales sharply at the reminder. Though he'd dreamt of Gabriel, it hadn't been this real in ages. "Why? - Why now?"

"Because that noggin of yours is splitting in half." he replied sadly; not looking at the younger man.

Sam closed his eyes; swallowing hard at the lump in his throat. When he opened them again, Gabriel was staring at him with a regretful, mournful look. "What?" Sam demanded; part way between anger and resignation.

"What happened Sam? What happened to getting out, being normal. - Finding someone to love. - You promised me you'd get out Sam."

"I…" Sam sighed as he yanked a chair out from the table; turning it before taking a seat. "I tried." he whispered.

"Did you?" the archangel pressed; his voice filled with doubt. "Cause the way I saw it you couldn't wait to get back to this hell."

"She kicked me out." Sam defended sharply; narrowing his eyes at the archangel. "Her husband came back and she kicked me to the curb. What was I meant to do?"

"I don't know, fight? - Find someone else. Move town, get a new life like 'normal' people do." Gabriel grunted, shaking his head with frustration. He strolled over casually, perching himself down on the edge of the table, his leg brushing Sam's and sending phantom tingles through the hunter.

"Dean needed me."

Gabriel watched him intensely. "You didn't even know Dean was back when you decided to go back to hunting." he pointed out. "You can't lie to yourself kiddo." he smiles softly. "And you could have fought. You're usually so quick to fight for what you want, why didn't you fight for her? If you wanted her?" he raised a brow knowingly.

Sam took another sharp breath and leapt to his feet, walking away from the conversation, crossing the room to the doorway.

"Running away again Sammy? When has that ever actually worked for either of us."

Sam kept walking; marching down the corridor he'd just exited. He knew it was stupid, he couldn't outrun his dreams but he had to try. Shoving open the bedroom door he halted; jerking backwards slightly at the sight of Gabriel, stretched out on his bed, hands knotted behind his head, feet crossed. The archangel looked over with his usually smug grin and waited.

Sam breathed out a surrender, stepping into the room and over to the bed; lowering himself down on the edge before dropping his head into his hands. "I…." he started slowly. "I guess…. - she didn't fight for me either. She didn't try to make me stay." he said angrily.

Gabriel snorted. "She wanted you back. You know she was waiting in that room for you, don't you Sammy?"

Sam closed his eyes again; his chest aching.

"Why didn't you go back when you had the chance? - And don't try to spin me that bullshit about closing the gates being more important, we both know that wasn't the reason." Gabriel scoffed behind him.

Sam's spine stiffened, he'd been asking himself that practically every day since leaving Kermit, since not returning to that motel room, unwilling or maybe even scared of acknowledging the truth. "Maybe…" he trailed off, his head beginning to ache under the pressure of the dead archangels questions. He fell back; stretching himself out on the bed; his head resting in Gabriel's lap, his eyes closed tightly. He felt the brush of fingers in his hair and couldn't stop the relieved, settled sigh that slipped from his lips.

"Why didn't you go back Sammy?" Gabriel asked gently; his fingers moving through the long strands of golden brown hair.

"Maybe…" Sam whispered. "…she wasn't….enough."

Silence drew out for a long few minutes as those words settled into his mind. A truth at least partly acknowledged. "Why are you here?" he asked quietly.

"You're dying. - You know that, don't you? These trials, they're gonna kill you."

Sam shook his head; opening his eyes to meet the archangel's. "No. No, I won't die."

The corner of Gabriel's lips turned up in a soft smile. "So now you're gonna fight?"

"I have a reason to fight, to survive this." he said quietly; his own hand reaching for the archangel's face. "You should have told me."

Gabriel chuckled lightly; leaning into the touch before leaning down to press his lips against the hunters. Sam opening up to him without a second's hesitation.

"You're gonna have to say it you know." Gabriel murmured between kisses.

"Say what?"

"Confess."

Sam pulled back slightly; meeting the man's eyes. "Confess?"

"To this. To me. - To every dirty little secret you've been hiding."

Sam stared at him; eyes wide with a mix of fear and acceptance. He knew he'd have to tell Dean everything, he'd known that from the beginning, and he no longer had the excuse of fearing Cass. However, the thought of admitting to it all left him cold. "I can't." he shook his head. "I can't tell him…"

Gabriel threaded his finger through the hunters hair; shushing him softly. "You'll say it when you're ready Sam." he whispered; leaning forward once more to capture Sam's lips in a lingering kiss.

Sam exhaled; lifting his hand to hold the angel's head, keeping him from breaking away, opening his mouth to deepen the kiss. Allowing himself to get lost in the illusion. Again.

_~~us~~~_

Sam startled away at the sound of a heavy door slamming closed; the sound echoing through the practically empty bunker. He groaned at the loss of his sanctuary and threw his legs over the side of the bed, He paused; his head in his hands as he tried to regain his equilibrium, then slowly and unsteadily pushed himself off the bed and headed for the door.

Sam exited the corridors to find Dean, sat in front of his computer, a beer in his hand.

His brother looked at him with a cringe. "I telling you give me five minutes with a pair of clippers."

Sam's heart leapt into his throat and he held his breath, waiting for a familiar teasing voice that never came. "Shut up." he replied regretfully.

 

**~~~There Are No Lies, Only Truths No Yet Told~~~**

 

_**Dear Dean,** _

_**If you're reading this, it means I didn't make it,** _

Sam coughed; his hand trembling over the paper. He reached for the glass beside him, sipping at the water cautiously. The silence in the bunker was deafening, though at least he didn't have to deal with Dean's increased concern, it was driving him insane. He got that his brother was scared and was just trying to help him through this, but wrapping him in bubble-wrap and cotton wool _wasn't_ helping, it was just suffocating him. He wanted to work, he _needed_ to work.

Sighing, Sam set the glass aside and stared down at the paper. He'd been putting off writing the letters for weeks, reluctantly to actually put it all into words, but after his dream that morning, he knew it was time. While he was still able to.

He'd already written letters to Alfie and Katherine. He'd even written a short one to Cass, just in case the angel showed up. All that was left was Dean, and it was the hardest one of all, there was too much he needed to say.

_**I only hope that it worked and the gates are closed. Dean, I need you to do some things for me. Firstly, I need you not to bring me back. This is it Dean. The end. I don't want you to make some deal or use some hoodoo, I just want to be let go. It's time. Time we stopped holding on. It only ever makes things worse. I love you and I know this is going to be hard for you but please Dean, let me go.** _

He swallowed the lump forming in his throat at his own words.

_**I know you think you need me but you don't. You can find a way to live without me.** _

Sam cleared his throat again; reaching for his glass and taking a large gulp.

_**The second thing I'm asking of you might help with that Dean. I need you to look after my son. Yes, you read that correctly, no I'm not kidding. This isn't one last joke. I have a son, his name's Alfie.** _

Sam took a breath, he thought it would be easier confessing this on paper, not having to see Dean's face when he told him but it wasn't. It was just as hard because he can still see that face in his mind and it was both comical and terrifying.

_**Alfie Samandriel Graves. That's his full name. You're not an idiot Dean, so I know you're putting it all together and I can just imagine your face right now. Yes, it is the same kid. No, I'm not kidding you. That angel we rescued from Crowley is my son.** _

Sam chuckled quietly as he saw Dean's confused bewildered face in his mind's eye.

_**He's not dead, Cass didn't kill him. I know you probably have a million questions and honestly, I'm kinda glad I'm not there to answer them face to face because you're not going to like this next part.** _

_**You're wondering how any of this is possible, aren't you? How I have a son who's an angel. Well, Alfie's a Nephilim, you can ask Cass about them or look it up in the archives. Basically, it's a child born to a human and an angel, or in Alfie's case, an archangel. - NO Dean, not Lucifer.** _ _ **Relax** _ _**.** _

_**It's complicated. Really complicated and you're not going to like it.** _

He paused; lifting his pen from the paper, his heart racing even though Dean wasn't going to read this for a while. - If he were lucky, he'll never read it. He didn't want to disappoint his brother and he was pretty sure that was what he was going to do when he told him the truth.

_**You remember New York, five years ago? We were in a bar when I bumped into an old school friend, Katherine Graves. You left and I went back to her place. Well it turns out that Katherine wasn't exactly the girl I thought she was. It turns out she was, you might want to take a drink.** _

He took another deep breath, his hand trembling.

_**She was Gabriel.** _

_**Apparently, it had been Gabriel I'd met in high school in '97. You okay Dean? I know you're confused. I didn't know it was Gabriel. Not in '97, not when I went home with** _ _**her** _ _**him.** _

He wasn't going to say that he'd figured it out quicker than he'd wanted to admit to. That he'd continued to have sex with Gabriel despite his suspicions. That he'd kissed him after that night, while the archangel had been in his male vessel. Dean didn't need to know any of that. - At least not from him.

_**When I realized it was Gabriel I left but it was too late. I didn't know about Alfie until a few months ago, when we were moving into the bunker. I found a message on the DVD Gabriel gave us in Indiana.** _

He prayed Dean didn't ask why he was even watching that DVD in the first place. Though part of him knew, he would be.

_**When I realized it was our Alfie, Samandriel. I - Well I know you know how I felt. I thought he was dead.** _

Emma passed across his mind and he blinked back tears.

_**I'm sorry Dean.** _

He knew his brother would understand what he was apologizing for.

_**I went looking for Katherine, the real Katherine, the vessel. I wanted answers and to tell her what had happened. She'd raised him as her own, which in a way he was I guess. Anyway, when I finally found her, in Lawrence of all places, it turned out he wasn't dead after all. The way we figure it, he used his angel mojo to switch himself out for an illusion just before Cass** _

He couldn't write the word.

_**\- Like Gabriel did the night he died. He'll answer your questions Dean. You'll find him and Katherine at our grandparent's old house in Lawrence. I need you to watch out for him Dean. If heaven finds out he's alive, I don't want to think what they'll do to him. He's an abomination in their eyes. On top of that he's a Winchester, he'll be a target, so please keep him safe. - And Dean, I'm begging you, don't bring him into this life. Promises me you'll let him be normal.** _

Sam stopped writing, his pen falling from his fingers as he stared down at the blurring lines, tears making it hard to see, blocking his throat. He leant forward, resting his head in his shaky hands and let them come. Let the pain rip through him for a few moments, water spots forming at the bottom of the page. His fingers curling into his hair, he growled furiously at himself.

He may have written the letter but like hell was he going to need Dean to read it. He wasn't going to just lay down and give up, he had to keep fighting. He'd promised Dean he'd die old and that was exactly what he intended to do. He was going to dance at his son's wedding. He was going to see his grandkids. He had a future in sight and like hell was he give that up. - He'd fought too damn hard for this normal-ish life.

He sat up straight, reaching for his pen, he scribbled his name at the bottom then tossed the pen and folded the paper violently, shoving it into an envelope with Dean's name on the front, before gathering the others he pushed back his chair and stood. He was going to keep fighting, starting right now.

 

**~~~There Are No Lies, Only Truths No Yet Told~~~**

 

May 3rd 2013 13:35

To: LawrenceCampbell83

From: SamRoberts09

Subject: Hi

Hey Dad, how's work going? I've been trying to get hold of you the last few day but you're not answering. I hope it's because you're on a case and not because something has happened. Please get back to me as soon as you can. I'm a little worried.

Sam doesn't even get to the end of the message before he was out of his chair and rushing down the hall towards the bathrooms. He'd been feeling sick since the second they'd gotten back from Salina, but he'd thought it was just in his head, wariness from having to go hand to hand with not one, but two Djinn. He hadn't told Dean obviously, his brother wouldn't only use it against him, he'd be even worse for it.

Sam stumbled out of the bathroom twenty minutes later, his throat burning and his eyes red, stinging; the smell of vomit and toilet cleaner clogging his sinuses. He paused half way down the hall, his sweaty palm braced against the cool tiles, inhaling deeply and fighting to shake off the dizziness.

It took him a few minutes to be able to move again but eventually he made it back to his room, pushing the door open slowly and freezing. His eyes locked on the figure staring at his computer. - His open computer. The air fled his lungs in a rush of panic. "Charlie?"

She spun, wide eyed with guilt. "Huh…Hey."

Sam squared his shoulders as he moved into the room, pushing the door closed behind him with a quick ominous click.

Charlie swallowed nervously. "Huh, so…you feeling okay?"

"What are you doing here?" Sam asked quietly.

"I - I just…. - Being nosy." she shrugged apologetically.

Sam took a breath and stepped over to her causing the red-head to take a step back as he approached, like she thought he was going to do something. All he did was reach past her and close his laptop. "Where's Dean?" he asked.

"He went out to grab some food." Charlie murmured. "Its not like you can have pizza delivered to the Bat Cave, you know." she chuckled shakily.

Sam nodded; strolling wearily towards his bed, dropping down with a slight grunt. "So you decided to wander around?"

"Like I said, this place is pretty awesome." Charlie shifted awkwardly, exhaling. "And Dean asked me to check on you." she confessed.

"I'm fine." he lied easily.

She scoffed at him. "You don't look fine? You looked like an extra from the Walking Dead."

"Gee thanks. - You can tell Dean I'm fine."

There was a long silent as Sam stared down at his slightly trembling hands while Charlie hovered awkwardly on the side-lines of his room. He knew she'd read the email. He should have closed his laptop, which had been stupid. It could have been Dean and then where would he be? Sitting there trying to explain to his brother why some kid was calling him dad. _Maybe you wanted Dean to see it_. A voice in the back of his mind whispered. He supposed he should be thankful it was Charlie. - Though… "Dean can't know."

She turned to look at him, a book in her hand, his eyes flickered to it, already knowing what it was, he'd been reading it over and over, hoping to find something. "About?"

Sam looked up at her with a tired stare. "The email. - I know you read it."

Charlie smiles awkwardly, shrugging a little. "Well, you know, only fair. You read _my_ private emails." she defended like it was justification.

"We were looking for you." Sam pointed out; turning himself on the bed, stretching out his legs and settling back against the headboard. "It was the only clue we had."

Charlie nodded understandingly. "I guess I should be grateful, huh. I mean if you guys hadn't have found me…." she trailed off, her throat closing up at the memory of just a few hours ago.

Sam still didn't know what had happened, neither Charlie or Dean were talking to him, but he knew from experience how intense those dreamscapes can be and it was still affecting her, he could see it written all over her face. "Just…don't tell him, okay. I can't…handle that on top of….everything."

Charlie looked at him sympathetically, walking over to perch on the end of his bed, the book in her hands. "Is….I mean…" she gave him a side long look uncertain how to even broach the subject. "Was it real?" she asked eventually.

Sam frowned at her. "Was what real?"

"The email. - I mean, is it….are you like….Larping? I mean I know you had a good time in Moondoor and well…."

"I'm not LARPing" he replied; his features trapped part way between amused and disgusted. "Why would I LARP about having a son?"

Charlie shrugged. "You'd be amazed what people LARP." she huffed. "I mean I knew this guy who used to…"

"I don't what to know." Sam interrupted quickly. "No. I wasn't LARPing, it's real. _He's_ real."

Charlie sat silently, just staring at him with wide eyes and a slightly gaping mouth. "How old? I mean that email is pretty well written and well you're only…what? Thirty? Thirty-one?"

Sam nodded. "It's…complicated. - All that matters is Dean can't know."

Charlie narrowed her eyes at him. "Why?"

"Like I said, it's complicated and…we're already drowning in….this…" he waved aimlessly at himself. "He can't handle it, not now and I can't deal with the questions and accusation that'll come from telling him."

Charlie's face was a mix of wide eyed intrigue and sympathy. Sam could tell she was just bubbling over to ask him questions but she pressed her lips tightly together and turned to stare down at the book in her hand.

"You're going to tell him through, right? Eventually, because I think he'd want to know." Charlie said after a long uncomfortable silence.

Sam sighed; rubbing at his eyes. "Yeah. As soon as all the craps calmed down…."

"The crap never calms down, I learnt that reading the books." Charlie pointed out, looking at him meaningfully. "Was she in one of the book? Ohmy _god_ was it Sarah?"

Sam stared at her confused for a moment before shaking his head. "It's not Sarah." he said; once again hating those damn books. "If Chuck wasn't dead…."

"But she's in the books?" Charlie pressed.

Sam dropped his gaze, his lips pressed into a thin line as he stared at his shirt.

Charlie seemed to realize she wasn't going to be getting an answer with that tactic so switched. "Do you have a photo?"

Sam looked up at her.

"Of him. You're kid?"

Sam opened his mouth to say no but found the words wouldn't come out.

Before he even realized what he was doing he was reaching for his wallet, opening it and riffling through the small slit to tug the photo out. He looked at it again, smiling softly at the image before handing it over.

He watched Charlie take it, her eyes scanning as a small smile crept across her face.

"He's cute." she said softly; looking over at him. "But he'd got good genes, so obvious."

Sam laughed awkwardly.

"Who's the guy with him?" she asked and Sam felt his stomach clench a little, unable to think up a lie. She looked at him and he looked away.

He could feel her eyes burning into him, intense and searching, that quick genius mind of hers probably putting things together and creating at least a small picture in her head.

Then she was handing the photo back to him and getting to her feet.

"Don't tell him, Charlie, _please_."

She looked over at him with a smile. "I won't say a word. You have my word as Queen of Moondoor."

Sam probably shouldn't have taken that to mean anything but he did. He knew Charlie took her royal, if fake, role seriously and he knew if she'd given him her word as Queen, it was as good as the conventional. "Thanks."

"You coming out for Pizza?"

Sam shook his head. "I wiped."

Charlie nodded. "Call him first, he sounds seriously worried. - I'll tell Dean you're out like a light."

Sam smiled warmly over at her. "Thanks. You get some sleep too, okay."

"I don't think I'm gonna be sleeping for at least the next year." she replied; part jest, part fear.

Sam gave her a nod; watching as she pulled open the door and slipped out.

He waited for her to close the door before releasing the breath he'd been holding since walking in to find her staring at his computer screen. He dropped his eyes to the photo and smiled to himself as he reached for his phone with the other hand, blindly hitting the number with practiced fingers. It barely rang before a voice filled his ear.

" _Dad?"_

"Hey. Sorry, it's been hell the last couple of days. How have you been?" Sam asked; feeling the pain in his chest and the waved of dizziness threatening to drown him just fade away as he listened to Alfie fill him in on his life; his eyes locked on the photo, his thumb absently stroking over a smirking face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a hard time decided whether to go with this final scene between Charlie and Sam. Part of me didn’t want to do it because I’m fearful of what it’ll mean (the problems it’ll cause) when I come to work on season 9, but on the other hand I wanted to give someone for Sam to talk too, someone he could finally tell who wouldn’t judge him the way Dean probably will. - I’d almost considered dropping for a while but in the end I decided to go with it for the worst reason, probably, because the chapter was coming up short and I was having trouble thinking of anything better to fill out the story. I hope its not a disappointment, personally I can’t tell how I feel about it at all.


	10. I'll Be There To Remind You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam remembers things he never knew he knew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This beginning half of this chapter is mostly flashback, as it’s set during The Great Escapist, when Sam is remembering things he’d forgotten. I really liked the idea of Sam getting back small memories, it gave me a change to play with Sam and Gabriel’s back story, because as I’ve already mentioned in Chimes At Midnight and What Rough Beasts, Gabriel kept an eye on Sam after their encounter in high school.

_Florence, Arizona. 2001_

_The road glistened from the hours of rain. Sam glanced up at the sky with a sigh, it was probably going to start again any minutes, he should have gotten a cab. If he wasn't heading back to the motel, alone he would have but Megan had decided to skip out with Nathan Rhodes. He wasn't all that surprised really, he'd figured she'd only agreed to be his prom date was so she could try and catch Dean's attention, and when that didn't work she'd run back to her ex._

_He shoved his hands deeper into the pockets of his suit pants and exhaled warily, this had not been what he'd expected his prom to be like, hell this handed been what he'd expected his life to be like. At least it wasn't going to be like this for much longer. He had college in his headlights, a free ride to Stamford. He was finally escaping from this….insanity. All he had to do was tell his dad._

_He turned a corner and caught sight of the bright blue motel sign beckoning him home. Home? He'd never had a home in his life. - Or at least not one he remembered._

_A stabbing pain shot throw his foot, making him stumble. Hobbling over to a wall, he leaned back against the damp brick and lifting his foot, tugging his shoe off. He gave it an angry shake and watched as the large pebble tumbled out._

_Watching it fall to the ground, he found himself following it, lowering himself against the wall until he was sat on the wet pavement, his shoe still in his hand and his socked foot soaking up the rainwater. He felt tired, worn out. He hated his life. Hating himself. Hating the universe or whoever it was that had decided that now was the time for the rain to start again._

" _You're gonna get wet there kiddo." a rough male voice said above him._

_Sam didn't look up, he just stared at his sock darken with raindrops._

" _Why don't you get up? I'll buy you a drink, you look like you could do with one." the voice said._

" _I'm fine, just leave me alone." Sam snapped angrily. He closed his eyes and waited for the man to speak again. Taking a deep breath, he filled his lungs with the damp fresh air, his chest clenching as something familiar caught his attention. A subtle sweetness. It made his heart race and his throat tightened. He instantly looked up as he felt fingers trail through his quickly dampening hair only to find the space in front of him empty. His heart dropped and the tears he hadn't realized he'd been holding back began to slip from his eyes, mixing with the rain that pebbled his face._

"Sammy, wake up. - We're here."

Sam groaned; his eyes fluttering reluctantly open. He glanced around at the hotel parking lot with a sigh and a desperate prayer that he was right.

"You okay?" Dean asked, concerned and wary.

Sam shot his brother a hard look as he shoved open the door and stepped out into the damp smelling fresh air. He looked up at the rain clouds and felt his chest tighten at the long forgotten memory.

 

**~~~There Are No Lies, Only Truths No Yet Told~~~**

 

_Lincoln, Nebraska. 1998_

_Sam exhaled slowly, his fingers playing absently with his pen. This was what he hated about being in a new school. It wasn't being constantly branded 'The New Kid' or never having friends for longer than a week or two, it was the endless to and fro of the class work. This was the seven times in three months he'd had to listen to the same lecture, the same fact and figures, the same infamous speeches gives to the same armies. He probably knew more about the Battle of Carthage than the damn teacher._

_With the teacher going over it all again, Sam found his mind wandering, as well as his eyes. They drifted off his left and out to the student parking lot, taking in the row of cars. It was only the third period so most of the school was in class, which was why the figure leaning against a battered red Beetle caught his attention. He stared, his eyes scanning over the man, the warm sunlight gleamed off his light hair turning it a rustic golden brown, his denim jacket hanging off his slim frame as he leant one shoulder against the car. It felt like their eyes were connected, staring into one another and Sam felt something tugging at his gut despite the distance between them. He frowned, a voice in the back of his mind telling him something was wrong, there was something off with this guy and yet….not._

_He didn't know how long he sat there, eyes fixed on the stranger, but it felt like a lifetime. His eyes were beginning to burn from lack of moister, when had he last blinks? Just thinking about it made his eyelids drop. When he opened them again, the man was gone, quick as lightening. In the blink of an eye, the student parking lot was empty of humanity, the red Beetle sitting lonely in the sunshine. Sam felt his heart sink ridiculously._

" _Mr Winchester, am I boring you?"_

_Sam turned his head to stare at the middle age teacher, her face pinched with boredom and frustration. She was obviously as tired of telling this story as he was of hearing it. "No, Ma'am. Sorry."_

Sam groaned; rolling onto his back and pressed his hand to his eyes. His mind was reeling with confusion and yet it all kinda made sense. Gabriel had been there, at his high school. Why? Was he watching over him? Stalking him? Sam shook his head, forcing his mind away from the archangel.

He found his mind flickering through other memories, a thousand small things he'd forgotten. A smile curved his lips as he grabbed hold of an image of Dean and their Dad. They're surrounded by cliffs and golden dirt, a laugh bubbled up in him as the memory grew more vivid. He could hear his father's voice, his own laughter as Dean's grumbled, his face pinched with an angry embarrassment.

 

**~~~There Are No Lies, Only Truths No Yet Told~~~**

 

_Pal Alto, California. 2005_

_Sam fought back the tears, he'd have time enough to moan when he found the son of a bitch that had stolen his future. It was all his fault though, he knew that, he'd seen this coming, he should never have left. He glanced up over the boot of the Impala, watching as Dean slowly walked back to him. It was his fault too. Why couldn't he just leave him alone? Why did he have to bring this shit to his door? He was out, he was free. - He was fucking normal and happy, and in love, until Dean crashed back into his life._

_He drowned in an ocean of guilt, the hatred he was feeling towards Dean choking him. It wasn't his brother's fault, he hadn't put a gun to his head, hadn't tied him up and forced him to go with him, he'd just asked for his help. No, Dean wasn't to blame for this, he was. He should_ _ never _ _have left. - Or better yet, he should never have gotten involved with Jess to begin with. He was cursed, his family was cursed, he'd known that and he'd brought her into his life anyway. It was_ _ his _ _fault;_ _ he'd _ _killed the love of his life._

_Sam turned his attention back to the shot gun, savouring the feel of cool metal in his palm as he loaded another round violently. He felt Dean step up beside him, felt his eyes burning into the side of his face, and turned to meet the concerned, sorrowful eyes. His brother felt guilty, he could see it written all over Dean's face._

_Sam turned back to the boot. "We've got work to do." he announced, dropping the shot gun and slamming the lid furiously, then he marched away from his brother, yanking open the passenger side door and climbing in, waiting impatiently for Dean to join him._

_A few seconds later the engine was roaring to life and Dean was pulling away from the curb, taking them past the fire-trucks and ambulances, and the gathered crowds of onlookers, getting their kicks from his tragedy. Sam ground his teeth and clenched his fist tight as he glared at all their faces. His eyes narrowing as they settled on a short man standing a few feet away from the crowd, his hands buried in his pockets and a sadness printed on his face that spoke to Sam in a way he didn't quiet understand. While everyone else's gaze remained fixed on the mayhem of the fire, Sam watched the man watch him, his eyes following the Impala as it moved by._

_As they pass the crowd, Sam's gaze flickered to the wing mirror but found no sign of the man._

 

**~~~There Are No Lies, Only Truths No Yet Told~~~**

 

_Broward County, Florida. 2008_

_The bar was kinda quiet, but then that's what came from small towns. He'd been left alone, again, by Dean, who'd skipped out with some girl. That wasn't unexpected, Dean had been making the most out of his quickly vanishing time. Sam tried not to think about it, yet it was all he could think about. In only a matter of months his brother would be dead and he'd be alone. - No, that wasn't going to happen. He was going to find a way to save Dean if it's the last thing he did._

_He waved for another drink and let his head drop forward into his hands, his eyes drifting closed. He heard the glass clink against the wooden bar top and murmured a thanks, but didn't look up, listening as the bartender walked away._

_He was tired, unbelievably tired. His whole body left like a lead weight keeping him fixed to the barstool he'd been sat on the past three hours. He let his mind wander, his eyes pressed into the palms of his hands, closed and slightly damn. It was all his fault. Dean wouldn't be in this if it hadn't been for him. Jessica, his mom, his dad, none of them would be dead if it weren't for him. For what Yellow-Eyes had done to him. Turned him into._

_Not for the first time he considered calling the demon up, breaking the deal. He was meant to be dead anyway, break the deal now and set it all right. Sure Dean wouldn't be happy but….rather Dean than him. He wasn't right anyway. He wasn't clean, he'd never been clean. He was tainted with evil, he knew that now, he didn't deserve to be alive when everyone he loved was dead, the world would be a better place without him._

_Lifting his head, he took a deep breath, inhaling so deeply his lungs burned and his throat constricted. His eyes flew open and scanned the bar desperately; there was something on the air, some familiar smell that called to something in him. He looked at all the faces, some people meeting his gazes, others too occupied with their own drinks or company. Sam took another deep inhale, the sweetness still lingering. He twisted in his seat to look at the small cluster of tables behind him, still unable to pinpoint where the smell was coming from._

_When he turned back his heart skipped for a second; his breath lodging in his throat as he caught a glimpse of something across the bar, a look in one of the patronise eyes but he's gone too quick to really register. Sam shook his head and reached for his glass, gulping down his beer as he stared across at the empty place opposite him._

 

**~~~There Are No Lies, Only Truths No Yet Told~~~**

 

Sam rubbed at his temples, thankful the loud ringing in his ears had finally stopped. If that was going to happen every time he was in close proximity to Metatron, he was most definitely keeping his distance, at least until the trials were done.

However, it wasn't the ringing, or sudden lack thereof, that was making his head hurt, it was all the new information rolling around in his head. All the things he'd remembered over the past twenty-four hours on top of knowing what the final trail was, even if he had no idea what 'cure a demon' even meant. - And Metatron hadn't exactly been helpful. How the hell can the person that wrote the damn tablets not know what they meant? How was that possible?

What had really surprised him though was realizing that Gabriel hadn't just been a passing fling; he hadn't just dropped into his life at fourteen and then vanished for twelve years until he wanted a final hoorah. Gabriel had watched over him. - At least that was the only way he could describe it, Dean would probably consider it stalking if he knew, and in a way, he'd be right, except Sam somehow knew that hadn't been it. Hell, Gabriel could have made a move at any point in those twelve years. He could have been that guy in the frat house Sam had experimented with when he was twenty. He could have stayed around when Sam was dumped by his prom date. He could have found a thousand other opportunities to make his presence felt, but he never did. He just watched. - Which okay was pretty creepy, yet…also strangely comforting.

Part of Sam was furious though. If Gabriel had been watching over him since they'd met in High School, he could have done something, could have told him what was happening, warned him about Brody. - Saved Jessica. _Of course, he wouldn't have save Jess._ That angry voice whispered at the back of his mind. _He loved you, he probably_ _hated_ _her_.

 _Yet, he didn't do anything to her, he left you alone_. Sam's mind countered and he knew that was true. Gabriel could have, if he'd wanted to, he could have stepped in, done something to keep them apart. It wasn't like he didn't have the power to do that. But he hadn't, he'd let him be happy, at least for a while.

"Cure a demon?" Dean repeated for the hundredth time since leaving Two Rivers.

Sam rolled his eyes; shifting a little straighter in his seat and glancing over at his brother, silently thankful for the distraction from his thoughts, he didn't want to dwell on his memories any longer; he just wanted to focus on the road ahead.

"Ignoring the fact that I have no idea what that actually means…if we do this, you get better, right? I mean, you'll stop trying to cough up a lung and bumping into furniture?"

"I feel better, yeah, um, just having a direction to move in." Sam replied with a shrug.

"Well, good, because where we're headed doesn't sound like a picnic?"

"But we're heading somewhere." he agreed. "The end."

Sam stared at his brother's profile, his stomach tightening at the reminder that this might not be the walk in the park, light at the end of the tunnel ride they'd originally signed on for. Maybe he should tell Dean now, about Alfie. Maybe face the music rather than be a coward.

He opened his mouth to speak when Dean hit the brakes, the Impala screeching to a halt on the asphalt. Sam squinted as he caught the headlights reflecting off a body in the middle of the road. The second the car stopped, Dean was out and Sam, as swiftly as he could, followed; staring wide eyed as Cass lay, staring up at him bloody and pale in the headlights.

 

**~~~There Are No Lies, Only Truths No Yet Told~~~**

 

The drive back to the Bunker was probably the most uncomfortable Sam had felt in a very long time. Despite helping Cass into the car, after checking his injuries, Dean had given him the cold shoulder, his focus solely on the road while the angel slumped in the backseat. Sam had tried talking to him, but after Cass had filled them in on Naomi, Crowley and the now missing angel tablet, they'd slipped into silence. That's when Sam had decided to escape the tension but catching up on some more sleep.

Only the tension was still suffocating, even hours later. He sat at the table with files spread out in front of him, watching Cass desperately try to fix his fractured relationship with Dean.

Desperate for a break in the tension Sam cleared his throat. "Hey, uh, do we have a room 7B?"

Dean frowned down at him. "What?"

"Room 7B?" Sam looked between the pair awkwardly.

"Yeah." Dean replied roughly; tearing his jacket off his back and tossing it over one of the chairs before marching away.

Sam got to his feet quickly, swaying lightly, he shoot Cass an understanding, sympathetic look before rushing off after his brother. The pair making their way through the corridors in silence until Dean angrily pushed open the door to 7B.

Sam took a fortifying breath, he knew he shouldn't get involved in Dean and Cass 'friendship' but he was already stressed enough, he didn't need the tension that came from Dean being pissed at the angel. - And it wasn't like Cass was the only one keeping things from Dean. "Dude, go easy on Cass, okay? He'd one of the good guys." he reminded gently.

Dean turned to stare at him; fury raging in his eyes. "Look, if anybody else, I mean _anybody_ , pulled that kind of crap I would stab them in the neck on principle. Why should I give him a free pass?"

Sam met his brother's gaze unflinchingly. "Because it's Cass."

Dean glared at him for a few seconds before brushing the words off with a huff and marching further into the room. "What are we supposed to be looking for down here?"

"Um, anything on case 1138. It was a Class 5 infernal event. St. Louis. March 8th 1957." Sam replied; stepping further into the room, swinging his flashlight to check the shelves.

He got it, he really did. He understood why Dean was so pissed, he'd felt the same way about Gabriel. Sam inhaled slowly; shaking his head slightly at the thought. He hadn't been pissed that he'd slept with Gabriel, he could admit that now, what had pissed him off where the lies and manipulations. That he hadn't been given the option. Sure, he probably wouldn't have gone there if he'd known at the time, but then….maybe he would. If Gabriel had told him about high school then maybe he'd have gone into that bed willingly.

"Class 5 infernal event?" Dean asked; pulling him from his thoughts, forcing him focus on the more important issue right now.

 

**~~~There Are No Lies, Only Truths No Yet Told~~~**

 

Sam stared across the room; his eyes sore and his heart aching. He felt numb. Again. He seemed to be feeling like that a lot lately. It had started with walking away from Amelia almost nine months ago and had just been getting worse and worse. Sarah's death, no murder was the last straw. It wasn't worth it, saving the world had its price, he knew that, but when was the price too high? Sure in the long run they saved the world, they locked the demons away for good, but how long would it be before they were able to actually finish the trails? How many people would die between now and then? How long before Crowley hit closer to home?

A sudden spark of panic shot through Sam. If Crowley could track down Tommy, Jenny and Sarah, how long until he found Katherine. He already knew everything about his relationship with Gabriel, he'd known about Alfie. If he went after Katherine to force his hand, he'd discover that Alfie isn't dead and then….

Sam's throat tightened up; his hand riffled through his pockets for his phone, panic swelling up in his chest as he hit the number, getting quickly to his feet and rushing over to close his bedroom door before pacing as he waited for Alfie to answer.

" _Hey Dad."_

"Alfie, are you okay?" fear and worry bypassing every other thought; his breathing heavy.

" _What's wrong?"_ Alfie demanded, his own tone matching Sam's suddenly.

Sam moved across the room in hurried steps. "Have you seen any sign of Crowley? - Or…anyone suspicious?"

" _What, no. Why? - Dad, what's going on?"_ Alfie questioned in a sudden panic.

"You're sure you haven't seen anything?"

" _No. What's wrong?"_

"Crowley's holding a gun to our heads."

" _What!"_ Alfie yelled.

Sam winced at his poor choice of words. "Metaphorically speaking. He's threatening to go after people if we don't give him the demon tablet. - He's already killed…." his throat tightened as the image of Sarah floated into his head; the thought of her daughter growing up without her.

" _Does he know…?"_

"No. He doesn't seem to anyway, but this is Crowley. - So I need you to keep your head down and your eyes open."

" _Of course."_ Alfie agreed; breathlessly.

Sam exhaled slowly; rubbing at his eyes and lowering himself down on the edge of his bed. "I'm going to have to keep my distance."

" _Why?"_

"Because I don't want to risk leading him to you and Katherine. I shouldn't even be making this call."

" _What?"_

"It's just for a while, until we sort this whole thing out with Crowley. One way or another."

" _Are you going to give him the tablet?"_

Sam stared at his shoes. "I don't know, we…we need to think this through, which is why I'm calling you. I won't be calling or emailing until this is sorted, and you can't contact me either."

" _Dad…"_

"It shouldn't be for long. - I'm just trying to keep you and Katherine out of this and safe."

Sam listened to the silence; only broken by his son's breathing, his hands were shaking, the anger welling up again, blistering his insides like acid. Whether they continued with the trails or not, he was going to kill Crowley; his jaw tightening as he made that promise.

" _Are you alright? I have this….feeling you're not telling me something."_ Alfie said quietly; his voice thick and rough.

Sam pinched at the bridge of his nose; inhaling slowly. "I'm….I'll be fine." If they stop.

" _Dad…?"_

"I promise I'll be fine. I just need you to stay safe until this is done." he sighed wearily. He was so tired.

" _Okay."_ Alfie murmured. _"What if there's an emergency? What if I see…anything?"_

Sam swallowed convulsively against the lump growing in his throat, he coughed to dislodge it. "Call. Don't even hesitate. - But only if there's an emergency. - I'll call you as soon as everything settles down. I swear."

Alfie took a deep breath. _"Okay. - Okay."_

Sam nodded. "Good."

" _Dad, just….be careful, okay."_ Alfie whispered brokenly. _"I…I don't want to lose you too."_

Sam choked; tears sliding down his cheeks. He hadn't let himself think about the possibility of leaving Alfie, it hurt too much. He cleared the lump from his throat again. "You won't." he promised. "I love you."

" _Love you too Dad."_

They were silent down the line for a long moment before Sam reluctantly ended the call, his hands shaking worse than they had in weeks and his chest so painful it felt like something was reaching in and ripping his heart out.

"Sam!" Dean called through the door, two second before stepping in.

Sam dropped the phone and scrubbed at his face before meeting his brother's concerned, sympathetic silence. "Yeah. Is Cass back?" he asked thickly.

Dean shook his head, anger sparking in his eyes. "Are you okay?"

"What do you think?" Sam snapped; sighing a second later as his shoulders slumped forward.

"Want a drink?"

Sam shook his head. "I just want to sleep. Just give me a few hours okay."

Dean looked for a moment as if he was going to argue before shaking his head and turning to leave. He paused in the door, looking back at Dean. "I'm sorry about Sarah."

Sam nodded. "Me too."

Dean vanished with a heavy sigh of regret leaving Sam once again alone in his room, the cold biting into his bones despite the warmth of the bunker. Getting to his feet, he furiously ripped his jacket from his back, throwing it across the room. He dragged both hands through his hair as he stepped back and forth around his room, a sick feeling in his gut and a growing lump in his throat.

He stopped pacing after a few minutes and retook his seat on the bed, reaching for his wallet. Dropping it on the nightstand he bowed to remove his boots before stretching out; grabbing his wallet once more, he flipped it open and tugged out the folded image of Alfie and Gabriel, setting it up against the lamp before tossing the wallet aside and settling down against the pillow. He fixed his eyes on the smiling faces until he couldn't keep them open any longer and exhaustion pulled him into the abyss, wrapping him in its peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn’t want to do what I usually do and tie in a lot of the actual episode, mostly because it would have basically been nothing but repeating that episode scene by scene, and I’m assuming that you’ve seen the episode, so this is mostly made up of flashback.
> 
> I wanted Sam to remember that Gabriel wasn’t the first guy he’d kissed, just so he wouldn’t be so uptight about his attraction to Gabriel but once I wrote the flashback it didn’t fit right, so I switched it for the scene in the pilot and simply mentioned that Sam had experimented in college.
> 
> I realize that this kinda makes Gabriel a bit of a stalker but you know what, I don’t much care, he’s not out to do anything but watch over Sam, at least not until New York (Chimes at Midnight).
> 
> Also, I can never resist dropping in a little Destiel, (Though Dean and Cass aren’t actually together in this story.) they are my number one ship for SPN after all. I do think the show missed an opportunity during Season 9 to sow the seeds for Dean being bi-sexual, with that flashback episode. They could have easily have made his teenage love interest a guy in that episode but nope, have to keep the anti-slash fans happy. And did anyone else think that sixteen-year-old Dean was very much like Stiles from Teen Wolf? No, just me. Ok.
> 
> When Sam mentioned the end, I was convinced that was a clue to how season 9 was going to work out. I’d always thought that the show would finish mirroring the future-verse in some way, but no, it was a total red-herring, because the show got a season 10 (Which I’m truly overjoyed about.) and were well past 2014 in the series, so good by Camp Chitaqua.
> 
> Finally, it was a real shame to have to say goodbye to Sarah. I always liked her. Sadly, the curse of Sam Winchester’s Dick strikes again. RIP Sarah Blake. - Watching your back Amelia.


	11. Purged My Soul, My Heart Too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam purges his soul.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter, I hope you enjoy it. Set during the season 8 finale: Sacrifice. The title is taken from a song I heard on the radio while working on this that was conveniently called Blow Gabriel Blow. *Wink* It was really hard listening to it without peeing myself.

Sam sat there, darkness and silence surrounding him, the occasional creak of the wood beneath him. His mind was spinning with thoughts while being completely empty at the same time. Maybe he should have thought through what he was going to say, made a plan. Dean's suggestions had helped, at least generally. He knew he had a lot to get of his chest, a heavy weight on his soul and now was his chance to do that. Finally.

The problem was having so many sins meant he wasn't sure where to start. _Start at the beginning._ A voice in the back of his mind whispered. _Start with the first sin you committed._

Sam frowned, thinking, what was the first sin he'd committed? _Thou shall honour thy mother and thy father_. His heart leapt into his throat as he realized the voice sounded distantly like his father. He nodded to himself, frowning at the empty window beside him.

"Forgive me father for I have sinned…" he started in a low whisper; shifting awkwardly on the small seat, it felt ridiculous speaking to an empty confessional. Forcing the discomfort away, Sam closed his eyes and took a breath. "I dishonoured my father." he stated regretfully. "I…I never listened to him, never did what he said. - I hated him. I…" he took another deep breath; the oxygen choking him for a moment. "I… _still_ hate him." he whispered and felt a weight lift slightly from his shoulders. "I hate that he made me into _this_. - I hate that he made me a killer. - I've never forgiven him for the life he made me lead, not really." he shook his head. "And I don't….I don't think I ever will. I love him, I do and I miss him every day, but deep down there's a small part of me that hates him for stealing my life."

His throat tightened; his heart pounding against his ribs. He stared down at his hands in the dark light, watching them shake in his lap. He quickly knotted his fingers together tightly, squeezing until his knuckles went white. Despite the confession and the slight ease it gave him, he still wasn't feeling particularly pure, particularly clean. He felt guilty, ashamed, unworthy. How could he hate his father, after everything?

His mind span once again and all that he could hear were the ten commandments swirling around and around, chanting in the back of the mind. "I've stolen and lied." Sam whispered; just to fill the silence, too give his heart and mind a change to settle. "I've…" he frowned as he reached for another broken commandment, anything to guide him.

"I killed my girlfriend." it still felt true, even after all these years. He should have protected her; he should have _known_ the dreams meant something. "I've caused the deaths of so many people, Jo and Ellen, Bobby, my father, Dean. Gabriel. - Everyone I've ever loved." he whispered.

He slouched back against the wooden wall for a moment; breathing heavily and dragging his hands through his hair. _Ruby_. Dean's voice whispered into the back of his mind. "I betrayed my brother. I trusted a demon and let her lie to me because I wanted to believe it all. I knew…" he whispered; his tone more conversational than before. "I didn't care what she was doing to me, what she was turning me into, all I cared about was vengeance." he let his head fall back against the wood, his eyes closed to the ceiling. "Just like my dad." he murmured after a long moment. "I wanted her head and if drinking demon blood, killing innocence people was going to get me that, then…fine. I didn't much care."

Sam's heart pounded painfully, stealing every breath he drew in. "Even when Dean came back, when Cass and Uriel told me it was wrong, I still kept going back because I wanted to. I told myself it was for the greater good, that she needed to be stopped because it was easier than admitting that I just wanted to rip her apart. - That I was no better than my father, vengeance at any cost."

He took a few moments to force air back into his lungs and calm himself; clenching his hands tightly to stop them from shaking. "I failed Dean, betrayed him every time I took that poison into my body and I didn't care. Not really." He wiped at his eyes; his palm coming away damp. "Because I always fail Dean. I always betray him. I did it with Ruby, I did it with Gabriel and I did it when I left him in Purgatory and I'll probably do it again. I don't know why.

"No, that's a lie; I know exactly why I keep letting him down. - Because this is all his fault." Sam announced; his voice shaky and rough. "Why couldn't he just leave me alone? Why did he have to come get me in Stanford? Why couldn't he let me walk away? - I…I h-hate him. I hate him and it's getting stronger every day."

Sam stomach cramped up at the words, the truth in them, because he did hate his brother, he'd hated Dean since the day he'd dragged him back into this life and he'd hate him until the day they're both dead, because Dean had stolen his life from him as surely as their father had. "I love him though, he's my brother and I'd die for him but I can't help hating him."

Sam sat in the confessional, silent but for the pained sounds that slipped past his lips as he cried. "I don't want to hate him." he said quietly; his voice broken and watery. "I don't want to wish I'd never seen him again, but I can't help it." he shook his head; dragging his hand over his face, trying to scrub the tears away. "I don't want to keep letting him down."

He slumped against the confessional wall once again, his body suddenly feeling drained and tired, broken and empty. He wondered if that was what it felt like having cleansed your soul. Was he pure enough to fulfil the final trial? Something in him said no, so he sat listening to his own breathing and the wind in sweeping through the church beyond the door.

"I have no idea what else to confess." he said to the empty box. "I let Lucifer out of the cage because I refused to see Ruby for the lying demon she was. I said yes to Lucifer, even though I was sure I wasn't strong enough to fight him. - I killed a woman." he said quietly. "Two years ago, I killed her in cold blood. - I killed a few people then. Innocent people who didn't need to die, people I could have saved if I'd only wanted to. - Dean says they don't count because I didn't have a soul then, but…I still remember them, I still see their faces sometimes. I…I still feel the guilt."

He pressed his palms together; resting his forehead against the steepled fingers and breathed. _Purgatory_. Dean's voice whispered to him and he took a deep breath, nodding against his hands. "Purgatory. - I didn't look to get Dean out of purgatory…." he sighed. "Because…I wanted to walk away. I wanted it to all be over and without Dean, I could do that. - I told myself he was dead, even though I knew he probably wasn't and I said it so I wouldn't feel guilty for not fighting to bring him back. - I had Amelia, I had the normal life he'd stolen from me and I didn't want him taking it away again, so I didn't help him or Kevin."

Sam fell silent again, dropping forward to lean heavily on his knees, his head in his hands. His heart wasn't racing as fast as it had been but his head was beginning to pound, a migraine taking root. He was tired, worn but knew he wasn't finished yet. There was something holding him back, keeping him fixed to the wooden stool.

"I slept with an archangel." he said so quietly only dogs could hear it. "I had sex with an archangel." he clarified unnecessarily. "And I…" he swallowed. "Enjoyed it." he inhaled sharply at the double tap his heart gave. "I didn't know it was Gabriel, not to start, not when we were in the bar." he shook his head. "It wasn't until…after that first time, when we were sat in bed and he looked at me and… - I ignored it to start with, told myself I was imagining things but then I saw him in Katherine's year book, I listened to the way he talked. - He called me kiddo, Katherine used to call me kiddo too but… I don't know how to explain it, I just kinda knew. - Then he appeared in my dreams; there was no way that should have happened unless…and I knew. - And I… I still had sex with him and loved it.

"Then I freaked out because it was Gabriel and I was meant to hate him, after everything he'd done to us, but I didn't, I just wanted to….again and again, and I couldn't because I'd already made that mistake with Ruby and I couldn't betray Dean like that again, he'd never forgive me. I was still regaining his trust after Lucifer, so I left. - But….I never stopped thinking about it. I just wanted to touch him again. When he turned up at Bobby's…." he shook his head. "I couldn't stop myself. It was selfish and cold but I needed him, right then I needed the comfort no-one else has ever been able to provide. Not even Jess and that made me so angry, because I loved Jessica, I wanted to marry her and Gabriel was…he'd lied to me and manipulated me, just like Ruby, so I…used him. I treated him so badly and I didn't care how he felt. I didn't let myself think that he might actually care about me as more than a plaything."

Sam panted; his words having stolen his breath, the weight he'd been carrying for years unable to acknowledge to himself slowly easing off his wide shoulders. His biggest sin was his biggest secret. Gabriel.

"Even after we got him killed I continued to use him, I sort him out when I needed that comfort. I don't even know why?" he shook his head. "Because he's the only one who has ever put me first." he whispered brokenly. "Who has ever tried to save me and give me the life I wanted. - He tried when we were kids, he was the reason I fought so hard to go to college because he wanted me to be free and happy. He tried to stop me from getting involved with Ruby, though he could have tried harder, why he just couldn't have told me what was happening I'll never know, but he tried. He always tried." he swallowed thickly. "Katherine says it was because he loved me. - She asked if I loved him and I didn't answer because I don't know. It's easy to love someone when they're not here, right? You build this perfect memory of them, you forget all the hard times, all the fights, all the shit. You just remember that taste of their kiss, the way they smelt and felt. The sound of their voice and the gleam in their eye before they did something that would piss you the hell off. Just like with Jessica, I don't remember any of the arguments we had, any of the bad times. - It would be so easy to say I loved him because he's not here to test it.

"I… - I love that he gave me a son, who is brilliant, strong and brave. Who I love more than anything in this whole world." his throat tightened at the thought of Alfie. "I love him for that. - The rest, doesn't much matter anymore."

 

**~~~There Are No Lies, Only Truths No Yet Told~~~**

 

Sam lent his head back against the wall, the exhaustion beginning to seep into his every bone. Part of him wished Dean hadn't have left with Cass, just so he'd have someone to talk to. The last couple of hours had given him too long to think, to regret, even after his confession he seemed to be unable to just let it all go. His only distraction in the past few hours had been Abaddon; he was still aching all over.

He glanced over to where Crowley was chain to his chair, sickly pale and looking more broken than he'd ever seen the demon, Sam hated the small spark of sympathy he had in him. Then he remembered Alfie and what the bastard had done to his son and felt the pure hatred and fury burn it away, it was almost over. - Finally.

"Where are we?" Crowley suddenly asked, breaking the hours of peaceful yet eerie silence they'd been in since Abaddon fled.

Sam stretched, glancing down at his watch. "It'll all be over in less than five minutes." he sighed.

"The syringe I get, the knife." he nodded understandingly. "What's with the pea-shooter?"

Sam glanced at the gun and flexed his fingers, his jaw twitching. "It's for when you're human." he met Crowley's gaze coldly.

"Hmm, course." Crowley sighed, staring off into space thoughtfully. "Smart Moose, should have seen that."

"Yeah." Sam exhaled, watching the king of hell. "After what you did to my son." he said before he could stop himself, his tone ice cold and dangerous.

Crowley lifted his eyes slowly, meeting the Winchester's gaze. "So….you know? - You didn't?" he rambled. "When did you find out?"

Sam's jaw tightened. "How did _you_ find out?" he demanded, ignoring the demon's question.

Crowley smiled weakly, shrugging. "Heard you and angel boy getting touchy feely. - Bugged the Impala remember."

Sam shifted forward, his gaze narrowing. "So you knew we'd….how'd you know about….Samandriel."

Crowley scoffed, rolling his neck. "Found the kids picture in the Bat-Mobile." he stated matter-of-factly. "Started looking, when Cass skewered the bodyguard it became a lot easier to find him."

"Then you kidnapped him and handed him over to Raphael."

"Cass didn't exactly leave me much choice, he double crossed me, I needed leverage….something to get Raphael on side, figured the kid was valuable enough to get me what I wanted."

"And you didn't care what they'd do to him?" he growled furiously, fighting the overpowering urge to grab the knife and kill the fucker.

Crowley staring over at Sam's murderous dark eyes. "I'm a demon remember." he dropped his gaze guiltily. "I figured they'd do the same as me. - Of course, neither of us could have foreseen Castiel's little bait and switch. - After that I had more important things on my mind than some half breed brat."

Sam's jaw tightened, his fingers curling into a white knuckled fist. He breathed heavily though his nose, telling himself over and over again to just wait, soon it would all be over.

"I met him a couple of time over the years." Crowley whispered, his voice absent and eerily calm for the situation, like they were talking over a cup of coffee.

"Who?" Sam growled, his head low, trying desperately to calm his rage.

"Lover boy." Crowley replied, his voice tired and weak.

Sam inhaled sharply, grinding his teeth. He wanted to argue but he wasn't sure what exactly he'd be arguing against, they'd had been lovers, however briefly.

"Of course, never knew he was an angel, not till you pair of morons blew his cover. "

Sam gritted his teeth harder, his hands trembling silently. "Why'd you take Samandriel?" he asked, hoping to derail the course of the conversation. He didn't want to think about Gabriel, it hurt in way he couldn't understand.

"I told you." Crowley sighed.

"The second time. Were you going to use him again? _Leverage_ to get the tablet? - Why didn't you?"

Crowley groaned, stretching against his bindings. "What would have been the point, you didn't even know he existed. - If figured that out pretty quickly, if you had you'd have come after me years ago. Besides you'd have never believed me if I'd told you, I had no proof and well….I lie, right? I'm a demon, we all lie." he scoffed, meeting Sam's red-rimmed gaze. "He was convenient. I wanted information, he was there. It wasn't planned. It wasn't personal. - When _did_ you find out?"

Sam took a deep breath. "About a month after you….killed him."

Crowley narrowed his watery eyes at the hunter. " _I_ didn't kill him, which was all Boy Wonder's doing, remember."

"If you hadn't have taken him, he'd still a alive." Sam argued furiously, glaring at the demon.

"Yeah and he'd still be Naomi's puppet. You should be thanking me for getting him away from that bitch."

Sam narrowed his gaze, his fingers wrapping around the gun. "Thanking you?" he scoffed venomously. "He was there _because_ of you!" he yelled. He watched with satisfaction as Crowley paled further, dropping his defensive gaze and slumping in the chair.

"You're right." the demon murmured. "It's my fault."

Sam took a moment to breath, flexing his tightly clenched fingers, swallowing down the pain. He glanced at his watch with a sigh with relief, it was time. It was finally going to be over. He reached for the syringe, hissing as he drew his blood.

"Would it be possible, Moose… - I'd like to ask you a….a favour." Crowley whispered brokenly.

Sam glared over at him, the syringe heavy in his palm. The bastard wanted a favour? From him? After everything he'd done, was he insane.

"Sam, earlier…when you were….confessing, back there, what did you say?" Crowley looked up at him with watery red-rimmed eyes, turmoil swirling in their depths. "I only ask because….given…history…it poses the question….where do I start….to even look….for…forgiveness?"

Sam pushed himself to his feet and stared down at the broken King of Hell, his heart skipping slightly at the sight of a tear rolling down the heartless demon's cheek. The pure fury and hatred of mere seconds ago swallowed up by the sudden wave of empathy that flooded through him. He took another breath, he couldn't forgive the demon or forget what he'd done over the years, but….that had been the demon, the dark poison that had taken over the man he'd once been. Was he really any different to Cass? - Himself? "How about we start with this." he said, lifting the blood filled syringe, watching as the demon bared his neck, welcoming his fate.

With his blood coursing through Crowley's veins, Sam walked calmly back to the altar, his legs growing weaker, his flesh burning as the power took hold again, hotter than before. He paused for a moment, bracing himself once again against the altar as the room spun. He closed his eyes, breathing heavily through his nose. Blindly he tugged his phone out of his pocket, opening his eyes he stared down at it longingly. The moment this was done, he was calling Alfie, tell him it was over. He set the cell on the altar and picked up the exorcism.

Making his way back to Crowley, he began to recite the ancient Latin, his body trembling with every word, Crowley sitting silent and resigned, his eyes closed. When Sam finally finished he grabbed the knife and dragged it across his palm, hissing at the pain but never faltering. His arm began to glow and burn, like he knew it would. He stepped up to Crowley, taking a breath and clutching the demon's shoulder. This was it, the end. The fighting would be over. Alfie would be safe. - He could be a father.

"Sammy, stop!"

Sam turned, surprised by his brother's sudden return.

"Easy there okay? Just take it easy, we've got a slight change of plan." Dean said, cautiously moving towards him.

"What? - What's going on? Where's Cass?" Sam demanded, his body trembling beneath the power.

"Metatron lied, you finished this trial, you're dead Sam."

Sam looked from his brother to Crowley, his head spinning. Die? He was going to die? The images of Alfie flashed into his mind. Jessica. Sarah. The thousand other's who'd died at the hands of demons, people they hadn't been able to save. It had to end. "So?" he snapped, turning back to his brother. "Look at him! Look at him, look how close we are, other people will die if I don't finish this." he insisted furiously.

"Thank about it. Think about what we know. Pulling souls from hell, curing demons, hell, ganking a hellhound. We have enough knowledge on our side to turn the tide here."

Sam looked back down at Crowley, the sound of rain echoing off the roof. He had to make the world safer, to stop the fighting. - But he also wanted to see his son again, wanted to share birthdays, Christmases, weddings. Wanted to keep his promise to Dean and see his grandkids one day. He wanted to find a way to keep Alfie from paying for his and Gabriel's sin.

"I can't do this without you." Dean added pleadingly.

"You can barely do it with me." Sam quickly reminded his brother, anger tainting his voice. "I mean you think I screw up everything I try. You think I need a chaperon, remember?"

"Come on man, you know that's not what I meant."

"No, it's exactly what you meant." Sam straightened, his heart punching at his ribs, his skin on fire. "You wanna know what I confessed in there? What my greatest sin was? - Was how many times I'd let you down. - I can't do that again."

"Sam…."

"What happens when you decide I can't be trusted again? Who you gonna turn to next instead of me? Another angel? Another… - Another vampire? You have any idea what it felt like to watch your brother….?"

"Just hold on, hold on!" Dean interrupted desperately. "You seriously think that? Because none of it, _none of it_ is true. Listen man, I known we've had our disagreements okay, hell knows I've said some junk that's set you back on your heels, but Sammy, come on, I killed Benny to save you, I'm willing to let this bastard and all the sons of bitches that killed mom walk because of you. Don't you dare think there is anything past or present, that I would put in front of you. It has never been like that. _Never_. I need you to see that. I'm _begging_ you."

Sam stood staring at his brother, his chest aching and his eyes stinging from the tears rolling down his cheeks. He knew Dean meant it, every word. He knew he was the most important person in Dean's life and it only made him feel worse, because he didn't share that devotion, especially not anymore. He inhaled sharply as the burning beneath his flesh increased, the glow getting brighter and brighter, screaming for him to finish the trail. "How do I stop?" he asked, meeting Dean's watery gaze pleadingly.

"Just let it go."

"I can't." Sam shook his head. "It's in me Dean, you don't know what it feels like."

"Hey listen, we will figure it out?" Dean promised, wrapping his bandana around the sliced palm. "Okay? Just like we always do."

Sam nodded, groaning as Dean pulled him into a tight bear hug, the pair holding onto one another for dear life.

"Let it go, okay? Let it go brother." Dean whispered into his hair.

The pain eased, the glow faded until Sam was staring down at tanned, dirty skin. "Hey. _Hey_."

"See."

Sam returned his brother's smile, a feeling of relief filling him. - But it was short lived, suddenly the pain ripped through his whole body like a machete through butter. It felt like every organ was on fire, his lungs melting, stealing his breath. His knees went beneath him, his mind searing with a deafening white light. He could hear Dean only barely, like a whisper though static. He screamed, doubling over as his gut twisted, knotting so tightly it felt as if something was trying to rip his insides out through his spin.

He was moving, he could feel rain and wind against his blazing skin, he caught glimpses of night through the lights that swallowed his vision. His heart felt like it was going to burst right out of his chest, he gasped for breath but couldn't seem to gain any oxygen to refill his liquefied lungs. He squinted up at the sky, watching, the sight blurred and unfocused as stars fell, thousands of them, burning up the night sky. "W-what's h-happening?" he asked brokenly. At least he hoped he'd asked, it was hard to tell if the words made it out of his mouth, his tongue feeling so swollen and heavy against his pallet. He thought he heard Dean replying but couldn't quite make out the words.

Fear choked him as he saw darkness swallowing the white of his peripheral vision, moving in swiftly to drag him down into the abyss. He worked his throat and his tongue, trying to force more words out of his mouth. "A-Alfie…" whether Dean heard him, Sam couldn't know because the abyss finally engulfed him and everything went black.

**To Be Continued…**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope the confessional scene wasn’t a complete let down. I tried to put myself in Sam’s place and honestly, if I’d gone through some of the shit he had, I’d probably hate Dean too. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love Dean just that he hate him too. Surely, he blames him for Jessica, deep down. Wouldn’t you? If Dean hadn’t have dragged him away looking for their dad, Jess might still be alive, Sam might have been there to save her. - Obviously we know (and probably so does he) that Azazel/Brady would have found away to kill Jess because they wanted her gone, but….emotions like guilt, anger and hate aren’t the most rational of creatures.
> 
> Seriously, Band of Brothers reference? I can’t keep a straight face.
> 
> I enjoy using the deleted scenes when I can, because most of the time they’re really good scenes and work well if whatever I’m writing. In this case, the scene between Crowley and Sam gave me a place to build my confrontation around. Though I have a slight problem with the idea that Sam’s willing to kill Crowley once he’s human. - Though that’s probably why the scene was cut from the overall episode. It doesn’t make Sammy look particularly heroic now does it?
> 
> Why does Crowley suddenly have an American accent? At least it seems American to me.
> 
> I’m not one to defend Metatron, for obvious reasons, but he never lied. He told Dean it was going to be hard and might cost him dearly. He asked if Dean was ready for what they'd have to do to finish the trials. So he may not have said it in plan simple English, but then he's an angel, they never just say anything important. But he didn't lie. - At least not on screen.
> 
> I had to use the whole Dean/Sam scene at the end or it would have felt like I just stopped and it needed to be tied into the actual events of the episode. Obviously, I don’t own that scene or the dialogue, that belongs to the wonderful writers of Supernatural and the CW©.
> 
> Well that’s it for another story. Don’t worry the series doesn’t end here, I’m just trying to work out how to fit this in with season 9. Obviously, I want to acknowledge Meta-Fiction, I just have to think out some issues. So I can’t promise when another story will be up soon. I am also still working on the prequel [Conduit of Destiny] and I’m thinking about one-shots surrounding Tall Tales, Mystery Spot and Changing Channels.
> 
> But for now its goodbye. I’d like to THANK YOU ALL for your continued support and reviews, they are very much appreciated and keep me focused, and it’s always fun to hear what you do and don’t like.
> 
> Until next time.
> 
> Love ya.
> 
> Gatergirl79 xxx

**Author's Note:**

> I just want you to know that I do not slash Dean and Garth. I just think Sam would tease Dean about it in a way he wouldn't in regards to Dean and Cass. Probably because he knows deep down that Dean and Cass actually have a relationship, while Garth is more like Dean's excited little puppy, eager to please and impress.
> 
> Please I'd love to know what you think of the beginning. I don't know how long this story's going to be, I want to deal with some stuff in season 8 and I'm hoping to do that in a single story.


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